Monday, June 8, 2009

Nicholas' Touch is "Out"

Nicholas' Touch has been leaked.

By leaked, I mean there are many people in my "real" life (IRL) who now know about my sacred place to share my baby boy.

At first, I was upset about it. However, the more I thought about, the less it really bothers me. It is not a secret. It was not created so I could hide my feelings. It was created to share, to give insight and to hopefully help someone along the way.

I started Nicholas' Touch in an attempt to work through my own feelings over losing our son. It is a place to honour Nicholas, to remember him as a part of our family, a place for our boys to reflect on when they are old enough to do so. It is a place where I have felt safe (when many places have not). A place where I can find support, comfort and compassion from others who have also been forced to travel this heart wrenching journey.

The comments and support I receive are precious. There have been many times when certain women have lifted my spirits, put a small smile on my face, sent tears of gratitude down my cheeks.... and all from a world away. I am constantly amazed at the connection I feel to women, parents, who live an ocean away. It's an intimate bond that I am so extremely grateful for. I only wish that one day, we could all get together to share our Angels, tears and laughter in person.

Somehow I don't think I have the slightest idea of the people IRL who are reading here. I don't get those comments (except from my "Chiquitita" whom I love!). I do get the odd "thinking of you today", or "I read about Nicholas today and it touched me" and for that, I am thankful. I am thankful for those unconditional friends and family. The ones who have stuck by us, no matter what. Through the dark, dark days. We needed to get through those dark days to get to the brighter days and although this grief is eternal we are learning to manage it better. We are rediscovering life. Taking in the joy of our children and I am relieved to say, truly smiling again without forgetting our gorgeous Nicholas.

Jill from Only A Whisper said this about her relationship with her husband "I am proud of us - weathered and brow beaten and together and in love." I don't think that I could say it better myself about my husband and I. We are strong. We are united. And we are so totally in love. I believe that says a lot when together, you go through such a traumatic time. It is said (and I truly believe) that losing a child is among the most painful losses we can experience. My husband and I have hung on to each other for dear life the last several months, even when we didn't feel like it, and we are better for it. We remember Nicholas together, we love him together, most importantly, we are together. I love you babe. xx

So, thank you, thank you to all of you (in blogland and IRL) who read and understand. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. I am hopeful that by reading my posts you choose to try to understand us. Even my best friend said to me "Lea, I had no idea about some of the details.... I am grateful to be able experience your journey with you through your blog, thank you for letting us into your heart, this will help me." That is our wish. Our wish is to help others, both experiencing the loss of a child and those who are the supporters, the families, the friends who are desperate to find a way in.

I will forever be grateful to those people who physically came to my door when I was in the "pit", took my hand and said "I love you and I love Nicholas" or pulled me out of the house for a simple walk. They don't have to do that. Believe me, I know it would be much easier to just let us be, to not face the demons, the sadness, the desperation..... but I thank God they didn't take the easy way out. I thank God that they have faith in us.

No one wrote a book on how to deal with such a tragic loss. My husband and I are honestly doing the best we can. We open up our hearts and only hope and pray that others can accept our raw emotions as they are.

I love you guys... I hope you know who you are.



caitsmom said...

I wonder about the comments on blogs sometimes. I know people IRL read my blog, but they don't comment, but bereaved parents and others will. Like you my blog is a place to express my grief and help me take some of the very difficult steps forward.

Thanks for posting. You always give me lots to think about. Peace.

Heather said...

Lea, you are a brave soul for not totally freaking out over the leak of your blog. I can not say that I would do the same, though I know that a few of my peeps IRL have gotten access to my own blog, it still freaks me out and it alters the way I post. Mostly I do not want people IRL to read my blog because I know that I sound like I need some serious "help" and unless you've been there, I just don't feel like you can judge me. I'm affraid of the judgment I would receive from peeps IRL. I'm glad you are able to make peace with the leak, and I truly hope that your friends and family will treat this with gentle kindness and not be judgemental. This is our safe haven and I pray that it can stay that way for you too.

Courtney said...

You are such an amazing woman Lea and an amazing friend to me. I appreciate your support as well.

Many hugs

margaret said...

I wish I could be as open with mine. Only my sister in law knows about it from the family. I've trusted some IRL friends, they don't comment though, I usually get emails saying, Loved your blog today, or I'm here if you need someone....I have a hard time with this, I don't know if I knew that some people were reading if I could be as open as I am...Loved your blog today...Hugs

Angela said...

I haven't told anyone about my blog, some of my friends and family know that I blog, but not where it is located or how to find it. It just feels safe to be able to talk about our babies and connect with other parents who have been through the same thing, because nobody in my real life understands.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I am thankful for you as well. I don't know what I would have done these past nine months without the touching stories and words of suffering mothers who understand how I feel. I feel very liberated and also violated knowing how many people IRL read my deepest thoughts as well. I am grateful you have opened yourself up on here and shared your precious Nicholas with us.

Kate said...

Lea you are such a beautiful person, and your son and your kindness has touched my heart. I 100% agree that losing a child is one of the most painful expereiences a couple could endure. I am so glad to know that you and your husband have fought through this pain together. This expereince weahters us all, and we grieve in our own unique ways, but as one. I am so thankful for you and so many of the other mothers who have gotten me through this storm. Thank you truly for opening your heart and soul to share the journey of your precious son Nicholas.

Jesse, James and Lindsey's mom said...

what a powerful, honest, and meaningful post! We have never met but we share a bond. My husband and I have endured as well..we grieve so differently but we are still here..we are united. God Bless

Anonymous said...

Much love to you and remembering Nicholas with you always. xo

Bluebird said...

Oh wow. My heart stopped when I started reading this post - I'd be so mortified if IRL people found my blog! (Although I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult for them to. . .) But you always handle things with such grace :) You sound like you're really okay with it, and I hope that's true. I hope you countine to write with the passion and honesty that I've come to love about you. You are a special woman indeed :)

Lesley said...

I too am afraid of IRL people finding my inner thoughts on my other blog- that is why I have 2! I will keep you in my prayers that you are able to continue to heal through this blogging process. "I held an Angel", and I know you did too.


Bree said...

Lea, you do such a wonderful job describing your feelings and have created such a wonderful place to honor Nicholas.
I asked a couple of my friends to view my blog because I found it easier to express myself there. I felt like there were things I wanted to say, but couldn't out loud. They don't comment though. Maybe they think they can't offer what another lost baby mom can.
I think it will be okay.

Post a Comment