Wednesday, January 29, 2014


Hey Buddy,

Yesterday was a day to remember.  To keep safe in my heart for many years to come.  Yesterday a community of people came together to remember, honour, pay respect to two beautiful, tiny souls.  Souls that weren't given a chance at life.  Souls that were left to die... alone, in the dark, in the cold, with no one to cuddle them, no one to love them as children deserve to be loved.  Yesterday I stood respectfully before their tiny, white coffins.  Those coffins.  Many memories of my last moments with you....  a coffin should not be that small.  It's cruel.  Unfair.  And far from okay.  I stood there and the tears came.  The lump formed...  as I imagined these precious lives being so unnecessarily cut short.  Imaging their helplessness ... and the helplessness these mothers felt.  Praying that the media coverage the service was getting will somehow, someway break through a barrier of society that doesn't seem to want to touch these subjects.  Hoping that "the powers that be" will find compassion for these lost souls... for the parents that are scared or sick...  Wishing that there will be something put into place to help.  To give these parents an option.  An option over abandonment.  An option over death.

I felt my body physically ache and become weak with grief as those sweet baby boys were carried out of the funeral home.  I had to remind myself to breathe... to steady myself as my heart broke all over again.  We followed the hearse to their grave.  A peaceful, delicate spot carved in the garden of the cemetery...  The temperature was beyond cold (-30) and the wind whipped the snow around us.  It was bitter... yet fitting.  I could endure a few minutes of dreadful cold to say goodbye to these boys.  To give them the dignity and respect they did not get in life.  To love them and comfort them on the last leg of their journey....  because they deserve it.  Because we cared.

Friday, January 24, 2014

"I Mention Him"

Exactly, buddy.... never far from my thoughts.... always in my heart

I Mention Him

I Mention Him

Not to make you uncomfortable,
He's my son, I should be able to talk about him.

Not to dwell,
He will forever be my son, part of my life, my heart.

Not to make you feel guilty,
He is a child just like your own, but he's in Heaven.

Not to bring you down,
It brings me joy to speak of him fondly.

Not to get attention,
He exists in my life just as your topics of conversation exists in yours.

Not to gain sympathy,
Believe you me, I wish I did not have to speak on him the past tense.

Not to bring you down,
My grief is lifelong, my healing is in the only life he has now, his mommy.

Not to rub it in your face,
I would never wish this on ANYONE!

Not to make it about me,
I am just another parent trying to speak of my kids the way you do yours.

Not to suck you into my world,
Your world is just as important to me.

Not to distract you,
I want to hear how your life is going, your happiness is relevant.

Not to take away from the conversation,
Yet life as well as death is a part of common conversation.

Not to make my life seem more important than yours,
I am my own person in my own journey and I share what is in my heart just as you do.

Not to remind you of your own grief,
We all walk our own paths and stumble as all humans do, we should pick each other up.

Not to garner your support,
Everyone gives whatever they can to enrich the lives of the ones they care for.

Not to remind you,
No one needs to be reminded of the loss of a child.

Not to haunt you,
It sucks, it truly does but not speaking of him haunts those who love him.

He is my son, I mention him, his life, his passing, and the times since then because I live every one of those moments in real time everyday.  He is a part of my being.  He is a part of my soul.  He has a place in my heart.  I carried him in my womb.  I watched him struggle.  I made the hardest decision a parent will EVER have to make...I let him go.  But understand, though I let him go physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, he will ALWAYS be with me!  I am thankful for it, it's all I have and at this point, it is all I need.  

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


I think about you so much.  I think about how much you have enriched my life... how much strength I am able to present, because of you.  I think about our connection and the connection I have been honoured to make with others...  I dream about your tiny, little spirit and just how big it truly is.  My heart is healing and I am relieved to say that I feel at peace.  I

On your 5th birthday we visited a small hospital in Ottawa.  I presented 6 Comfort Boxes to an audience of 8 nurses, doctors, caregivers....  6 Comfort Boxes in your name and in your honour.  Your legacy continues, buddy.

On that very day, just as we were posing for a group photo I spotted a ladybug....  a beautiful, perfect ladybug silently perched on a luscious plant inside of the hospital.  My heart was stunned at the timing... it was also filled with joy and warmth as I realized that your spirit was there.. with your family, far from home... offering your energy and your light to an emotional day.

Beautiful things do happen.

Love your sweet soul, buddy...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.