Happy Easter!

Hey Buddy....


Just a note to say you are missed... you are loved... you are honoured... and you are remembered always.

Holidays and special occasions, especially those ones geared towards the children, always stand out as the tougher moments in this grief journey. I can only imagine you bounding around searching for Easter Eggs... covering your perfect little face in chocolate. Oh... the what if's are a nightmare.

Love you so much,
Mommy

New Spring

Feeling like Spring is just around the corner. I remember that first Spring after we lost Nicholas. Feeling like the world was playing cruel, nasty tricks on me. How could there be new life in the trees, in the gardens, in the baby birds when our precious boys life was cut so short.

So many contradictions... snow still on the ground, but the sound of geese flying over head. Ice on the roads, but the strong heat of the sun beating down.... The world continues to spin. The earth continues to bloom. Life marches on and I am so afraid of floating further and further away from my baby boy.

Looking back at a post from this time last year... interesting. So much changes, but so much stays the same.


From April 4, 2011


Coming off a fabulous weekend. The weather was actually "spring like" and I could feel the difference in the sun's heat. The kids had a blast. Road hockey, bike riding, chalking, tag, parties and tons of laughter. My heart needed that. The winter has been really long.

Then there's today. A guilty day. A day where I feel like it was horribly wrong to enjoy myself so much. Why should I deserve to enjoy myself? I have sinned. I "let" my baby die. I couldn't keep him safe. I let him down.

I realize these are 'irrational' thoughts. I realize that if there was anything at all I could have down to save Nicholas, I would have done it a million times over.... but there is always that nagging feeling of accountability. The feeling that it doesn't matter if there wasn't anything I could have done differently... I am his mother. He put his trust and faith in me.... and I let him down. My beautiful, red-headed, soft-smelling, precious, baby boy.

I write these words in honesty. In pure, raw and candid emotion. I share in hopes others can relate and realize that it's natural to feel this way, even if the feelings aren't truly warranted.

You can't dictate what your heart feels. It speaks the truth... sometimes it's a truth that is not understood or even accepted by some. But to those who "feel" it... those who live with heavy burdens in their heart everyday, they are real. They are true.

Sometimes I find myself succumbing to the guilt. Sometimes I feel like I must, in order to honour Nicholas. Ridiculous, I know, yet incredibly genuine.

I look forward to enjoying many more beautiful, warm, sunny days ahead. I may hold onto some of the guilt, some of the wishes, dreams of watching Nicholas toddle along the sidewalk.... but I will also soak up that sun and and thank him for the hand he has in sending it to us.

Love you, baby.

Mommy xx

Miss you like crazy

Hey Buddy,

Feeling particularly run down today. Heavy thoughts. Aching heart. Wondering why... and wondering if this journey of missing you ever gets any easier. Of course, I know it does. It has. But today hurts. For no reason in particular except for being your mommy. I'm feeling tired... like this burden has taken a real, big toll on my body and soul.

This too, shall pass.

I will blow out your candle tonight, whisper goodnight as I trace the outline of your perfect, little face.... and I will be reminded of your beauty... of your fight... of your innocence.

I will devour a million and one kisses from your sassy, baby sister and my heart will smile.

I will look proudly at your oldest brother as I realize what a strong and responsible young man he is becoming.

I will squeeze your middle brother's hand and sing "You Are My Sunshine" as he gently falls asleep...

I will stay a little longer in your daddy's hug tonight as we remember your awesomeness together.

Each of these things will re-engergize my strength. Each of these things will begin to mend my tired heart....

But, just for right now, I am missing you like crazy.

All my love,
Mommy

Remembering

Remembering my graceful, beautiful and lovely, Gramma Moo today and always.

Choosing Somewhere

As I said before, I have been thinking about entering a local writing competition. The following is what I have come up with and wanted your opinions! It is from a post back in April 2009 - 5 months after losing Nicholas. I have rearranged it slightly... added and tweaked.

What do you think?

Choosing Somewhere

There have been many things in my life that I have been fearful of. When I was young and in grade school, I was extremely self-conscious. I would physically get sick if I was requested to answer a question in front of the entire class. I would convince myself that I was going to mess up, or worse, get the answer entirely wrong. As I matured and experienced more and more impressionable life lessons I became more confident. I came a long, long way from being the insecure, afraid little girl I was. And then my son died.

Back then, challenging my fear was not something I wanted to do, but if I wanted to do well in school, I had to conquer that fear. At the time I didn't realize the subtle things I was learning by pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone. I didn't know that my confidence would grow, propelling me to take risks in other areas of my life. The lesson I learned was that in order to get “somewhere you had to leave nowhere behind”.

After Nicholas died I found myself living in 'nowhere' land. That was fine with me. My comfort zone had been shattered, my world had stopped. We were forced to take this unwanted journey through grief. Initially, the pain could be so intense and so powerful it threatened to dissolve the soul.
Nowhere land was just fine for a while. I wanted to stay there for a long time. Nowhere became very comfortable...and somewhere was not a place I wanted to go.

There are still days I find myself not wanting to go somewhere… still days when the heaviness in my heart outweighs the joys. The comfort of nowhere is enticing at times. It’s familiar. It’s safe. But it’s not where I want to be. Somewhere along the way I made the decision to challenge myself – confidently answering a question in front of the class – so to speak. I chose to go somewhere and it’s taken me to places I never could have imagined.

Early in our journey I remember thinking that anywhere is better than nowhere. I was so tired of feeling sad and helpless all of the time. It was after recognizing that anywhere is better than nowhere that I felt some healing begin. There were many days when I was terrified of where somewhere would take me. The unknown is distressing. The waiting, close to unbearable.

Grief is dreadful stuff. Grief has pounded me, tortured me, exhausted me and collapsed my very soul. It never ceases to amaze me the strength and tenacity of the Human Spirit. After experiencing the unimaginable I somehow manage to keep breathing, somehow I manage to exist, somehow I have managed to grow from such devastation.

I was terrified that choosing to go ‘somewhere’ meant leaving Nicholas behind - now I know that is the furthest from the truth. He has travelled with me to 'somewhere'. He has allowed me to get there. He has helped me get back up when I’ve stumbled along the way. I chose to acknowledge my pain, confront it and slowly the pain lessened. The past three years have been intense, unpredictable and full of unimaginable grief, but they have also been filled with hope, inspiration and an incredible amount of healing. Nicholas has enriched our family with an energy and infinite love that is beyond comprehension.

There is an indomitable strength and spirit that now resides in my heart. A desire to comfort and support others that have been forced to travel this journey of forever grieving their babies; one where I have walked and wept. It is the intrinsic need to express my immeasurable love for my youngest son in a positive and tangible way. To keep his memory alive. To help his legacy soar. This desire is deep in my bones. It pumps through my soul and it bleeds through the work I create in honour of Nicholas. Offering my love and true understanding to others empowers me and has allowed me to reach an incredible strength within. A strength that can hopefully make a difference in someone else’s time of need.

Choosing to go “somewhere and to leave nowhere behind" is a constant struggle. Grief, hope, sadness, love… will always co-mingle in my heart. But I will continue to fight. I will continue to reach out to others. I will continue to honour my son with all that I am.

Angel Wing Requests - Can't Keep Up

I have had to make a very difficult decision. Financially I am unable to keep up with Angel Wing requests. To date I have created and posted over 600 pairs of Angel Wings. As you can imagine, the materials and the postage add up quickly. It saddens me to realize that I am unable to continue to offer this incredible comfort to grieving parents as a gift.

I have been humbled by several generous donations in the past, however, they are minimal and I seem to exhaust the contributions on a wing by wing basis.

My thought is to continue to offer these special Angel Wings at a small cost.

As my loyal followers, I would love some feedback.

All my love,
Lea

Help!

Hi Everyone!

I hope that everyone has enjoyed a peaceful and gentle holiday. We are back into the swing of things tomorrow.... as the kids get back to school and we get some routine back to our lives!

I am thinking about entering a local writing competition and need your help! The topic is "Life Lessons". I wonder if any of you have a favourite post of mine that you think I could share??

I can't believe how difficult it is to begin writing when you know it's for a competition... usually I can write and write, but I am having a serious case of writer's block (not to mention a lot of self criticism).

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!