Tuesday, March 6, 2012

New Spring

Feeling like Spring is just around the corner. I remember that first Spring after we lost Nicholas. Feeling like the world was playing cruel, nasty tricks on me. How could there be new life in the trees, in the gardens, in the baby birds when our precious boys life was cut so short.

So many contradictions... snow still on the ground, but the sound of geese flying over head. Ice on the roads, but the strong heat of the sun beating down.... The world continues to spin. The earth continues to bloom. Life marches on and I am so afraid of floating further and further away from my baby boy.

Looking back at a post from this time last year... interesting. So much changes, but so much stays the same.

From April 4, 2011

Coming off a fabulous weekend. The weather was actually "spring like" and I could feel the difference in the sun's heat. The kids had a blast. Road hockey, bike riding, chalking, tag, parties and tons of laughter. My heart needed that. The winter has been really long.

Then there's today. A guilty day. A day where I feel like it was horribly wrong to enjoy myself so much. Why should I deserve to enjoy myself? I have sinned. I "let" my baby die. I couldn't keep him safe. I let him down.

I realize these are 'irrational' thoughts. I realize that if there was anything at all I could have down to save Nicholas, I would have done it a million times over.... but there is always that nagging feeling of accountability. The feeling that it doesn't matter if there wasn't anything I could have done differently... I am his mother. He put his trust and faith in me.... and I let him down. My beautiful, red-headed, soft-smelling, precious, baby boy.

I write these words in honesty. In pure, raw and candid emotion. I share in hopes others can relate and realize that it's natural to feel this way, even if the feelings aren't truly warranted.

You can't dictate what your heart feels. It speaks the truth... sometimes it's a truth that is not understood or even accepted by some. But to those who "feel" it... those who live with heavy burdens in their heart everyday, they are real. They are true.

Sometimes I find myself succumbing to the guilt. Sometimes I feel like I must, in order to honour Nicholas. Ridiculous, I know, yet incredibly genuine.

I look forward to enjoying many more beautiful, warm, sunny days ahead. I may hold onto some of the guilt, some of the wishes, dreams of watching Nicholas toddle along the sidewalk.... but I will also soak up that sun and and thank him for the hand he has in sending it to us.

Love you, baby.

Mommy xx


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