Monday, October 25, 2010

Two Years

November 7th is creeping up. Ever so slowly. Painfully slow...

I feel my heart aching more. I feel my muscles involuntarily getting tighter and tighter. I feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, more ready to spill out. I feel the knot in my tummy continually churning. I feel my patience running thin...

Being somewhat of a veteran of this grieving mother journey, I am well aware that these feelings are quite normal. That the anniversaries are, for some reason, especially difficult. That the memories and the ache seem to be brought back to the forefront only on a much grander scale then the everyday grief that comes with mourning your child.

We remember Nicholas on a daily basis. We speak his name often. We are proud to call him our son, brother... but this is different. The anticipation of 'celebrating' his second Angel Day, without him, is tearing me apart all over again.

It is so incredibly hard to believe that it has been 2 years....

Two years filled with every kind of emotion imaginable.

Two years of mourning our son.

Two years of parenting Nicholas' siblings through their grief.

Two years of desperately trying to find some joy.

Two years of a subsequent pregnancy and being blessed with our fourth, beautiful child.

Two years of trying to understand and support each other as husband and wife.

Two years of navigating through insurmountable guilt as a mother.

Two years of raw, indescribable pain and two years of pure bliss.

I wouldn't change a thing.

We are who we are today because of our experiences. A big part of who we are as a family unit is because of Nicholas and what he has taught us.

I am who I am today because of our youngest son's legacy. His short, little life has touched me more than words can express. As sad and overwhelmed as I am some days... my life has been enriched. Enriched is so many ways. Nicholas has given me the strength and courage to fight. Fight for our family. Fight for our love. He has opened doors of opportunity for me to help other parents who are experiencing this torturess road. With each pair of Angel Wings I send out, I am honoured to know that I am offering a little bit of comfort in my son's memory. Nicholas has "flown" to so many places and it warms my heart to know that he is remembered by so many.

And so, as I not so eagerly await for November 7, I remember and reflect. I thank God for my life and all of the true blessings in it.

12 comments:

Andrea said...

Love to you Leah....your sweet words and encouragement have paved the way for many. Nicholas legacy lives on through you. I pray for you always, as I know the grieving never stops.

Much Love
xxx

MEK said...

<3 I am thinking of you guys while nicholas birthday is slowly aproching <3

The Blue Sparrow said...

Lea, I will be praying you through and remembering your sweet Nicholas with you. Brystons wings mean so much to me and I am so glad that a part of Nicholas's legacy could be in my home! (((HUGS)))

Lynda said...

I will be thinking and remembering Nicholas with you. Its hard to believe two years have almost passed by.

Michele said...

Amen, sister... Remembering your 2 year old boy as my second son approaches his second birthday in heaven too... Hugs...

Cristin said...

Your grace is unmeasurable. You balance the joy and acceptance so well with your grief and heartache. You are a wonderful mother I know, to all of your children. You are a wonderful friend.......this I know as well because I count you among my dearest of friends. I have been thinking of you and Nicholas and will continue to do so. I pray he stays close to you throughout the next couple weeks to steady you when you falter and to comfort you when you weep.

Sarita Boyette said...

I thank God for you and your family.You have touched so many hearts through Nicholas' memory, and I feel blessed to be one of those hearts. Thinking of you and sending love & hugs.

crystal theresa said...

Thinking of you, Lea, and remembering Nicholas with you. You are an amazing woman and mother. ((hugs))

LindaCatherine said...

Lea,
I have been thinking about you...As much as we both wish our boys were here - it is b/c of them and the journey that we took after we lost them that you are in my life. You have been a constant source of support for me and I really am thankful for you. You are an amazing mother and friend! xxoo

Carly said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers Lea, as Nicholas' birthday approaches. Lots of Love to you.

Holly said...

2 years filled with so much-pain, grief, happiness, love. ♥

Mary said...

The way you have turned your grief into a beautiful way to help others in memory of Nicholas is truly inspiring. I will keep you in my prayers this next week.

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