Monday, May 31, 2010

Wyatt River

Once again the world has come crashing down on one of our own. Our beautiful Courtney has been forced to say goodbye to another son. Wyatt River was born this morning and has joined his brothers, Logan and Brody in Heaven.

There are no words to describe this injustice. Please join me in offering love and strength to Courtney and her boys.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Post Traumatic Stress.

Today was the first time I heard these words, from a professional, in describing myself.

I had another session with my councilor today and it was a rough one. Interesting, because just a few days ago I was contemplating canceling as I didn't feel like I had anything new/different to talk about. Boy, was I wrong.

These doctors certainly have a way to get you to dig deep. Deeper than I have dared to go. I went to a place in my mind, in my heart today where I haven't allowed myself to go in a very long time.

Compartmentalizing. That is what she called it. When you tuck away feelings, memories in a neat little "box" and bury it deep... in an effort to protect yourself and others.

I have been having these flashbacks. Flashbacks to the day before I birthed Nicholas. The day before we held him in our arms. The day that I lay in sheer horror, in a hospital, with my baby boy kicking away inside of me, at the thought of what we had to do next. The day I felt his very last kick. The day Nicholas' soul left my body forever.

For so long I was focused on the day we laid eyes on him. The day we got to kiss his beautiful face, breathe his pure, gentle smell...the day we said goodbye. I seemed to "forget" or surpress the memories leading up to that moment. Those memories are much too hard to remember, and yet, I did today, in explicit detail.

In between sobs and catching my breath, I described the moment my son died. I described how it felt. I described what I felt. Horror. Shock. Indescribable anguish. Soul searing pain. I remembered the doctors. I remembered their words (the good and the bad). I remembered squeezing my husbands hand and screaming like an animal.... unbelievably unnatural. Unbelievably cruel. I remembered being ushered to our room after the "procedure" was done. A room where I would labour my dead baby. A room where I would wait to meet our beautiful son. A room where my body would just not let go. I laboured for hours and hours as doctors and nurses came in and out like we were going through a normal process...

For so long I have blocked these memories from my mind. But now, they creep up on me... in my dreams... as I give the kids a bath... as I hold Madison in my arms... as I give the boys a kiss goodnight... they haunt me... they follow me...they don't allow me to rest.

And then a ladybug lands on my shoulder, as he did this afternoon, in the middle of my driveway... I feel a sense of calm. A sense of understanding. A sense that my baby boy is with me always... as he is always with me.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Thank you, Jen for sharing the following poem.

Perfectly said.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A little boy

I looked after my girlfriend's little boy today. The girlfriend who gave me the Angel Wings
after Nicholas passed away. The girlfriend who, along with her husband, organized the race in Nicholas' honour for his Angel Day. The girlfriend who has been a constant support and beautiful friend in the wake of such a horrific experience.

Her little boy is gorgeous, handsome, adorable.... he is also just about the age Nicholas would be right now.

When he was born a couple of months after we said goodbye to our precious boy, it was so difficult. I would sneak a peak from across the road (they are neighbours) of mom and dad packing him into the car.. strollers, diaper bags, all of the baby stuff and wonder why we were robbed of that with Nicholas. I found it difficult to see him, yet I longed to hold him.

He had a nap here yesterday. He didn't know where he was, so naturally he was a little anxious when I put him down. We snuggled. I stroked his hair and as the tears rolled down my cheeks, I remembered my Nicholas. I mourned for what might have been and I appreciated the opportunity to love this little boy...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Just a little note to say goodnight, sweet Angel. Mommy loves you and misses you with every ounce of my being.

I held "you" (your urn) in my hands today. I kissed you. I dreamed of you. I prayed for you.

I haven't done that very often.... holding your urn, but today, I had this overwhelming urge to hold you close... physically.

You are never far from my thoughts, baby boy.

Always kissing you goodnight.


Monday, May 10, 2010

The Memorial

The Memorial at the hospital was a really lovely service. Very emotional, but lovely. The turnout wasn't great. It was the first year for such a Memorial so we hope that in time the word will get out and that more people will feel comfortable coming. It's such a slippery slope. Once you get yourself there you can feel the love, the comfort, the compassion and understanding resonating from others who feel your pain... it's just getting the courage to walk through those doors. I will be putting my "thinking cap" on to come up with ways to reach out and encourage these parents to join us next year. I truly think that it's such an important way to honour our babies, to honour ourselves as their parents.

I stayed and personalized a few wings. Heard stories of loss, of course, but also stories of hope and of peace. I was very grateful to be there, to offer Nicholas' wings, to share his legacy, to express my love for him. The hospital kept the rest of the wings to include in care packages, as tokens of comfort, and maybe some for next year's service.

A beautiful mother (who is also a beautiful friend and fabulous nurse) bravely stood in front of the gathering and talked about her son. She spoke of her love for him. She spoke of the intensity of losing him much too soon. She spoke of her understanding of the immense grief that each of us suffer with on a daily basis. She also read the following poem. And she did this with the dignity and grace I knew she would.

My Little One, My Dear One, My Love

My little, one, my dear one, my love,
you will be with me forever:
in the thin sunlight and long shadows
of a clear winter's day;
in the dawn excitement of birds
sounding in early spring;
in the rustle of heavy-leafed trees
in a mid-summer's night;
in the rich aromas and bright colours
of a warm autumn day.
All that is excellent,
brushed by Life's
brightness and shadow,
will remind me of you,
My little one, my dear one, my love.
You will beat with my heart,
see through my eyes,
hear with my ears,
feel on my skin.
Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever,
My little one, my dear one, my love.

~Edward Searl

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Love to all you beautiful Mothers

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Wishing each and every one of you strength, peace and love this Mother's Day... as grateful and blessed as we all are, it will never be the same.


Friday, May 7, 2010

1 1/2

Hi Buddy,

Hard to believe that you would be 1 1/2 years old today. Unbelievable really. We miss you every day. We love you every minute.

You have brought so much greatness into our lives. Thank you for that.

Have fun with your friends today... wish mommy could give you a big, fat kiss. For now, I will send one up to the sky. Catch it, ok?

Happy Birthday, my boy.

Loving you always,
Mommy xx

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Memorial

Dear Nicholas,

Tonight is the night, baby boy. Tonight is the Memorial at the hospital... the one Nana and I made 100+ Angel Wings for! Mommy is pretty anxious about the whole thing. I'm sure it will be emotional, but I am really looking forward to offering the wings to other baby lost mommies and daddies. We make them out of love for you and I am so proud to know that they may comfort others who are missing their Angels as much as we do.

I know you will be with mommy tonight.... I love you.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Donate Button

Hi Everyone,

I have decided to add a DONATE button from PayPal to The Angel Wings Memorial Boutique (see sidebar). Many people have inquired about it, so I hope that it offers an easier method to contribute to this special initiative. Thank you all for helping me continue to honour our special babies.

Lea xx

Monday, May 3, 2010

Unsettled and a Madison Fix

Few words tonight.... life in our household is a little unsettled these days. We are trying to stumble along gracefully, but it would be a lie to say that life's stresses aren't beginning to really take a toll. Hoping for some peace and harmony soon.

I leave you tonight with a new picture of our beautiful Little Miss Sunshine... AKA Miss Madison.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sending Love Across the Miles....

Thinking of you all and our special Angels today..... may everyone find some peace and comfort in knowing we are all together in this journey.... and our Angels have also found each other.