Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Yesterday - Nicholas' Results

So, yesterday was the day. We had our meeting about Nicholas' autopsy report.

I can honestly say that, like in many other situations, the anticipation of the day was much worse than the meeting itself.

Don't get me wrong, it was tough. We took the same route to the hospital, went up the same elevators, walked down the same halls, passed the office where we learned of Nicholas' condition and met with the same doctors. It was all very surreal, but in the end, I felt a sense of peace.

We arrived very early (you never know how the traffic will be) so we got a coffee and sat outside the hospital for a good hour. I kept feeling this overwhelming pull to go find Nicholas and hold him again. It's amazing how crazy (and cruel) our minds can be, isn't it? I guess I felt this way because (besides the funeral home) that hospital, in those surroundings was where I first and last met our son. Where I held him, cried over him, kissed his wet little face....

We didn't find out anything too different than what had been speculated originally. What happened with Nicholas' brain was most likely due to the events leading up to my surgery or the surgery itself. It kills me to think that my body compromised necessary blood and oxygen to our baby boy. I look at the pain in my boys and my husband's faces and I often think "I caused this". My body failed me, our family and our sweet Angel. Up until that 20 week mark when I collapsed, Nicholas was on track, healthy.... and alive. I know, I know, it's an irrational thought. Nobody could have predicted these horrible events, but the guilt, the anguish will always be with me. I think it's just instilled in me now... a burden I will always carry.

Our other boys stayed with their Nana, so we went to pick them up later in the afternoon. When we arrived, our oldest son was very excited to tell us that he and Nana had bought a balloon. A blue, helium balloon for Nicholas. He also made a little note.... I helped him tie it to the balloon and when we got home we said a few words, he kissed it and let it go.... high in the sky. It was a gorgeous, clear day, so we actually got to see it for quite a while..... until "Nicholas caught it". He was still asking me this morning if Nicholas got his note. "I know he did".

So, if you look up into the sky today (wherever you are) look for a perfect, blue balloon. It was sent to Heaven with kisses and tons of love for our Angel.

A BIG thank you to all who remembered our day yesterday! It means so much to have such thoughtful and wonderful friends who take the time to let us know they are thinking of us..... xx

~Kisses to Heaven~

Today I sent a kiss to Heaven
I'm encouraging all of you to try
For if I have shared this with you
You have had a child die.

This kiss came from deep inside
And I know that it truly was received
Right after I had sent my kiss
A calming breeze surrounded me.

Not only that, a wind chime rang
From where I do not know
But I felt my children smile at me
And say they love me so.

Take a kiss within your hands
And look up to the sky
Release that kiss with loving care
Now please try not to cry.

Once your kiss is off to them
To Heaven's gate above
Just look for any single sign
Of your child's precious love.

~Unknown Author~


Anonymous said...

Lea, sending you much love on what must have been a very difficult day. Much love to you & your precious boys.

Courtney said...

*hugs to you my sweet friend

Bree said...

Sending the balloon to Nicholas was a beautiful gesture. Your boys sound so sweet.
Im sorry that yesterday was difficult for you. I too feel like my body failed my sweet baby. It is such a miserable feeling.
You are an incredible woman, Lea. Your posts always touch my heart.

margaret said...

Lea, I'm so heartbroken for you. Honestly, as sad as it sounds, I think what happened to Nicholas (and my Calvin for that matter), was a fluke. You did nothing to cause this. Neither did I. It just happened. It pains me to see you blaming yourself, even though I have had the same thoughts about Calvin's defect. I'm so glad you made it through the day, I can't imagine what going back must have been like for you. Sending you my love...

Bluebird said...

Oh that's *so* precious! How beautiful, what a sweet imagine. . .

And I understand, feeling like your body failed your son. I could tell you all day that that's not true and etc. But I know you'll still feel that way from time to time. All I can *really* say is that I'm here to listen if you ever need to talk.

Kate said...

Guilt is a powerful feeling us angel baby momma's face. Rationally we know it was not our faults, but our mind plays horrible tricks on our broken hearts. Unfortunately, I think this is normal. I love the blue balloon, your boys are so sweet. :-) Hugs to you Lea! Many, many, hugs!

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you not feel guilty, and you realize it is not rational, but I wish you didn't have to carry that burden. My body failed Gregory also. He was perfectly healthy and moving away and waving to us on the screen and we watched him die on the screen as my body pushed him down the birth canal. I love the balloon idea and the thought your son put into doing that for Nicholas. I think of you often. Hugs.

Hope's Mama said...

Thinking of you Lea. Being back in the hospital is never fun.
Your two boys are gorgeous. And I know their little brother caught his balloon.

Lynda said...

Your oldest son touched my heart. That is truly beautiful.

Mary said...

Lea I completely understand the guilt. We just have to learn to be gentle to ourselves.

Your sons are so amazing which is only a reflection of what great parents you are. ((hugs))

Heather said...

I hope you find little pieces of peace here and there. I know what you mean about the blame. I have started to really latch on to the whole "my body failed us" thing. Sending you big hugs as I know retracing those steps had to be very mind blowing, and heart wretching.

Shanti Mama said...

Lea, I was thinking about you over the weekend and this day. I, like many of us, understand the guilt of bodies failing us. I have yet to let that go.

What a sweet older brother.

Hugs to you.

Unknown said...

I love that blue balloon picture! What a GREAT older brother Nichola's has!

Nan & Mike said...

Hugs to you. Just to go into the hospital again was bravery in itself.

I for one, believe the balloons do not fall back to earth, and do reach our babies.

xo Nan

Jen said...

I thought about you all day on Monday and hoped that the news and day would be gentle on you. The guilt that we let our babies down can be so hard to handle, but you know that you didn't do anything intentionally to hurt Nicholas.

What a sweet son that you have to buy the balloon and write the note. How thoughtful for being so young...


Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Lea, I wish I could take the guilt away from you to somehow lessen your pain. I know that's not possible. But still.

I can't help but look at Nicholas's sweet little face. He is beautiful.


Carly said...


Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. What a beautiful tribute your son made for his brother.

With Love, Carly

Kyles said...

I know how you feel Lea...

My body failed me also.. a bad turn of events lead to my inability to keep Sophie safe. I will live with that guilt forever.

I truly hope your guilt eases with time.

Dalene said...

What a beautiful gesture by Nicholas' older brother. Funny how kids can often express their grief and love better than adults.

Akul's mama said...


We are all moms who have given all of ourselves to our children..both in the womb and outside. I have lost my son too, but I know there is nothing I could have done. Each one of us is a wonderful mom...we are just unfortunate.

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