Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I love him

My head is swimming. Swimming with so many thoughts, so much grief, so much pain.... I can't seem to make sense of it. I sit here trying to put into words, trying to articulate the feelings that are bubbling inside and feel a bit lost. But here it goes. It may be a bit messy.

This past weekend was a holiday here in Canada - Victoria Day - the "unofficial" kick off to summer. We headed up to our family cottage on Saturday and set to work (and play). There is always so much preparation to be done in the hopes to relax on the beautiful days of summer. The weather wasn't great (cold and very windy) but that didn't stop the boys from helping daddy and papa. I couldn't help but think of what could have been. If we lived in a perfect world I would have been introducing Nicholas to cottage life. To the place where his mommy and daddy met. The place we got married. The place we have enjoyed so many happy memories. Instead, we are thinking about burying his ashes on the property. I constantly struggle with why any parent should have to think about such a horrendous thing. Why babies die. And I know all too well that babies do die. Way more than is even comprehensible.

Our beautiful boy would be learning to sit up, he would be rolling over, he would be starting his rice cereal. All of these things are constant thoughts in my head, but they are most definitely brought to the forefront when my baby niece comes to visit. My niece was born just 4 1/2 weeks after we lost Nicholas. She was born 5 weeks early and we often say that Nicholas was her guardian angel that day because she D pulled through and is now a thriving, beautiful little girl.

I hate, hate, hate to admit that I cringe when I hear my parents get so excited when they know she is coming for a visit. It's like, "clear the deck, here comes the baby in the family." Another little piece of my heart is shattered when I realize that she is the only baby in the family. There were so many plans for Nicholas and D to grow up together. So many plans that are now only in the stars.

D was rolling over on the weekend. One of the major milestones. Everyone was laughing and cheering her on, except for me, I was busy crying and feeling sorry for myself and my sweet boy in the bathroom. He would be rolling over too. In fact, he would be showing her how it's done.

And then I think, no, actually, in all likelihood he would not have made any of those milestones. He most likely would not have lived through the birth experience because of the abnormality he was faced with - and this makes me even more sad - even more defensive - and even more crazy with pain.

The 'why's' are the absolute worst. They are my worst enemy, my worst nightmare come true.

A neighbour dropped the cottage on the weekend and we were all catching up on the latest gossip and news from the winter. "Sure was a long winter, it's nice to finally be back up here"..... Oh yes, the winter was long, agonizing, torture... Hell actually. This woman went on about how her SIL lost his family business and has been suffering from the affects of stress, blah, blah, blah. Now, I agree, that is a life-altering event in one's life, but I hardly relate it to birthing your dead son, holding him, loving him and saying goodbye to him all at once. Now, this woman is elderly, but she does know of our situation. I am so utterly amazed at how people handle the unimaginable... like not mentioning my baby will be much better for all involved... NOT. She actually asked me what I was doing for excitement these days.... WHAT? I answered politely, "we have enough "excitement" in our lives at the moment" and left it at that.

Am I super sensitive? Yes. Am I okay with that? Yes. Do I want people to acknowledge Nicholas as a person and as a part of our family? Yes. Do I love my baby Angel desperately? Yes, dammit!

Well, I think that will conclude my rant for today.... stay tuned.


Amy said...

I don't have much to say, my head is not in a good place yet again. But I do want to send you a (((((HUG))))))) and offer you love. I wish your Nicholas is there with you.

bir said...

I know what you mean about your nieces milestones. I know EXACTLY what you mean. Because my beautiful little niece was born a month before Ciaran. She is the only baby I've really been in contact with over the past eight months because I love my nieces and don't want to not be in her life. And sometimes I just forget and enjoy the moments, but other times I'm also the one in the bathroom, crying.
It's not fair. Not one little bit.

Paige said...

Oh Lea, so hard. I can't imagine having a baby in the family, or at least one I'd actually have to see. Scott's cousin had a baby boy the same morning as Cayden was born, and I can barely stand to think about it.

And the neighbor's question about excitement, really? So many people are such idiots, it's disappointing. I wish people would have some freaking perspective. Sending you much love tonight and thinking about sweet Nicholas. xo

Anna said...

Having baby in the family is so hard. It's impossible not to think of our angels and what they should be doing.


Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so sorry. I think so often about the things Gregory would be doing right now if he were here. It isn't fair that we don't get to experience raising our babies. I'm tired of crying in the bathroom while the rest of the world lives on as usual. It sucks and it makes the days unmanageable. I'm so sorry you don't get to bring Nicholas to enjoy your cottage. Hugs.

Kyles said...

It amazines me how everyday things we once cherished are now covered with complete sadness. It's not enough for us to lose our beautiful babies but we have to face the pain everyday in such confronting ways. Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished in losing Sophie becasue the pain just continues. When there should be laughter and happieness there is just pain.

I feel for your loss Lea just as I do mine and so many other babies. It's just not right or fair in anyway and I have NO IDEA what the answer is.

Thinking of you and Nicholas

margaret said...

Oh I can feel your heartbreak. I live it everyday watching my daughter Georgia achieving milestones like rolling over and starting solid foods. Her twin brother Calvin, my only son, was born with an extremely rare heart defect and he died following open heart surgery at six days old. I get alot of comments like, "At least you still have the one", or "It was God's will"...I hate that kind of stuff. And as for the elderly woman's lack of acknowledgement about Nicholas and what you've been through, in her day I'm sure babies died everyday. Nobody talked about it. It's the way it was unfortunately. As much as I want my family to acknowledge Calvin as well as Georgia, I get tired of being asked "Are you not over that yet?". No dummy, I will NEVER be over it. How does one get over the death of a child??? It's seems so surreal sometimes...Sending you a hug from BC. Margaret

Barbara said...

I wish our babies were all here where they should be.

I'm so sorry Lea.


Shanti Mama said...

"I hate, hate, hate to admit that I cringe when I hear my parents get so excited when they know she is coming for a visit. It's like, "clear the deck, here comes the baby in the family."

I have a new nephew that was 10 weeks older than Little One... I know all too well what you are going through. We were supposed to raise our baby boys together. It's difficult. All I can say is I know.

Hoping you find peace this weekend. Hugs to you.

Lindsay said...

I understand. I do. It hurts and it sucks.
Three other cousins were born in the same year as my Zoe. I didn't get invited to ANY of their first birthday parties. It really hurt and yet I find it hard to take up for myself.
I know your family feels incomplete. I'm so sorry you are having to watch your neice grow up around you.
Take care sweetheart. I'll be praying for you today and you are certainly in my thoughts.
Love Lindsay

Lynda said...

Your words rang too true. Big Johnnys best friend (they are like brothers) had a baby just three weeks before I had baby Johnny. I can't even visit their home. I've held this baby once and I was so overcome with jealousy, envy, sadness, and rage that I had to leave. I'm so sorry your precious Nicholas isnt with you. This all isnt fair :( *hugs*

Fireflyforever said...

Oh Lea. Every word rings true. Familiar places hurt because we're there without our babies. Other children hurt because they get to be what our babies aren't. It all just hurts. Empathetic hugs to you.

Carly said...

Oh Lea, it just sucks. I wish that our boys were here with us. I am so sorry that you are have to go through this. My niece was born about 11 mos. after Will. It is so tough. Please know that I'm thinking of you.

Dalene said...

I remember people asking me how my summer went, if I had a good summer last year. I would stare at them and think, "uh, sure, as summers after my baby died go, it was great".

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