Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Angry and Hurt

I am soooooooo angry today, mostly hurt, but so angry too.

At the world.

At whoever thought it was okay to take our baby away from us.

At the fact that there are just some people who choose not to bother with us, because it's easier for them.

At those people who seem to think it's okay to make this journey even more difficult on us.

At the fact I can't dismiss these people because they are family. (If it was anyone else, I wouldn't be so upset...they wouldn't deserve to be a part of my life.)

At the fact that when our feelings are not acknowledged.... I feel like those people are not acknowledging and honoring our son, Nicholas.

Thank you very much.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're having such a crappy day and that family (of all people!) can't be more present. Big hugs, Lea. xo

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm angry at all of those things with you. It is so not fair that you have to deal with family members making this terrible tragedy more painful for you. I hope they snap out of this soon. You have enough to worry about and grieve about. Hugs.

Courtney said...

oh hon I sadly know how and what you are going through as I have people in my family who are acting/saying the same things/same way. Its so extremely hurtful. I also have friends who have YET to say anything to me about losing the boys.


margaret said...

Lea I know how painful and hurtful that lack of acknowledgement can be, especially from family. None of my family came to Calvin's funeral. Not one person. Everyone from my husbands side came, some from other provinces. I had more compassion from the staff and doctors that dealt with us than from my own family who often ask me if "I'm over it yet". I can't tell you the anger and hatred I've felt over it, in fact, I've often imagined writing a scathing letter to each and every one of them to ask if it's how they would like to be treated if one of their children died. No one except my son's cardiologist and his surgeon called at Christmas to see how we were doing with our first holiday since he had died. It's so hurtful. I wish I could just reach out and hug you and tell you I understand exactly how you feel and that Nicholas DESERVES to be remembered and acknowledged. Hugging you.

Shanti Mama said...

Oh Lea, I know. I have a lot of the same stuff brewing. ((hugs)).

Sending you peace.

Anonymous said...

Lea, there is nothing like family is there? And sometimes they can just let us down so badly. Thinking of you today and sending you hugs xxx

Kate said...

Lea, I am so sorry. I hate that our babies are gone. I hate that some people will never understand. It's so painful when family doesn't seem to get it, and can be so insensitive. I am thinking of you and sending you love. Hugs

Amy said...

It hurts when family is the one inflicting the pain. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. ((((hugs))))

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Oh, Lea. I'm so sorry you are especially hurt right now.

I hate to be part of the group whose felt the pain of non-acknowledgment, but sadly I'm right there with you. My in-laws are the worst. While they haven't said anything nasty or necessarily inappropriate, they've said little to nothing about E (or my cancer for that matter). Maybe it'd be better if they said something nasty so I'd feel more justified lashing out at them!

I'm praying for some peace in your heart because I know it's a struggle.

P.S. Thank you for supporting my crazy heart. :)

c. said...

It was a few members of my family that I felt hurt me the most. Who have never spoken my son's name even to this day...because it was easier for them. I harbour a lot of resentment toward them, still. I wonder if I always will.

Sorry this is something you are having to wrestle with, Lea.

Brooke said...

I completely understand!!! After a year, we are just now starting down the road of conversations with some of those we chose not to be around after we lost our daughter...I am still hurt and don't know that the relationships can be mended. Sometimes I feel grateful that all of our family live in other states....mostly they have been helpful via the phone...but my husband and I just recently talked about what it would have been like if we had been close to them (geographically speaking). It seemed much different...may have made some things easier, but other things, I think we would have huge problems with!
I am so sorry you are having to go through this! And I know that feeling of wanting your child to be acknowledged no matter how uncomfortable it makes someone else feel. Every person that has asked if this is my first pregnancy (my current pregnancy), I have told about Viviana. It does make many people uncomfortable but I am not denying my daughter's life.
Nicholas is your son and his life is important and real!
I am so sorry he is not with you....
Sending love.....

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