Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Beaten, But Not Beat

I've been meaning to post for a while now. There are so many words, feelings, non-feelings, flying around in my head it's difficult to get it together enough to write anything worth while.

I just wanted to let you all know that I am okay... I think.

Since our latest loss I have been moving on auto pilot. Sheltered by shock. Consumed with grief. Busy beyond words....

I am thankful for "busy". Busy planning birthday parties. Busy planning Christmas. Busy enjoying the kids excitement. Busy trying to convince myself that I am 'okay' when my heart is constantly telling me that I am simply not 'okay'.

Since losing our "Blossom" I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of Nicholas. Not that I don't think of him often. I think of him all the time. I think of him when I look into our oldest son's eyes... they would be so alike. I often think of him and smile.. with peace and a subtle understanding that only he and I share.

This is different. Since our latest loss, I feel like the raw pain has returned to some degree. The ache of desperately wanting to feel the weight of his tiny, little body in my arms again has surfaced and the tears of grief fill my eyes.

When I returned home from the hospital two weeks ago. After the D&C, I was pretty high on morphine. That night was terrible. I fell asleep in my husband's arms and woke up terrified every half hour.... sweating... screaming. The only thing that came out of my mouth was "they took our baby"... "they took our baby"... Although very different, the feelings were similar. Although there was nothing to hold.. there are memories. There will always be memories. Plans. Love.

We've been beat down... again, but we won't be beaten.

We've been shaken to the core... again, but we will steady ourselves.

Our strength is being tested... again, but we will be strong.

Love and peace to you all and thank you to all who have shown interest in continuing on our journey.

Lea xx


Jen said...

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this pain again. You're an unbelievably strong woman and I know that you will never be beaten ((hugs))

Debbie said...

I am so sorry, Lea. I hope the holidays are as gentle as they can be.

Thinking of you. <3

Brianna said...

I'm sorry to hear that the rawness has returned. When we lost Tittle, the pain and rawness returned from the loss of our twins, too. May the busyness of the season help get you through the holidays.

Crystal Theresa said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and how this recent loss is doubly painful because it makes losing Nicholas more raw. I'm glad "busy" is helping you. I hope you are able to find peace in the coming weeks. ((hugs))

margaret said...

Although the pain of miscarriage is a different pain then holding your dead child in your arms, the pain is real and very tangible. Miscarriage in alot of ways robs you of closure, no body to hold, no gender to mourn, nothing. I know you ache and you grieve Lea. You have experienced another loss of a child, of the possibility of all that child could have been. Your feelings are real and you will mourn. I'm so sorry that the loss of Blossom has reawakened the pain of losing Nicholas...Please know I am holding you in love and that if you ever need someone who understands the pain of both types of losses, I am here for you as always. Love you xo

dotalot said...

i can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, please know you are in my thoughts and i truly hope you are able to find some peace soon. i can all be so much harder too at this time of the year, sending love, anne xxx

Carly said...

Lea, you are in my heart and my prayers. These feelings that you are having are real and it is so tough to understand and experience. I am here for you. Sending you lots of love.

caitsmom said...

((((((hugs)))))) And I'm so sorry. I've got nothing else. I'm just so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

Sending you a ton of prayers and hugs.

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