Friday, April 24, 2009

Under The Tree - April

Once again, thank you to Carly at Love Reign Over Me for getting this discussion started.
Love to you, Carly.

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It's been almost 6 months since we lost Nicholas. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times I feel like I am, once again, in the hospital bed holding my Angel.
Most days I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back... I keep telling myself that's better than taking no steps at all.

The grief for my baby boy is sometimes overwhelming. It sneaks up at the unexpected times and rips me apart all over again. I suspect that will always be the case. He is a part me, a part of our family. I miss him every single day.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

My heart hurts when I see pregnant women - more when I see newborns right now. I think most of the emotions are sadness, but sometimes jealousy... envy.
I find myself being very cynical about the whole pregnancy thing now. Just because you are pregnant doesn't guarantee you a healthy, happy baby. I hate that I feel that way... but it's our reality.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

I have been to a few "group" meetings which I have found to be helpful... although very draining as well. I find that the day after a meeting I tend to have a "Nicholas Day".... which isn't bad, just very tiring.

This blog, my tribute to our sweet baby boy has given me much strength. There is a sense of calm that comes over me when I write and although "reliving" our experience is tough, I find it healing, empowering to do so. I am so grateful for all of the wonderful ladies who have become supporters, friends in this cyberland. I hope to help others heal in the process as well.


Anonymous said...

Grief has a way of sneaking up on us all I think. Nicholas was beautiful. Thank you for sharing about him.

I saw his print on the post below this. It's breathtaking. I might get one for my kids and my angel

Carly said...


It is so tough. Thinking of you, ...

Sending hugs.

With Love,

caitsmom said...

Ah, this grief work is so tiring. I know that "knowing" that being pregnant doesn't guarantee a healthy and living baby. It's an awful knowledge. (((hugs)))

R said...

I'm trying to break through some of the cynical feelings too- there are moments I want my innocence back but I wouldn't trade the grief & knowledge for never having Levi at all. Nicolas is beautiful, thank you for sharing with us.

Paige said...

Lea, thank you for saying hello. Nicholas is a stunning baby, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with what you've said above about taking steps, however many forward and then back again seems better than standing still. I wish we hadn't met this way, but am so grateful for this community. Much love to you.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Your sweet Nicholas is so beautiful...I love his red hair! I'm so sorry for the sorrow...for the ache of missing your boy. Praying God's comfort for you...

In His Grace,
Kelly Gerken
Sufficient Grace Ministries

Anonymous said...

Ah, Lea - just sending you lots of hugs. Much love to you.

Lindsay said...

Our abswers were very similar. I suppose the length of time that has passed has little to do with the way we feel day to day.
I really feel a bit of envy around pregnant women and seeing babies that look a little over a year.
I'm sorry we are on this road, but glad that we've 'met'.
I think you're an awesome soul and I appreciate this post.
Much love to you

Sara said...

Grief does sneak up, doesn't it. I always try to prepare for the things I think will be hard and always get blindsided by something else.

Thinking of you and Nicholas tonight.

Mrs. A said...

Lea - I completely agree with what you said about grief, it just sneaks up on all of us! Sending you lots of hugs!

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