Tuesday, May 26, 2009


So, it was probably over 2 months ago when I was faced with a barage of questions and comments about babies.

Yep, babies.

Newborns, to be exact.

A newborn who came into this world, beautiful and alive just 4 1/2 weeks after Nicholas was born.... sound asleep.

At first, the questions were standard. "How are so and so doing with the new baby?" I was more than happy to answer the question. I actually found it to be a thoughtful question... nice to show interest.

But it wasn't left at that.

"Oh, she must be beautiful..... your parents must be so proud.... she must look an awful lot like so and so." And on and on it went.

Then, the killer...

"I'm sure that it will get easier for you once all of these babies coming into the family start growing up".

Are you SERIOUS????????

I was shocked, astounded really, that something so insensitive (and so far from the truth) would come out of this person's mouth. And then I just hurt.... deep, deep, down, I hurt for my little boy.

Not only were we forced to deal with this situation... this lack of respect and understanding, but we were then told that this person's feelings were hurt over the fact that we were upset about what was said. We were expected to reach out and apologize.

My blood boils. Not for the questions and comments (that is something I can forgive) but for the simple fact that our world has been turned upside down and this person makes it all about them.

There has still not been an acknowledgment on this person's part. Not an "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive", or "after I said those things I realized that I shouldn't have".


Not a word.

Everything just goes on as usual.

And I don't want to talk to this person. I don't want to answer the phone.

First of all, I am angry and hurt by how this all unfolded. Second of all, I am terrified at what this person may say next (as they clearly don't feel like anything they said before was inappropriate).

Please know that I do not want anyone to be "careful" of what they say to us. I don't want everyone walking on eggshells. I know people talk about babies, pregnancy... new life and how wonderful and joyous it is. I know that, and I accept that.

But, come on. Some things are just better left unsaid. I certainly don't need it rubbed in my face.


Mirne said...

It's always about other people ... it's like we're supposed to just pretend everything is ok so that other people don't have to feel sad. Or take some responsibility for what they say or do. That would be expecting too much ... after all, our grief should be private and shouldn't affect other people, should it?
I don't talk to some people at all any more. They didn't get it back then, and they don't get it now.
I'll be buggered if I'm going to apologise because they feel bad because they are insensitive.

Courtney said...

I hear you on this. Lately it just seems as if the hurtful things are being said more often with the more time that passes by. When it first happened people were sincere and respectful, now people just think we should be over it and don't watch what they say.

I am so sorry that this person said this to you. I was be hurt by it as well.


still life angie said...

That is horrifying. What are people thinking? No really, I want to know. In what universe is that an okay comment? I think I read somewhere after Lucy died that you shouldn't say anything to a babyloss parent that you wouldn't say to someone about another kind of loss. Like you wouldn't say to someone who lost their mother--"I'm sure it'll be easier when you see other people's moms getting older."

And then on top of it to expect an apology. Let me just be outraged with you, because this is what makes me want to move to an island with only other babyloss parents and isolate myself from the rest of society. Sending you much love and calmness, beautiful Lea. This is not a reflection on you. You are a wonderful person who doesn't deserve this crap.

margaret said...

People really don't get it. I too get the insensitive rude comments..."At least you still have one", "Aren't you over that yet?", and my personal favorite..."It was God's will, honey, you just have to accept it and move on..." The hell I will. Calvin is as much a part of our family as any other member. He only spent six short days here on earth but he will be remembered and loved as long as his father and I live. Asking someone to "forget" and "move on" is like refusing to acknowledge their lives, their places in our families and hearts. Some people are incredibly rude and boorish. I would have told her to forget an apology unti I got one for her insensitive remark. You don't owe her a damn thing. You're the one who's hurting here, not her...Hugging you

Amy said...

I'm sorry - that really is insensitive and to think YOU are the one that should appologize????? Ugh. I don't get it. No, no..... THEY don't get it.

Some people do not understand at all and continue to make our pain about them. Ridiculous. My oldest friend pulled something like that after Liam died and our friendship is pretty much over. It is not about her, but she can't understand that. These things suck. Big time. We are hurt and they want an applogy.

Sending ((((((HUGS))))))) and love.

Mrs. A said...

I wish people realized the things that they say can and do hurt people! It just seems to happen so much!

Anonymous said...

Goddamn people and their insensitivity. I've always said this would be a lot easier to bear if it weren't for the "helpful" comments from other people. They cut to the core sometimes. Big hugs and much love, Lea.

caitsmom said...

UGH. I'm so sorry you had to endure that. I don't get why people are so insensitive. Peace.

Lynda said...

I agree with Mirne. Its not about how WE feel its about how we make OTHERS feel. Its RIDICULOUS! Everyone has an opinion on the subject, everyone else seems to know whats best, everyone knows more than we do. How? How is it that all of a sudden when someone loses a child, the people around them suddenly become medical doctors, counselors, therapists, and experts on the subject of grief? I'm so so so sorry the people around you are acting as though YOU did something wrong!! You did nothing wrong my friend!! *hugs* to you!

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Oh my goodness. I can't believe that. You are supposed to APOLOGIZE for her being upset???? No way. How could she think it would be easier for you to watch all the other children grow up as you do not get to watch Nicholas do? I can't stand when people who have NOT been through the devastation of a dead baby think they know what they are talking about or have a right to make a comment like that. My blood is boiling right along with you. I hope you don't have to speak with this person any time soon and that she will think twice before she opens her mouth again. grr.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Yuck. I agree that the part that gets me the most is they think they have been harmed. This is totally different in importance, but I remember a high school who would tell EVERYBODY whenever I was upset with her for something she did. She ALWAYS left out the part where she did something to cause my upset feelings. Thus, she came out sounding like a victim. It infuriated me.

I'm guessing this person in your life is a family member, perhaps an in-law? If only it were easy to leave family much like you'd leave any other person exhibiting such horrible behavior.

Please know that we who've lived through baby loss completely understand. I support you. And, I wish I knew how to solve this for you. I'll be praying for some peace. :)

Fireflyforever said...

YUCK. Some people really should approach us with their mouths taped shut.

Hope's Mama said...

I agree with everything everyone else has said. People amaze me in all the wrong ways these days. I have had countless episodes like this. I give up. Truly.

alliecat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
alliecat said...

Some people really do have NFI. It's bad enough what she said. But then to be 'hurt' because you were upset? Bloody hell, I've heard it all now! What are you supposed to apologise for exactly? Feeling the way that you do?

Hopefully you'll have little reason to see this person again. And expecting you to apologise to them, it's ridiculous.

I am sorry you've had to encounter this, I think anyone of us who've lost babies could recount stories like this, I know I can. Sharing them will hopefully educate others on how to be a bit more sensitive.

Remind me next time someone loses a spouse to say "at least you can find another one". Of course I wouldn't, but that is the equivalent of saying to me "at least you can have another baby" etc. If people applied their comments to other scenarios they'd realise how belittling they sound. (sorry for long comment!) xox

(sorry edited for appalling typing!)

bir said...

Sending you hugs... xxx

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that was said to you. I too can not believe some of the things people say. Why is it always us that have to be the understanding ones? why can't people just use their brains for a change?? I hate how it is always about them!!

HUGS to you!!!

Shanti Mama said...

Join me in angryland these day. Grrr..

Heather said...

Ugh. I wish people wouldn't ever speak again. That would make me feel better. I just don't understand why people feel compelled to say the dumbest things. Fine. Ask your stupid questions, show your interest...but leave me and my dead baby out of it!

Paige said...

Yep. You and everyone else said it perfectly. I got asked my first "How's the baby?" last week. It wasn't intended to be mean but it hurt. I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish I could seal the lips of those who are just so stupid. xo

Carly said...

Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry that you have to deal with this. I would not want to see or talk to this person either. I think if they can't see how wrong they were, then maybe they aren't the type of person you need around you.

Kyles said...

This is one thing I struggle with often Lea. I wish people understood but they don't and the more they speak the worse it gets. Sometimes they should just not speak at all. It comes down to the insensitivity of people and their inability to be empathetic. When we lost Sophie we told everyone not to be afraid and to continue to talk about their families and kids and babies… we didn’t want her death to define us. But it continues to shape us by these people who it is apparently all about! Sometimes they should just stay silent instead of filling blank space with pain!

I hear you Lea…very much.

Rosalin said...

UGH! I am so sorry that someone said such an awful thing to you. We've all had our share of insensitive comments, but to expect an apology for being upset with it?!?! I would (and have) let them know just how upset I was! "Yes I apologize for having lost my child and in doing so upsetting you when I get angry with your rediculous comments!! In what way can I make this easier on you?" People really need to take a step back and think what it would feel like to walk in another's shoes.

Brooke said...

I am so sorry you have had to endure such intense and insensitive comments...and of course they aren't meant to hurt but some people just don't get it....and I don't think you need to apologize. You are doing everything you can to just get through the day and continue to heal. I can't imagine having to be around other babies at this early time after losing Nicholas....I know it is just the way it is....but don't beat yourself up for it being extremely difficult or for comparing milestones. You love and miss him so much and it is only natural to be sensitive to others' comments and protective of the beautiful life he is.
I am about to finally talk with a friend that I have not in over a year since Viviana's death...and I struggle with how much to be angry and how much I have to let go with her just not knowing how to handle it at the time....but I am not apologizing and I have no regrets. I fully believe I did the best I could and did not have the strength to make her comfortable during my grief.
Sending you love and strength to endure these difficult days and these crappy comments. Some days it is just too much...

Celia said...

I read your post the other day and I was shocked....It blows my mind, not that someone would say something like that because they probably didn't intend for it to be hurtful, but that the expected the apology to come from you rather than them. I didn't realize there was a timetable to our grief and that at some point (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, a year) that we were supposed to "get over it". This is not something I will ever get over, losing my Noah. It doesn't matter that I knew about it beforehand. And it shouldn't. I think you are completly within your rights to feel the way you do.

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