I did it

So.....I did it. I met my niece. This has been something I've been both dreading and looking forward to for 4 months. In the end, it was the right thing to do.

My sister-in-law and I were pregnant together. She was due 5 weeks after I was due with Nicholas, so we were very excited about our babies being so close in age and growing up together. She ended up going into labour 4 weeks early and had the baby just 4 weeks after we lost Nicholas.

I remember feeling like my feet were slowly coming back to earth.... until we got the call from the hospital that my brother and sister-in-law had their baby. Wow! Talk about a set back... I was a disaster for the next few days. Here I thought I had 4-5 more weeks to get used to the idea of another infant in our family (not that it would have been easier... I just wasn't ready).

Anyway, for the longest time, I couldn't bring myself to say her name let alone see her and hold her. I did send gifts and spoke with my brother and sister-in-law on the phone and they were so understanding about it all.

This weekend I just did it. I wasn't sure if I would be able to hold her or how I was going to be in general. I took my other boys (as a buffer). That was actually difficult as well. Here they are holding a baby (a baby that should be their brother)... and it's like they knew. Once they were finished holding her ... "mommy, it's your turn!" I thought, now is as good a time as any. I took her in my arms and she was sleeping. I really wish she was awake the first time I held her because all I could think about is how Nicholas just looked like he was sleeping.... it was so, so hard, but I'm really glad that I did it. I wanted to meet her. I want to have a special, POSITIVE, connection with her and I think that we may be on the right path.