Thursday, August 25, 2011

Summer Secrets

It's been so long since I have visited Nicholas' Touch. A part of me feels guilty for not maintaining his space in a way I feel I should. Another part of me knows that there isn't a day that goes by where Nicholas' name is not mentioned and he is thought of with love and adoration. Just last night, while we were experiencing some pretty wicked weather, Kyle (5 years) was uncomfortable with the thunder and lightning. It was wild and loud and very, very close. As we sat on the couch watching the storm I explained to him that when I was a child my mommy and daddy said that thunder is the Angels having a bowling match. He thought about it for a while and seemed satisfied with this way of thinking. After the next big crack of thunder he turned to me with a smile and let me know that Nicholas just got a spare. Bless his heart. It's in those moments I am so incredibly proud of our kids. They have such love in their souls... it touches everyone.

We have had a beautifully hot, dry and sunny summer. The kids and I have been lucky enough to be up at our family cottage for most of it. Day trips have been wonderful. Day camps have been full of fun and friends. Hanging out in the water or on the back road catching frogs has been memorable. And the laughter has been contagious. It's been nice to have the laughter back... in full swing. For so long I felt like I was holding back. Like I didn't deserve the laughter, the fun, the peace and tranquility.

We have also had plenty of ladybug visits. For the first few weeks there was nothing and I could feel myself getting anxious for a sign.... any kind of sign. Then we started seeing quite a few. In the garden as we picked lettuce for dinner. In the swimming pool with Madison, on the bright, yellow flowers down by the lake. There is such a sweet comfort with those tiny, little bugs. A comfort that is so desperately needed some days.

I have had a dream this summer. A couple of times. It plays the same theme. A horrific, sad and torturess theme. Haunting and down right cruel. I don't think I can even write about it here. I don't think I could put it into any kind of words that would make sense. I just know that it's exhausting and is playing havoc with my mostly comforted heart. Just when you think you have come to terms, or at least found some peace, your mind reminds you of the terrifying details. I can only imagine it will always be this way and we must take the blows as they come... but, man, is it tough.

I read the other day, on a baby loss forum ~ "the loss of a baby/child... there is nothing more devastating... I have known people who have been destroyed..." I must pay tribute to so many for not being "destroyed" from our loss. My husband, my children, my parents and my much loved and cherished friends who chose to stick by me through the darkest days. I credit the Angel Wings Boutique with giving me the strength to offer comfort and support to other grieving parents. I am so thankful to Nicholas and his spirit. He lifts me up when I need lifting. He shines his beautiful light when I'm in the dark. And he whispers in my ear when I need soothing.

What I wouldn't give to feel the weight of his tiny body in my arms again....

Love you, Buddy.