Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Holiday

As much as I really wanted to send every one of you a Christmas card this year, it became an impossible task.

So, instead, I am hoping you stop by and read my Christmas wish for you:

In the silver hush
of a starry winter's night..
in the song of the wind
in the evergreens...
in the gentle grace
of snowflakes as they fall ~
the whispered promise
of God's heavenly peace.

May the peace and love of the first Christmas
be yours today and always.

May you feel your Angel's close by this holiday season.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Your Sister's "Happy 1!"

We celebrated Madison's First Birthday on Saturday (or as her oldest brother used to say, her "Happy 1!")

Mommy's attempt at a Birthday cake!

She was her usual, beautiful, Little Miss Sunshine self... dressed in her party dress.

She loved her balloons!

More interested in the tissue paper!

Mommy and Maddie cake!

Madison's first "tu-tu".... "tu" cute!

For Maddie's very own Guardian Angel, brother, Nicholas .... xx

Thursday, December 16, 2010



Just, wow.

The response I have received with regards to making this space private continues to be overwhelming. I am honoured and humbled by the fact that Nicholas' precious, little life has touched so many. That by sharing our stories of heartache as well as our blessings of hope we have comforted some of the hearts of other grieving families.

It is what makes this unbearable journey of missing our son, a little more bearable. A little more peaceful. It makes the burden of grief a little lighter...

I am going to "re-think" making Nicholas' Touch private. There are a few reasons I had chosen to go this route, however, I am feeling more and more that the opportunity to reach out and help others who are experiencing the death of a child trumps any other reasons I may have... one of which is the need to protect my heart. The desire to protect my family from disrespect and judgement. But, you know what... we can handle it. We can pretty much handle anything after the things we have been through. If Nicholas' Touch can offer some support to others while helping me heal... that is the way I want it.

Nicholas' Touch is raw and honest. I speak from my heart and I am proud of it. I am proud of Nicholas. I document my feelings on this journey because I don't want to forget.

I use this space to honour our son. To allow his legacy to soar. To share our story in hopes of making someone else' a little easier to bare. To maybe help someone else realize that they are not alone. That their feelings of despair, anger, hatred, love, gratitude, horror, jealousy, anticipation..... that they are all real and all very natural in the process of healing. That there is some hope. That there is a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Thank you all so much for your interest and for your support. Thank you for reminding me why I am thankful to have you all in my life....and why this platform is so important for reaching out to "our" community.

Oh, and stay tuned.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Beaten, But Not Beat

I've been meaning to post for a while now. There are so many words, feelings, non-feelings, flying around in my head it's difficult to get it together enough to write anything worth while.

I just wanted to let you all know that I am okay... I think.

Since our latest loss I have been moving on auto pilot. Sheltered by shock. Consumed with grief. Busy beyond words....

I am thankful for "busy". Busy planning birthday parties. Busy planning Christmas. Busy enjoying the kids excitement. Busy trying to convince myself that I am 'okay' when my heart is constantly telling me that I am simply not 'okay'.

Since losing our "Blossom" I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of Nicholas. Not that I don't think of him often. I think of him all the time. I think of him when I look into our oldest son's eyes... they would be so alike. I often think of him and smile.. with peace and a subtle understanding that only he and I share.

This is different. Since our latest loss, I feel like the raw pain has returned to some degree. The ache of desperately wanting to feel the weight of his tiny, little body in my arms again has surfaced and the tears of grief fill my eyes.

When I returned home from the hospital two weeks ago. After the D&C, I was pretty high on morphine. That night was terrible. I fell asleep in my husband's arms and woke up terrified every half hour.... sweating... screaming. The only thing that came out of my mouth was "they took our baby"... "they took our baby"... Although very different, the feelings were similar. Although there was nothing to hold.. there are memories. There will always be memories. Plans. Love.

We've been beat down... again, but we won't be beaten.

We've been shaken to the core... again, but we will steady ourselves.

Our strength is being tested... again, but we will be strong.

Love and peace to you all and thank you to all who have shown interest in continuing on our journey.

Lea xx

Monday, December 13, 2010


I have decided to make Nicholas' Touch private. If you are interested in following our journey, please send me an email and I will add you to my permissions.

Thank you,

Saturday, December 11, 2010


A good friend of the family's brother passed away a couple of days ago. He was very sick and faced an extremely brave battle with cancer. My heart is with them.

His sister had this quote posted on her facebook page. It actually took my breath away. Beautifully poetic. Perfect.

"When great souls die, our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our minds formed and informed by their radiance, fall away.....And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed".

Maya Angelou

Friday, December 3, 2010


Thank you to all who participated in my giveaway. I had my husband choose a number between 1 - 19 (19 comments) this morning and I am happy to announce that the winner is....


Holly, I think I have your address correct, but could you send me a quick email to confirm? I will begin working on Carleigh's ornament now! Congratulations!

I also noticed some unfamiliar names in the comments. Thank you for taking the time to stop by. If you haven't yet received Angel Wings from me and would like a pair for your Angel, please message me. The first two names that appear in my inbox will get some....

Thank you and love to you all,

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

25 Days of Giveaways!

Today is the second day of 25 Days Of Giveaways, and I'm honoured to be taking part.

Thank you to Tina for taking the time to put this together!

My give away is going to be somewhat of a surprise. It will be an ornament. For your tree, for your Holiday Decor or just to be hung in a special spot in memory of your Angel. I'd like to customize the ornament for the winner.

This give away is open to all babyloss parents, all around the world. Please say hello in the comments, let me know your Angel's name and things you associate with him/her and I will handcraft a little something for you.

Wishing you all a peaceful and comforting Holiday Season...


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Heartbroken... again

Firstly, thank you all for your love and support when I asked for it... and even when I don't. I feel such a strong connection to all of you and am truly grateful to have you in my life.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks.

We found out we were pregnant.

It was a HUGE shock and I struggled with the news for a couple of days.

I appreciate that some of you reading would be overjoyed with such news. I realize that there are many of you battling infertility and praying for a live, healthy baby in your arms. Please know that I, too, pray for you daily. To you, my words may sound harsh, but I must be true to myself.

I struggled with the news because it was a complete and utter surprise. We had been extremely careful... I honestly didn't know where I was going to come up with the strength to, emotionally, make it through another pregnancy. I barely made it through Madison's without losing it with worry, panic, etc...

Then it sunk in. I began to accept the fact that we had been blessed, yet again. Blessed to be chosen to be this little "blossom's" parents. Blessed to experience the deepest love on earth.... again.

We started making plans. Our current house is not quite equipped for another baby. We needed to do some "juggling"... some rearranging. It was going to work. I could see the future.

Madison was going to have a baby brother or sister so close in age. A best friend for life, no questions asked. An unbreakable sibling bond.

Then, the unthinkable...

We lost the baby.

I began spotting last Wednesday. And then cramping. I headed for the ER on Saturday. Had an ultrasound, some blood work. My Beta levels were okay. There was "something" detected in my uterus... but no heartbeat. I was told to come back in two days... Monday. The bleeding increasingly got worse and worse over the weekend and by Monday I was in a lot of pain. Went back to emerg...

"Fetal Demise"... another two words in the english language I'll never forget. I was suffering a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The bathroom became my enemy the last couple of days. Every time I would go I wondered just which part of our baby I was going to expel this time.... horrible, I know, but the truth.

I had a D&C yesterday. It's over. Done. And I'm left at a loss again.

This time around it's a little easier to convince myself that "things happen for a reason". With Nicholas, I will never accept that. There will never be a good enough reason that our youngest son isn't here... playing with his brothers, protecting his sister. This time, I have to believe that something must have been wrong. I have to believe that our "blossom" didn't make it because he or she wouldn't have been able to make it on their own. If that is the case, then I am grateful that "blossom" will never feel any pain... will never know anything but love and security from his/her mommy and daddy. I am grateful that he/she has Nicholas to welcome them...

We even played around with some names...

Cole Kenneth - boy
Cassie Christine - girl

And now, rest. For the body, heart and soul.

We will, yet again, pick up the pieces and focus on the positive.

We will remember "Blossom" and what could have been...

Loved you from the beginning, little one.

Sleep well and shine bright.

Mommy xx

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Prayers & Strength

Morning Friends,

Not many words today and not enough strength to explain, but I would really appreciate prayers and strength sent our way.

I can always count on you.


Sunday, November 21, 2010

To My Mommy & Daddy

I just came across this letter posted on Dana's blog.... thought I'd share.

True perfection.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know this is a rough time for you so I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in us. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work at someone else's timetable.

Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life.

It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking of me. I know that you'll never forget. Losing me and grabbing hold of a new meaning in your life is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.

Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud and if they don't make hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship.

If, by a remote possiblilty, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't, I forgive you. Resentment does not abide here, only love.

You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I am still yours and you are still my mother. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you.

I know how you feel inside. Read, even though your tears anoint the pages. In Henri Nowens' book "Out of Solitude" he writes, "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I want you to know that I am okay and that I have sent you messages to ease your pain. They come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels.

Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simple as an internal feeling of peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.

Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their grief work, they are an inspiration and a beacon of hope for you.

There are still funny things happening in our world. It delights me to no end to hear your spontaneous laughter.

Mommy and Daddy, I will always be in your heart. Today I will light a candle for you. When you light your candle for me their light will shine above the darkness.


Your Baby

Author unknown

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Nicholas' Race #2

Hey Everyone,

It's been a while... our computer broke down... had to be fixed... it's back and now it's time for....

Catch up!

I have been wanting to post about Nicholas' 2nd Angel Day for a couple of weeks now.

We drove up North to our cottage on the Friday night. It snowed like crazy the entire trip up! My husband and I just kept hoping that it was getting it out of it's system for Saturday and the race.

It was.

We woke up, November 6, 2010, to a breathtaking sunrise over the lake.

It was cold, so we layered, and layered, and layered.

We picked up 15 blue and white balloons on the way to the Race that morning.

Everyone took a turn scribbling messages to Nicholas.

We are so proud of everyone who participated in the race itself... including Nicholas' daddy!

I made ladybug cupcakes as a treat for after the race.

Then we released the balloons......

And something truly magical happened....

Can you see the "N" formation?

My beautiful sis-in-law captured this shot.

It continues to take my breath away....

All in all, the day was perfect. Positive. Heartwarming. Emotional. Beautiful.

We were comforted by the presence of family and friends who have shared in our journey. Who have been there through thick and thin. Who continue to be there in the joys and the sorrow.

Nicholas was there too. I know it. I felt his hand on my heart the entire day. He held me up. Kept me warm. Blew me Angel Kisses. He even sent me a ladybug ;)

And now... Presenting "Team Nicholas"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Happy 2", Nicholas

Reeves, Nicholas Warren

November 7, 2008

"How quietly he tiptoed into our world.
Softly, only for a moment.
But what an imprint his footprints
have left upon our hearts"

Missing and remembering you always, baby boy.

"Happy 2"

Mommy, Daddy, Evan, Kyle and Madison.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Nicholas' Touch - A Poem

Nicholas’ Touch – Two Years

Two years ago
You touched our lives,
Then flew high with a piece of our hearts.
You tiptoed in,
Quiet and pure…
And now we’re never apart.

Your legacy has grown and grown,
You’ve flown across the world.
I love to know you’ve gone so far,
Your soul has truly soared.

The pain of having you not here,
Softens day by day.
We wish that you walked right next to us,
But know you couldn’t stay.

You have work to do, our sweet boy,
Fly high and keep us safe.
We dream of holding you again,
And kissing your sweet face.

A little boy you would be,
Rambunctious and full of fun.
Although that’s not the way it is,
You’re an Angel above the sun.

Two years ago we met you,
We touched and kissed your face.
Two years ago we held you,
In a strong and long embrace.

We think of you so often,
Of what you could have been.
We dream of your reflection,
Of what you could have seen.

We’re grateful for your strength, my boy
You’ve taught us all so much.
Happy birthday, Nicholas,
Thank you for your touch.

Love you baby boy,
November 7, 2010

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Do you believe in magic...?

I literally just finished posting Two Years yesterday and went out to get the kids off the bus.... there was a little bit of "magic" on my windshield. Thank God for the little comforts.

Do you believe in magic...?

I do.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Two Years

November 7th is creeping up. Ever so slowly. Painfully slow...

I feel my heart aching more. I feel my muscles involuntarily getting tighter and tighter. I feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, more ready to spill out. I feel the knot in my tummy continually churning. I feel my patience running thin...

Being somewhat of a veteran of this grieving mother journey, I am well aware that these feelings are quite normal. That the anniversaries are, for some reason, especially difficult. That the memories and the ache seem to be brought back to the forefront only on a much grander scale then the everyday grief that comes with mourning your child.

We remember Nicholas on a daily basis. We speak his name often. We are proud to call him our son, brother... but this is different. The anticipation of 'celebrating' his second Angel Day, without him, is tearing me apart all over again.

It is so incredibly hard to believe that it has been 2 years....

Two years filled with every kind of emotion imaginable.

Two years of mourning our son.

Two years of parenting Nicholas' siblings through their grief.

Two years of desperately trying to find some joy.

Two years of a subsequent pregnancy and being blessed with our fourth, beautiful child.

Two years of trying to understand and support each other as husband and wife.

Two years of navigating through insurmountable guilt as a mother.

Two years of raw, indescribable pain and two years of pure bliss.

I wouldn't change a thing.

We are who we are today because of our experiences. A big part of who we are as a family unit is because of Nicholas and what he has taught us.

I am who I am today because of our youngest son's legacy. His short, little life has touched me more than words can express. As sad and overwhelmed as I am some days... my life has been enriched. Enriched is so many ways. Nicholas has given me the strength and courage to fight. Fight for our family. Fight for our love. He has opened doors of opportunity for me to help other parents who are experiencing this torturess road. With each pair of Angel Wings I send out, I am honoured to know that I am offering a little bit of comfort in my son's memory. Nicholas has "flown" to so many places and it warms my heart to know that he is remembered by so many.

And so, as I not so eagerly await for November 7, I remember and reflect. I thank God for my life and all of the true blessings in it.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Angel Wings Cards Now Has A Button!

Hi Everyone!

Angel Wings Cards now has a button! Please feel free to grab it from the sidebar!

Thank you,

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Honouring Nicholas

Many of you may remember that last year we participated in a "Dirty Duathalon" on Nicholas' first Angel Day, November 7. Well, with the help of the same wonderful friends we will be taking part in the event again. I am so incredibly grateful to have such a positive focus in the days approaching Nicholas' Angel Day. They seem to be the most difficult. This week, two years ago, was when we received the devastating news about our baby boy.... the memories really hurt too much to remember. Having the Race to look forward to and honouring our boy helps immensely. Not only that, we hope to help some families and babies in need at our local hospital along the way.

The following is the letter I have distributed to family and friends who have walked beside us on this journey;

October 7, 2010

Dear Family and Friends,

It’s very hard to believe that Nicholas’ 2nd Angel Day is fast approaching. He is remembered warmly each and every day. The raw pain of not having him here, with us, has softened slightly. His spirit and his legacy have infused our family with indomitable strength and immeasurable love over the past 2 years. The journey is a long and difficult one as we continue to heal, but, there is never any question that we are forever grateful to have known Nicholas. He has enriched our family immensely.

Many of you will remember that last year, on November 7, 2009, our dear friends, Marcus and Meagan Olson participated in a duathalon in honour of our baby boy. The day was beautiful and perfect. We were so thankful to have such a wonderful and positive focus on what was an extremely emotional day. This year, on November 6, 2010, we will again be participating in the same duathalon and dedicating the day to Nicholas. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful support system.

This year we would like to invite anyone who is interested in being a part of “Team Nicholas” to participate. Marcus will be racing in both the long (3.8K Run – 10K Bike – 3.8K Run) and the short (1.9k Run-5k Bike-1.9k Run) course. Nicholas’ Daddy, Jim, and Meagan will be pairing up on the long course.

The duathalon will be held on Saturday, November 6, 2010 at Sir Sanford Fleming College in Peterborough, Ontario. The course is completely off road and is a mix of single track and open trails. If you are interested in participating please contact myself or Marc and Meagan directly. There is certainly power in numbers and we look forward to another inspiring day!

Last year we invited family and friends to donate to a very special campaign for parents and babies at Mt. Sinai Hospital (where we met and said goodbye to our son, Nicholas). We were overwhelmed with the response and incredibly touched to be able to help so many other families in Nicholas’ name.

This year we have chosen a heartfelt initiative closer to home. Southlake hospital in Newmarket, Ontario is where Nicholas was scheduled to be born and where our other three children were born. We have had nothing but positive and memorable experiences during our stays there. Both Evan and Madison spent some time in the NICU and were nurtured with exceptional care. It is for these reasons and many more that our family has decided to support Southlake’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit this year.

Jim, Evan, Kyle, our latest, beautiful blessing, Madison and I would like to invite you to support “Team Nicholas” in honour of our son, Nicholas Warren Reeves, on November 6, 2010.

By making a donation, in Nicholas’ name, to Southlake Regional Health Center’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit , you will be helping us celebrate Nicholas’ life, honouring his memory and supporting the many families and babies’ in need of urgent, excellent care.

Every donation provides hope. Every gift is precious.

Below are both the links to the “Dirty Duathalon” (registration information, cost, etc.) and Nicholas’ Honorary page at Southlake Regional Health Center.

Dirty Duathalon – please copy and paste link into your browser

Nicholas’ Honourary Page at Southlake Regional Health Center – Please copy and paste the link in your browser : ENTER “TEAM NICHOLAS” in Keywords and “NOVEMBER 6, 2010” in date: CLICK “SEARCH” and then “VIEW”AT BOTTOM OF PAGE: This will take you directly to Nicholas’ Donation Page

We thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for taking the time to consider remembering our precious Nicholas in such a special way.

With Gratitude,

Marcus, Meagan, Noah and Finnley Olson


Leanna, Jim ,Evan, Kyle, Madison and Angel Baby Nicholas Reeves

Monday, October 18, 2010

Our Wave of Light

As we all know, Friday, October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I think about Nicholas... dream of holding him... imagine our life with him running around... each and every day. Friday was no different.

The day was busy, as usual... the evening was emotional. The connection we all have seemed palpable to me. I felt like I could reach out and grab some strength and love from each of you. Although our reason for "meeting" is no less than devastating, the bond we share as grieving parents is as strong as our love for our babies. Thank you for being there in some of my darkest days.

My husband and I talked at length about Nicholas that night. We often do, but that night was different. He shared some things with me that he never has before.... We cried, we remembered, we reflected, we gave thanks for all of the blessings that we have.

We love you baby boy.

Happy Fall, Sweetheart

Always in our hearts.... xx

Friday, October 15, 2010


I sit here with tears burning my eyes, a gigantic lump in my throat and a hole in my heart as I read all of your tributes to our precious babies. To be honest, sometimes I still can't fathom that I even know about today. That today, October 15, is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I am heartbroken, yet, so incredibly honoured to be a part of such an amazing union of mommies. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love.

Today we join forces. Today our hearts will connect. Today we will support each other and remember our Angels proudly.

Nicholas' candle will be burning brightly today. For him and for all of his friends who left us much too soon.


Thursday, October 14, 2010

New Blog Button

Hi Everyone,

It has come to my attention that my Nicholas' Touch blog button has been spammed for some reason. I have re-done it (sidebar) if you would like to replace the old link.

Sorry and thank you!

Wave of Light - Remembering Our Babies

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice

This is an article featured in one of my bereavement newsletters. Hit home...

Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice

When an expecting couple learns that their child has medical complications that will render the infant unable to live outside of the womb, it is a devastating trauma. To be faced with the option of terminating the pregnancy, or continuing the pregnancy knowing their baby will only live briefly – if at all – is a terrible experience. The psychological consequences of this impossible choice have been examined in the hopes of helping families to heal in the aftermath
of this tragic type of loss.

While most research has focused on the mothers, recently attention has also been given to fathers. In a majority of couples, partners make the decision together to terminate the pregnancy. As a result, medical termination is a significant life event for both parents.

Many couples heal after medical termination, working through the grief of this decision. Others however, struggle with complicated grief, post-traumatic stress symptoms and depression long after the loss. Factors that seem to contribute to the healing journeys of parents who have experienced a loss through medical termination include an earlier gestational age at the time of termination, the diagnosis of incompatibility with life and having older children.
These circumstances influence our feelings about the loss
as does the acceptance of family and friends.

Perhaps more significantly, the research shows that mothers and fathers do not differ very much in their response to the loss. Both partners experience the same grief and pain. What does happen in many couples is a pattern whereby one partner is deeper in grief
while the other is coping better for a time, and then their positions switch. This is important for couples to understand, because
so often we feel isolated in our grief. If we are in the depths of
despair and our partner appears to be carrying on business
as usual, we feel alone and stuck.

In the aftermath of pregnancy loss through medical termination, it is critical for couples to understand these dynamics: both parents are suffering, though your partner may not appear to be in sync with you.

By talking about your feelings together and seeking support
together, you can realize the truth of these differences and support each other in an accepting manner. When this mutual understanding and support is present, the relationship is strengthened
even in the face of such terrible loss.

Korenromp, M.J., Page-Christiaens, G.C.M.L., van den Bout, J., Mulder, E.J.H., Hunfeld, J.A.M., Bilardo, C.M., Offermans, J.P.M. & Visser, G.H.A. (2005). Psychological complications of termination of pregnancy for fetal anomaly: similarities and differences between partners.
Prenatal Diagnosis 25, 1225-1233.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A New Launch ~ Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words about trying something new at The Boutique. I think we are ready to launch our new idea!

Emalee at Everything Is Coming Up Daisies and I have joined forces and created the Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support and we hope you can spread the word.

Our goal is to reach out to the supporters of bereaved parents and families. We, as grieving parents know all too well how difficult it is to find cards, sentiments or momentos to express love and support after a child dies. It is close to impossible to find anything to commemorate the anniversary of a baby's death and it seems even harder to find expressions for multiple losses or miscarriage.

Often loved one's struggle over ways to reach out and show that they care. At Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support we hope to provide some direction during those difficult times.

Please share the link.

It is a work in progress.... we will continually be adding and readjusting.

With hope and love,

The Angel Wings Boutique has transformed!

A BIG thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio for creating the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique's new layout! I truly love it and I hope you do too. My goal is to make this space as peaceful and comforting as possible as we travel through some of the most difficult days of our lives.

Love and strength to you all!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Some Pics and A Special Guest

We had some family photos done on the weekend... I really like how they turned out. These are photos of the photos (the disc was $100.00 extra to buy! No, thank you)

Am I going crazy... what is that at the top of the picture? I took 2 of these shots simultaneously... this is the only one like it. I would like to think Nicholas was joining his siblings..... sigh.... :)

Monday, September 27, 2010

A Butterfly Day

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. For a brief moment, its glory and beauty belong to our world, but then it flies on again. Although we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it.
~ Author Unknown

I went to a butterfly release on Saturday. It was beautiful, it was soothing, it was comforting, it was draining. It also was a completely different experience than I had anticipated.

I attended the release with a very special BLM, Linda . Her baby boy's second Angel Day was Sunday so I thought that the Butterfly Release was the perfect opportunity to honour her son.

The morning was cool and cloudy... a typical fall day in Ontario. However, as soon as the ceremony began the clouds broke up and the sun shone down, just in time to warm up our butterflies.

The entire experience was very humbling. I had expected the butterflies to take off as soon as they were released, barely giving us time for pictures. I couldn't have been more wrong.

They were beautiful, magnificent and truly a symbol of comfort and peace as they clung to our hands, flitted quietly in the air around us and landed gracefully on the flowers before they took off again.

We got some really nice shots of "Nicholas" and "Jackson" together.

It was an experience I won't soon forget.

Memorable, just like our babies.

Friday, September 24, 2010

New Idea For The Angel Wings Boutique

Hello Everyone,

I have been thinking of adding another option to The Angel Wings Memorial Boutique and would like your input!

As many of us know there doesn't seem to be a lot on the market in terms of cards, messages or special gifts for those wishing to show their support to grieving parents. Often the supporters grasp for ways to show they care.

For a small donation, I would like to offer simple messages of love and comfort to accompany a pair of Angel Wings. These messages can be anything from offering support after an early loss, to sending words of compassion as a loved one celebrates the first, second, third year anniversary of their child's passing. I expect to add and alter categories as I am contacted.

I envision a "scrapbook style" note that can either be attached to a pair of wings or just simply slipped in the envelope as a message of love.

I value all of your opinions and support so much. Any ideas, suggestions or words of wisdom would be appreciated!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

This Year

In the past few weeks I have been asked on different occasions how I am feeling as Nicholas' 2nd Angel Day approaches.

"Are you feeling better than last year?"

"Is the pain still as intense?"

I have struggled with the answer to these questions. My initial reaction is that I don't know. I find it very difficult to quantify what I am feeling most days. My heart tells me one thing and my brain tells me the opposite. Just when I think I am calm and enjoying everything that is a miracle in our life, something triggers a memory and I am catapulted back to our darkest, most horrifying memories of losing our son.

There are days when I can honestly say that I am not feeling quite as anxious this year. I am not feeling quite as sad. I am not feeling quite as overwhelmed. I have settled. My heart feels some peace alongside the ache. My faith is beginning to rise again. The joy is comfortably mingling with the grief.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel these things, actually, I feel a million and one different things when it comes to this journey on a daily basis, I just feel them differently this year. I now know (from last years experience) that the anticipation of the day is much more traumatic than the day itself. I know (from last years experience) that we want to mark Nicholas' day by doing something special for him and other Angels because that is what makes my heart feel good. I know (from last years experience) that we want to keep busy. We need a plan. We want to remember and love Nicholas, but we want to be busy and focus on doing something positive to honour him and what he means to our family. I also know that my tummy does flip flops just trying to fathom the fact that it has almost been two years since we held our precious boy.

We have healed tremendously from those early months. Our family is strong. Our love is good. We are blessed beyond belief.

This journey we are on is beyond treacherous. It is cyclical. It is linear. It is bumpy and it is smooth. It is most definitely painful and scarring, but, I dare say that sooner or later there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Light that only you can touch. Light that often only you can see. Reach for it and remember that it's there when those bad days arise. Remember that it will shine again, when you are ready.

Two years later I definitely have had some radiant light shine on my life. I truly believe that Nicholas has been an integral part of that. He is a huge source of strength for me, for us. He will guide us through the next few weeks with as much ease and grace as possible.

I count on it.


This poem just came in on one of my Bereavement Newsletters ~ pretty profound.

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised.. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

Author unknown

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The "7th"

Happy "7th" of the month, buddy.

22 months without you in our arms.

22 months with you in our hearts.

We love you more every day.

Thank you to Emmy at Everything's Coming Up Daisies for inspiring Nicholas' Touch new look. How perfect is it for our little Ladybug...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Thinking of you....

Wherever you go and whatever you do
My spirit is here and it stays close to you
i know you can't see me
but know I am safe
As i play with the angels in beauty and grace

A Little boy
A special friend
A little fighter
Right to the end.
Gone from our lives
But not from our hearts
We'll keep you there always
Like we have from the start.

To My Mother

I see you each time you shed a tear,
I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I'm near.
This place is so beautiful, There's so much to see!
I know that someday you'll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you'll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it's me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It's me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They're especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I'll always love you. You're my friend and my mother.

Dawn Mitchell 1998

"Little Angels"

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with, the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
"Angels are hard to find".

"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

Friday, August 13, 2010


My cousin and her family were here for a 3 week visit the beginning of July. They drove in from Colorado and we enjoyed our visit so much. The kids hit it off as though they have been best friends for years!

My cousin hadn't seen Nicholas' garden yet. I was proud to show her and very grateful by her loving response. She sat by Nicholas' Garden on her own for while, really feeling his presence in our family and the strong bond that we share with him. Then she did something that a grieving mother/father often longs for.... she invited her family to sit with us and say a prayer. I can't begin to describe the graciousness, the pride, the love I felt at that moment. Our baby boy was being honoured by people who had never met him. He was being loved and recognized as the beautiful boy that he was. The tears flowed openly, but so did the smiles. I am so very grateful for such wonderful, caring and supportive people in our lives.

A lot of visits

Dear Nicholas,

I wanted to take a minute to thank you for visiting us so often this summer. You always seem to know when mommy's heart needs a little lift. You fly in... often to your brother and he comes running.... "Mommy, mommy, a ladybug! Nicholas wants to play!" You have been in the garden while the boys pick beans for dinner, you have been sunbathing on the dock when the kids are swimming in the water. The most special visit was on August 7. Exactly 21 months since we said hello and goodbye in the same breath. Kyle proudly brought you to me... thank you.

We are so lucky to have you in our lives.

Love you baby boy.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Our Ladybugs

Madison "hangin" with her brother...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Miss you, Nicholas

Hey Everyone,

We are home for a few days and I have been trying to check in on all of you. Please know that I think of so many of you ~ always.

I awoke with a heavy heart today. Two years ago today I experienced, what turned out to be, the beginning of the end with my sweet Nicholas.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 is a horrible memory etched permanently on my soul. It is presumably the day when my body failed him, failed me, failed us.... I failed to provide the necessary means to help our baby grow.

As irrational as it is I still feel tremendous guilt over this. I suspect, as a mommy, I always will.

My heart hurts today as I remember what could have been ~ what should have been.

Miss you, baby boy.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

On Our Way...

All packed up and ready to go...even sweet Nicholas... how very wrong it is to have to "pack" your son's ashes for a vacation..... sigh. We will all be together.

Talk soon.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Our Summer

Some of you may remember from last summer that the boys (and now girl) and I head up North to our family cottage for the majority of the summer. Well, it's that time again. We plan to head up next week sometime and make some more wonderful memories.

I am definitely in a different place than where I was this time last year. I feel a lot more like myself (albeit a changed self), I feel clearer and more settled. For the most part, I finally feel at peace. I still have crappy days. I still have moments where I ache for my little boy. But, I feel like I have more moments where I remember him, smile and know that I am a better person for having him in my life.

The flashbacks are still there. When I least expect them and they are terrifying... heart-wrenching... and cruel. It's like a thick fog invading my head and a vice gripping at my heart. The worst part is that I can't control them. They are unpredictable and almost impossible to hide. So I just deal as best I can and "snap" out of it when I can.

I was at the post the other day mailing some Angel Wings to the States, England, Spain.... I didn't have enough postage on one of the packages so the clerk started adding some loose 10 cent stamps. Any idea what the last penny stamp was? Yes, a ladybug...

Nicholas comes to "visit" often. I love it. I love him. I miss him. I know that he is okay.

So anyway, while at the cottage I don't have access to a computer or the internet (ahhhhh...), however, we will be back and forth to home and I will be checking in.

Love to you all.

Lea xx

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Kyle had his end of year BBQ for Nursery School today. One of the mom's was doing some face painting. You can see what Kyle decided to have put on his face.... not spider-man like the rest of his friends.

Need I say more? I love this kid.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Your Garden

Your Garden


When we say we love your garden
and we are pleased with how it's grown
please know that we miss you,
and wish to have you home.

Our dream is that your garden
didn't have to exist,
we should be watching you grow,
and healing boo boo's with a kiss.

we choose each rock with care
and plant each bloom with love,
we want your space to be perfect,
as you watch from up above.

It's one small thing we do for you
and we remember all the while...
we hope you like your special spot,
I can almost see your smile.

Love you, baby boy
Mommy ~ June 2010

I Love You, Daddy

Happy (Belated) Father's Day ~ to the man I love ~ to a beautiful, strong daddy.

Daddy's Love

Your daddy loves you oh so much
I see it in his eyes.
Every time we speak of you,
He looks up to the sky.

We talk about you often
And wonder what you’d be
If you were down here with us,
With your family.

Daddy is so strong,
His strength surrounds us all.
We lean on him for comfort,
He doesn’t let us fall.

But daddy hurts so deeply,
He misses you so much.
He feels blessed to have known you
And to have felt your touch.

He’s proud to be your daddy
And to have held your hand in his.
He kissed and held you close that day
Forever you’ll be missed.

We love you buddy… xo xo
Mommy (Leanna) – March 2009

Monday, June 14, 2010

Little Miss Spider Girl!

Daddy decided that Maddie should put on the boys hat....boy, does she makes me laugh!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Prayer Please, Nicholas

Dear Nicholas,

We need you, buddy.

Some friends of ours had a beautiful baby boy today. He has two older sisters and a mommy and daddy that love him so much. The doctors are fairly certain that he has downs syndrome and are currently running a battery of tests to determine the intensity.

Nicholas, my sweet boy, I know you have some pull up there. This little boy is deeply loved and has a family and friends who will support them no matter what, but, please say a prayer for him. Please let the doctors be wrong...

Sending this family strength and love and comfort in the journey ahead.....xx

A Ladybug Close to her Heart

My parents went to Florida a couple of months ago, and as always, came home with many goodies for the kids. The most special gift was this

a beautiful ladybug necklace for Miss Maddie.... so her brother can be near her heart always.

I am so incredibly touched that Nicholas' Nana and Papa love him so much... that they think of him... that he is a part of them too.

Nicholas' Name Plate

In a much previous post I talked about the stunning cradle my brother made us when we were expecting our first baby. I talked about how we have gold plates on it for each child that has blessed our family and has slept in it. When we went to order Madison's, I ordered one for Nicholas too. Although our baby boy didn't have a chance to sleep in it, he deserves to be remembered with his brothers, sister and cousins.