Friday, March 6, 2009

I'm Okay

"Maybe one day we will have the old Leanna back"..... this was a statement I heard yesterday. I just want to scream "NO, you will never, ever have the old Leanna back". I have changed so totally and completely that the "old" Leanna couldn't come back if she wanted to.

"I don't know if you are okay" was another comment. "What do you mean by that?" I asked. The instance I was given to describe that I may not be "okay" was absolutely ridiculous. All I can say is, "seriously, I'm not okay because of that???!

As far as I'm concerned I'm okay. I get out of bed in the morning. I look after my boys, I feed them, I play with them, I read with them, I get them ready for school, I look after other people's kids... we do crafts, circle time, I keep the house clean and organized, I am getting out, I am starting to see some friends again, I've started exercising again, I have a wonderful relationship with my husband..... I'm OKAY, or at least as okay as I can be right now.

There is no doubt that I have changed, that my world has changed and that my perspective and outlook has changed on many different levels. I realize that may be hard on others. That it may be easierif I was "the old" Leanna, but unfortunately, this is what our life has been dealt. I am dealing the best way I know how right now. My hope is to emerge from this journey a a "bigger and better" person. I pray that I have the courage to do that and that each new day brings me closer to that transformation. I am constantly evolving... I just wish that I would be granted the time by others to learn who this new me is.

Okay... I'm done venting.. thank you for listening!


Carly Marie said...

I think you are doing beautifully.

You be how ever you need to be :) Don't worry about others. Put yourself first. The old Leanna is not you anymore but there are still parts of her in you.

I get so upset when I hear that phrase "where is the old"

Even though I never new you before sweet Nicholas I think the new Leanna is beautiful:)

All my love to you tonight, you vent away :)


Unknown said...

I know what you mean I will never be the old me. I miss the old me and hope the new me can be just as good or even better then the old me. If any of that made since that is GREAT! I hate how people think we need to "be over it" how can you be over something like loosing a child, would they be over it if they lost one of theirs? I DONT think SO!!!

Barbara said...

I have changed so much and I hope in some ways for the better (I'd give up the all-new-me in a heartbeat) and anyone who wants the old me back can just whistle.

How could we be the same people? I think we would be fairly dead from the neck up not to have been changed in some way by our loss!

Leanna, be who you are right in this moment. Don't give in to the pressure to be "over it". You're doing beautifully. We all are!


Lea said...

Thank you, thank you! I can't tell you how much everyone's support means to me (I guess you all know for yourselves). I find it so incredibly amazing to feel such a strong connection to women who live a world away.

still life angie said...

I absolutely hate hearing that, or "that's the Angie I used to know." or what they mean to say, "that's the Angie that I am comfortable with, the one that doesn't look sad and broken." As Carly, the new Leanna is beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I know I hate those expectations of returning to what we used to be - how can we? I didn't know the old Leanna either but I'm glad to know the new one.

ezra'smommy said...

Indeed, the old me is forever gone. So sorry sweet Nicholas is not in your arms.

Emily said...

It took me a long time to realize I was a new me- not better, not worse, but different. ((hugs))

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