Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Still November 7, 2008
As I said in my last post, we were able to spend precious, precious time with our sweet boy after he was born. I am so grateful for that, for those amazing (although heart wrenching) memories.
The nurses kept asking us if we wanted to see a Chaplain. I remembering this incredible feeling come over me. My husband and I are not religious so I was a little hesitant in accepting the offer of having a Chaplain present. However, once she walked through our hospital room's door I felt at peace, calm and confident that we had made the right decision. The first thing the Chaplain said to me that afternoon was "dear, the majority of the people I visit are not religious. That doesn't take away the fact that Nicholas is one of God's children. I am not here to judge, I am here to honor your sweet baby boy." That is a statement I will take away from that day and hold on tight to. She was amazing, she was gentle and she gave us what we wanted.
We had a Naming and Blessing Ceremony for Nicholas. Just my husband, Nicholas, myself and the Chaplain. It was reassuring. It somehow gave me peace that his beautiful little life had been validated.
Soon after, our lovely, tender nurse wrapped our baby boy in the blanket I had brought for him and left our room. She said that she was going to take Nicholas to the "quiet room". All I could imagine was him laying there, all alone.... or with other dead babies... my heart was breaking into a million and one pieces.
My husband and I decided to stay the night at the hospital. I was back and forth as to whether to go home..... gosh, I didn't want to go home... and I didn't want to stay. Home was a good 45 minute drive and I was still bleeding quite a bit.. so we stayed. They moved us to a private room. I wondered about every door we passed on the way; "is that the quiet room? is that where my baby boy is?" Our beautiful nurse told us that we could see Nicholas again if we wanted to ... we decided that we had already said goodbye and we didn't know how to do it again.
The nurses found a cot for my husband to sleep on. We didn't use it. We collapsed into each other arms that night and sobbed ourselves to a restless sleep.
The next morning... we left the hospital. Empty handed. Empty hearted.
It's not goodbye buddy... we love you "to the moon and back" (as your oldest brother says) xoxo
Posted by Lea at 9:29 AM