Tuesday, March 31, 2009

November 7, 2008 - Not Goodbye, Nicholas

Still November 7, 2008

As I said in my last post, we were able to spend precious, precious time with our sweet boy after he was born. I am so grateful for that, for those amazing (although heart wrenching) memories.

The nurses kept asking us if we wanted to see a Chaplain. I remembering this incredible feeling come over me. My husband and I are not religious so I was a little hesitant in accepting the offer of having a Chaplain present. However, once she walked through our hospital room's door I felt at peace, calm and confident that we had made the right decision. The first thing the Chaplain said to me that afternoon was "dear, the majority of the people I visit are not religious. That doesn't take away the fact that Nicholas is one of God's children. I am not here to judge, I am here to honor your sweet baby boy." That is a statement I will take away from that day and hold on tight to. She was amazing, she was gentle and she gave us what we wanted.

We had a Naming and Blessing Ceremony for Nicholas. Just my husband, Nicholas, myself and the Chaplain. It was reassuring. It somehow gave me peace that his beautiful little life had been validated.

Soon after, our lovely, tender nurse wrapped our baby boy in the blanket I had brought for him and left our room. She said that she was going to take Nicholas to the "quiet room". All I could imagine was him laying there, all alone.... or with other dead babies... my heart was breaking into a million and one pieces.

My husband and I decided to stay the night at the hospital. I was back and forth as to whether to go home..... gosh, I didn't want to go home... and I didn't want to stay. Home was a good 45 minute drive and I was still bleeding quite a bit.. so we stayed. They moved us to a private room. I wondered about every door we passed on the way; "is that the quiet room? is that where my baby boy is?" Our beautiful nurse told us that we could see Nicholas again if we wanted to ... we decided that we had already said goodbye and we didn't know how to do it again.

The nurses found a cot for my husband to sleep on. We didn't use it. We collapsed into each other arms that night and sobbed ourselves to a restless sleep.

The next morning... we left the hospital. Empty handed. Empty hearted.

It's not goodbye buddy... we love you "to the moon and back" (as your oldest brother says) xoxo


Shanti Mama said...

oh Lea, I can't stop crying after reading this. That Chaplain was amazing.


Lindsay said...

Thank you so much for letting us glimpse in to those precious moments you and your husband had with your son. I'm so sorry for you.
Much Love Lindsay

still life angie said...

Beautiful sentiment from the chaplain...Thank you for sharing your story and for sharing Nicholas with all of us. ((((hugs))))xoxox Angie

Fireflyforever said...

I'm crying for you and for little Nicholas - and also for me and Emma. Such a lot of your post felt heart-rendingly familiar. I could look at his picture for hours. He is so utterly beautiful.

Hope's Mama said...

Coming home empty handed and broken hearted from the hospital was about the hardest thing I did.

Julie said...

Lea, he is so beautiful. I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful Nicholas. The Chaplain helped, I am glad of that. Please take extra care of yourself after writing Nicholas' story. Love to you today, Julie

Unknown said...

its taken some time for me to read your story. I am glad I finally got the courage to do so. I am SO sorry that you had to make such a tough decision. I am not sure I would be SO strong. Nicholas is BEAUTIFUL! I know you miss him so much, just like I miss my Kenner. They are probably up in heaven being BEST friends!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Oh...how your words take me back. I am aching with you tonight. Praying for you...so sorry.

Zil said...

Thank you for sharing this difficult story. I am sorry for your loss. It's a hard journey, but we will walk with you and give you strength.

IndieBambino said...

I cant catch my breath, your story reminds me so much of my own, though the details are different, saying goodbye is so much the same. It's such a shock and a tender release to know that someone else has felt this pain too. I'm so sorry we are together in this. My love to you

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