Thursday, September 9, 2010

This Year

In the past few weeks I have been asked on different occasions how I am feeling as Nicholas' 2nd Angel Day approaches.

"Are you feeling better than last year?"

"Is the pain still as intense?"

I have struggled with the answer to these questions. My initial reaction is that I don't know. I find it very difficult to quantify what I am feeling most days. My heart tells me one thing and my brain tells me the opposite. Just when I think I am calm and enjoying everything that is a miracle in our life, something triggers a memory and I am catapulted back to our darkest, most horrifying memories of losing our son.

There are days when I can honestly say that I am not feeling quite as anxious this year. I am not feeling quite as sad. I am not feeling quite as overwhelmed. I have settled. My heart feels some peace alongside the ache. My faith is beginning to rise again. The joy is comfortably mingling with the grief.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel these things, actually, I feel a million and one different things when it comes to this journey on a daily basis, I just feel them differently this year. I now know (from last years experience) that the anticipation of the day is much more traumatic than the day itself. I know (from last years experience) that we want to mark Nicholas' day by doing something special for him and other Angels because that is what makes my heart feel good. I know (from last years experience) that we want to keep busy. We need a plan. We want to remember and love Nicholas, but we want to be busy and focus on doing something positive to honour him and what he means to our family. I also know that my tummy does flip flops just trying to fathom the fact that it has almost been two years since we held our precious boy.

We have healed tremendously from those early months. Our family is strong. Our love is good. We are blessed beyond belief.

This journey we are on is beyond treacherous. It is cyclical. It is linear. It is bumpy and it is smooth. It is most definitely painful and scarring, but, I dare say that sooner or later there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Light that only you can touch. Light that often only you can see. Reach for it and remember that it's there when those bad days arise. Remember that it will shine again, when you are ready.

Two years later I definitely have had some radiant light shine on my life. I truly believe that Nicholas has been an integral part of that. He is a huge source of strength for me, for us. He will guide us through the next few weeks with as much ease and grace as possible.

I count on it.


Jill said...

Such lovely words. I am thinking of you as Nicholas' birthday gets closer. Loving the new blog look with the ladybugs! :)

Andrea said...


Your saying the pain is cyclical resonates with me on many levels. It waxes and then wanes and waxes again, just like the moon. But, I suppose we would not have it any other way, as its our way to "feel" them, a reminder they are with us always.

Angel Days are so bittersweet and I will hold you close to my heart and prayers, as I know the emotions that follow. May your heart be full in knowing Nicholas life continues to bless so many.

Love to you

Cristin said...

your words are so beautiful. i can hear your heart. i can feel your heartache mingled with the joy and wonder of your family. i hope you can feel how much you touch those of us in your "world".

Monica said...

I love the new look. I'm especially a fan of the ladybug. Thinking of you and Nicholas as the second year approaches and pray that all the good memories flow.

Mary said...

I love the new look too. I love this post. It is true that since last year we have healed but still we have our moments.

Carly said...

Oh Lea, I'll be thinking of you as you near Nicholas's 2nd birthday. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Unknown said...

Love the new blog look! Cute!! Love the ladybugs. :)

I think the perspective of last year would def help in anticipating this year. Thanks for your words.

Sarita Boyette said...

It is so hard to believe it has been nearly two years. Whatever you plan for Nicholas' angelversary will be lovely I know. You have given much love and service since he blessed your life. It has been a long road, I know. Hugs to you as you approach his birthday. Remembering Nicholas with you, always.

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