Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Heartbroken... again

Firstly, thank you all for your love and support when I asked for it... and even when I don't. I feel such a strong connection to all of you and am truly grateful to have you in my life.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks.

We found out we were pregnant.

It was a HUGE shock and I struggled with the news for a couple of days.

I appreciate that some of you reading would be overjoyed with such news. I realize that there are many of you battling infertility and praying for a live, healthy baby in your arms. Please know that I, too, pray for you daily. To you, my words may sound harsh, but I must be true to myself.

I struggled with the news because it was a complete and utter surprise. We had been extremely careful... I honestly didn't know where I was going to come up with the strength to, emotionally, make it through another pregnancy. I barely made it through Madison's without losing it with worry, panic, etc...

Then it sunk in. I began to accept the fact that we had been blessed, yet again. Blessed to be chosen to be this little "blossom's" parents. Blessed to experience the deepest love on earth.... again.

We started making plans. Our current house is not quite equipped for another baby. We needed to do some "juggling"... some rearranging. It was going to work. I could see the future.

Madison was going to have a baby brother or sister so close in age. A best friend for life, no questions asked. An unbreakable sibling bond.

Then, the unthinkable...

We lost the baby.

I began spotting last Wednesday. And then cramping. I headed for the ER on Saturday. Had an ultrasound, some blood work. My Beta levels were okay. There was "something" detected in my uterus... but no heartbeat. I was told to come back in two days... Monday. The bleeding increasingly got worse and worse over the weekend and by Monday I was in a lot of pain. Went back to emerg...

"Fetal Demise"... another two words in the english language I'll never forget. I was suffering a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The bathroom became my enemy the last couple of days. Every time I would go I wondered just which part of our baby I was going to expel this time.... horrible, I know, but the truth.

I had a D&C yesterday. It's over. Done. And I'm left at a loss again.

This time around it's a little easier to convince myself that "things happen for a reason". With Nicholas, I will never accept that. There will never be a good enough reason that our youngest son isn't here... playing with his brothers, protecting his sister. This time, I have to believe that something must have been wrong. I have to believe that our "blossom" didn't make it because he or she wouldn't have been able to make it on their own. If that is the case, then I am grateful that "blossom" will never feel any pain... will never know anything but love and security from his/her mommy and daddy. I am grateful that he/she has Nicholas to welcome them...

We even played around with some names...

Cole Kenneth - boy
Cassie Christine - girl

And now, rest. For the body, heart and soul.

We will, yet again, pick up the pieces and focus on the positive.

We will remember "Blossom" and what could have been...

Loved you from the beginning, little one.

Sleep well and shine bright.

Mommy xx

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Prayers & Strength

Morning Friends,

Not many words today and not enough strength to explain, but I would really appreciate prayers and strength sent our way.

I can always count on you.


Sunday, November 21, 2010

To My Mommy & Daddy

I just came across this letter posted on Dana's blog.... thought I'd share.

True perfection.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know this is a rough time for you so I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in us. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work at someone else's timetable.

Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life.

It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking of me. I know that you'll never forget. Losing me and grabbing hold of a new meaning in your life is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.

Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud and if they don't make hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship.

If, by a remote possiblilty, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't, I forgive you. Resentment does not abide here, only love.

You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I am still yours and you are still my mother. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you.

I know how you feel inside. Read, even though your tears anoint the pages. In Henri Nowens' book "Out of Solitude" he writes, "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I want you to know that I am okay and that I have sent you messages to ease your pain. They come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels.

Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simple as an internal feeling of peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.

Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their grief work, they are an inspiration and a beacon of hope for you.

There are still funny things happening in our world. It delights me to no end to hear your spontaneous laughter.

Mommy and Daddy, I will always be in your heart. Today I will light a candle for you. When you light your candle for me their light will shine above the darkness.


Your Baby

Author unknown

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Nicholas' Race #2

Hey Everyone,

It's been a while... our computer broke down... had to be fixed... it's back and now it's time for....

Catch up!

I have been wanting to post about Nicholas' 2nd Angel Day for a couple of weeks now.

We drove up North to our cottage on the Friday night. It snowed like crazy the entire trip up! My husband and I just kept hoping that it was getting it out of it's system for Saturday and the race.

It was.

We woke up, November 6, 2010, to a breathtaking sunrise over the lake.

It was cold, so we layered, and layered, and layered.

We picked up 15 blue and white balloons on the way to the Race that morning.

Everyone took a turn scribbling messages to Nicholas.

We are so proud of everyone who participated in the race itself... including Nicholas' daddy!

I made ladybug cupcakes as a treat for after the race.

Then we released the balloons......

And something truly magical happened....

Can you see the "N" formation?

My beautiful sis-in-law captured this shot.

It continues to take my breath away....

All in all, the day was perfect. Positive. Heartwarming. Emotional. Beautiful.

We were comforted by the presence of family and friends who have shared in our journey. Who have been there through thick and thin. Who continue to be there in the joys and the sorrow.

Nicholas was there too. I know it. I felt his hand on my heart the entire day. He held me up. Kept me warm. Blew me Angel Kisses. He even sent me a ladybug ;)

And now... Presenting "Team Nicholas"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Happy 2", Nicholas

Reeves, Nicholas Warren

November 7, 2008

"How quietly he tiptoed into our world.
Softly, only for a moment.
But what an imprint his footprints
have left upon our hearts"

Missing and remembering you always, baby boy.

"Happy 2"

Mommy, Daddy, Evan, Kyle and Madison.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Nicholas' Touch - A Poem

Nicholas’ Touch – Two Years

Two years ago
You touched our lives,
Then flew high with a piece of our hearts.
You tiptoed in,
Quiet and pure…
And now we’re never apart.

Your legacy has grown and grown,
You’ve flown across the world.
I love to know you’ve gone so far,
Your soul has truly soared.

The pain of having you not here,
Softens day by day.
We wish that you walked right next to us,
But know you couldn’t stay.

You have work to do, our sweet boy,
Fly high and keep us safe.
We dream of holding you again,
And kissing your sweet face.

A little boy you would be,
Rambunctious and full of fun.
Although that’s not the way it is,
You’re an Angel above the sun.

Two years ago we met you,
We touched and kissed your face.
Two years ago we held you,
In a strong and long embrace.

We think of you so often,
Of what you could have been.
We dream of your reflection,
Of what you could have seen.

We’re grateful for your strength, my boy
You’ve taught us all so much.
Happy birthday, Nicholas,
Thank you for your touch.

Love you baby boy,
November 7, 2010