Friday, May 29, 2009

Nicholas' Results

The phone call I have both been eagerly awaiting and desperately dreading finally came the other day. Nicholas' autopsy result is final and we have a meeting set with the doctors on June 22.

We don't expect to find out anything more or new other than what we already know (that the insult to Nicholas' brain was all because of an unheard of, horrible "fluke"). I hate hearing that... I hate the doctors referring to my baby boy as a "fluke".

I think it will be a relief to finally be able to jump this next hurdle in our journey - but I'm terrified. I'm terrified of going back down to 'that' hospital. The hospital where we learned of our son's demise, the hospital where we had to birth him, the hospital where we said good-bye. I am terrified of going to meet with these doctors and have to sit in that same office. The office where we were told that our boy would most likely not survive birth. The office where we had to face the most horrendous, difficult, heart wrenching decision of our entire life. I am terrified of hearing anything else. Anything different. Anything new to add to our heartache.

I'm just terrified.... obviously.

17 comments:

Shanti Mama said...

Going back to those places is hard. Everytime I pass the hospital I think the same thing. The anxiety BEFORE these events seems to be worst part. Take some deep breaths as you enter these spaces... it helps. Prepare yourself for medical terms that may come your way...i.e. referring to what happened as "fetal demise". I'll be thinking of you, Mr. Lea, & Nicholas and sending you love and strength on the 22nd.

angie said...

Like Shanti Mama said, sometimes the anxiety before the event is worse than the actual event. I was terrified when we went for Lucy's autopsy results. Same thing. Same hospital. Same everything. But once I was in there, I could listen and take notes, and after months of not knowing anything, I was getting information, even if it was what I already knew, i.e., nothing caused her death. I too was terrified of finding out something new, because I wrapped my brain around one reality. Still, when I left there, I felt like a small part of this ordeal had some closure. I too will be thinking of all of you, and sending you much love and strength.

Bluebird said...

I understand. Surroundings can be so powerful. I once had to go for blood work at the hospital where I delivered. . . we got lost, and asked some dr. for directions - she, of course, lead us straight through the L&D department. It was all I could do to not fall on the floor. I just held my breath (not recommended, but it worked for me!), held B's arm, and looked straight ahead!

Surroundings aside, I hope the knowledge you're about to gain gives you some tiny moment of peace. The science and information can be so overwhelming . . . when we got our autopsy report I scanned it, lost it ("it," not the report!)- then eventually went back and revisited it, googled everything, and just kind of sat with the information. It was hard, but "good." Thinking of you friend.

Bree said...

Hi Lea,
Thank you for visiting my blog. I have visited yours a couple of times. I'm so grateful for the support I've found online. I'm so sorry about your loss of sweet Nicolas. He was a beautiful baby.
Bree

Monique said...

Big hugs, Lea. Hoping you get some answers or some information.

Emalee said...

Oh hun, I hope you can have some strength that day. To listen and to understand. I hate that you have to do this. I am sorry. HUGS to you

Kate said...

Thinking of you Lea. Hugs!!!

Amy said...

I remember going in to discuss Liam's autopsy - we met in the chaplain's office, just inside the hospital doors. In this way we avoided having to travel the halls of a place that was incredibly painful. It was not anything I ever though I'd be doing, ever. I dislike the "fluke" word too.

I'll think of you on the 22nd, hoping that courage fill you and get you through that terrible step in this journey.

Hope's Mama said...

It is never fun to go back there. I'm having to do it all again now for this new baby, and it is hard. It gets easier though. I have developed a nice thick skin. And I avoid eye contact with a lot of people.

Erica said...

Awwwe, thinking of you during this time. I had to go back to the hospital months later because I never stopped bleeding and I remembering dreading it so badly! I hope you feel strength on that day!

Courtney said...

Oh hon. I wish you didn't have to go through all of this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I am sorry you have to do all of that. My MFM is located right outside L&D and when I have his visits I just stare at the room where we delivered Gregory and said goodbye. My stomach gets in knots just pulling into the hospital parking lot. I also hate hearing that "nothing was wrong" so it was just one of those freak things that happens to almost nobody. I hope you don't get any further sad news. You've been through enough. I will certainly be thinking of you on the 22nd. Hugs.

Paige said...

Sending you strength for the difficult task taht lies ahead on the 22nd. My MFM is in the same hospital where Cayden was born and spent 2 weeks in the NICU. It's become less painful each time we go back, but the first was hard. Really, really hard. But I felt strong when we walked out, and I hope you will too.

I'm hoping you get some answers, and that no one dares to use the word 'fluke' in describing Nicholas. He was a beautiful baby boy. Your baby boy. Everyone should know that. xo

Paige said...

PS-My verification word was 'healit'. Bizarre.

Carly K. said...

Lea-

Just want you to know I'll be thinking of you on that day and wishing you strength. Love, Carly

JenJen said...

Lea,

I know it hurts when people refer to our babies' deaths as "flukes" and I will be sending you love and strength for your appointment with the docs on June 22nd~

Ruth said...

Just praying for you and asking God for comfort for you and your husband. Answers or the lack thereof is hard. We may never know, eh!?? Sending you my love-

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