Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Next Step

So, I am going to take that next step. I'm going to talk to someone about Nicholas, about what losing him has done to me (the good, the bad and the ugly), about how to tame these demons that seem to battle with my emotions every day.

The guilt.

The guilt is the worst. I know I have said it a hundred times before, but that's what can eat you up. Tear you apart. Make you doubt yourself.

Doubt yourself as a woman. As a daughter. As a friend. As a wife...

And as a mother.

Now add the guilt of still feeling out of sorts sometimes while holding a precious, God sent gift in your arms.

Still missing your baby boy so much that it physically hurts while singing sweet lullaby's to your newborn, living child.

Feeling the most intense kind of grateful that your newest child made it to this world safely while realizing she wouldn't be here if Nicholas was....

Boy, does that sting. To accept the fact that Madison would most likely not be a part of our family had Nicholas survived. That Nicholas had to die in order for his sister to be here... And the guilt marches on.

And then there's the fact that I should be eternally grateful and blessed to have the wonderful, healthy family that I do. And I do. I am. Every single moment. Now, more than ever. But the demons still rear their ugly heads. The fact remains that one precious member of our family is not with us. One of our children died... I was able to bring Maddie home, but couldn't save Nicholas.

I even felt bad today while getting my hair cut and highlighted. Why should I have that luxury when my baby boy sits in an urn on our mantel? It literally makes me sick. I don't feel like I deserve to be pampered. To feel good. Irrational, I know... but the truth all the same.

Nicholas, I pray every day that you know how incredibly sorry Mommy is. That you were wanted just as much as your brothers and sister.

That we love you so much.

Will let you all know how my session goes.... I have to do something. My kids deserve it.

Does this just not melt your heart? Magic.

Am I crazy or is there a tinge of red in her hair??


Bluebird said...

He knows. I'm certain of it.

I'm proud of you for taking this step.

Many, many ((hugs))

Jus and Kat said...

"Still missing your baby boy so much that it physically hurts while singing sweet lullaby's to your newborn, living child."

This statement hit so close to home. And, for me, it was a specific song too: "You Are My Sunshine". We sang this song to Dylan when we were in the hospital with him. And when I [attempt to] sing it to Faith, I break down in tears . . . in my [irrational] mind, I'm thinking, "Wait minute, I can't sing you that song, that's Dylan's song."

So I really know and feel alot of what you're saying here.

Kat @ In Dylan's Memory

P.S. I see the red in her hair too, adorable!

TracyOC said...

First off, Maddie is precious and I see red in that hair.

I think Nicholas knows too. Best of luck with the next step in your journey.

margaret said...

Good for you Lea. We sought therapy two months after losing Calvin because our lives were beginning to unravel. It helped and at the time it was exactly what I needed.

As far as Maddie goes, don't torture yourself with such thoughts. She is part of your family now, alongside Nicholas, not in spite of him. Whether she would be here if he had lived is not for you to say, who knows, maybe she would be here anyways. I believe our children choose us, are destined to be with us and that Maddie would have found her way into your family no matter what. She chose you to be her mother, rejoice in that! Don't feel guilty because you have your rainbow, it doesn't take away ANY of your love for Nicholas. I imagine him perched on your shoulder making faces at her as you change her diaper. And yes, she's definitely got some red in there. Hugging you

Hope's Mama said...

I can relate to this so much, Lea.
So much love to you and kisses to sweet baby Maddie. She is one pretty little lady.

Monica said...

Every night when I sing to my little boy we also sing a song for Gracie up in heaven and it always reminds me of how much we still love her and carry her in our hearts, it is always the most peaceful spot in my day. I get the emotional rollercoaster and the untruths that I realize after I have kept it in my mind for way to long and then out loud I call it out, away from me you untruth and it finally leaves until it creeps back again and I cycle thru this over again. I think the truth will stay forever one of these days.

Jennifer said...

I agree with everything you spoke about here. I feel it every day too. It is something that most people can't even begin to understand, I'm thankful that I'm not alone, but sad that you are right here with me. Thanks for your heartfelt post.


Marissa said...

Definitely red in her hair - and as far as the guilt - we must have been on the same page today - driving home from work I felt the same way...and I also got my hair done today! Your feelings are normal and if it makes you feel any better everything you are feeling has gone through and still goes through my head each day. I do ask myself when will I let go of the guilt - it was my job to protect him and take know when things weren't right and I missed it....but you do have to tell yourself if you knew you would have stopped it from happening - nothing we did was intentional. I also "talked" to someone and it did help - there are techniquest to help you "spread" some of the negative vibes - sounds weird but just be open to what ever because I don't think there is an answer - it may get less intense but it will ALWAYS be there.

Kelli said...

Your post just breaks my heart. Makes sense in every way. And I wish you the best. You are a wonderful mommy to ALL of your children. And a wonderful friend...look at all the angel wings you've done from the kindness of your sweet heart! Good luck! And I love the pics of Maddie...she's so sweet!

Caroline said...

Maddie is so beautiful. I'm glad your going to talk to someone. It is hard to handle. In my post yesterday I'm having a tough time myself now that we had Carly. Watching her grow and do things the past couple wks bothers me. I have always wondered what things would be like w/ everyone but now more so. Grief is a tough road , thinking of you so much. Saying a special prayer. {{HUGS}}

Melissa said...

I hope you find some peace with the therapy, I have been going back and forth about going myself - it is hard to take the money away from other things but I like what you said at the end, that your kids deserve it.

Jack's Mummy said...

Good luck, hope it all goes well. And yes there is most definately some red in there, so cute! x0x0

Courtney said...

Oh sweet Lea this brought tears to my eyes. I know Nicholas is looking out for ALL of you. I wish he was here with you though.

Ms. Maddie is beautiful! I do see the red in her hair.


lost--for--words said...

I am glad to hear that you are taking this step and speaking to somebody who can hopefully help you sort this all out... I've been comtemplating doing the same recently. I'm still trying to get the courage to make those phone calls, but I know that it is something I have to do, too. As I'm nearing the end of this pregnancy, issues are coming unravelled, and I have alot of things to still work through... I just don't feel I'm doing a good job of grieving on my own anymore. (((hugs))) Hoping for peace, for both of us.

Lesley said...

Lea, it is a huge step. We are here for you. I hope you are able to find someone who is a good match for you (I had an awful therapist the first go round, tried to empathize with me by telling me about her dead cat- needless to say, I found another therapist!). Be an advocate for yourself- don't be afraid to speak up and tell your counselor what you need from them. Keeping you in my prayers!!!

Catherine W said...

I hope it helps Lea. I wish I could take your guilt away. You love Nicholas and you love Madison. Just the same. You love them both and you wanted them both. I'm sure they both know that.
Your little girl is so sweet, I simply love the expression on her face in the second photograph. There is definitely a reddish tint to her hair. x

Jesse, James and Lindsey's mom said...

Your post is so touching and true for me as well. I would look at my daughter LIndsey after we brought her home from China and cant help sometimes but know that she is in our family and would not have been had our daughter not led us to adoption before her death. Your daughter is simply breathtaking!!! We just surpassed Chelsea's 4yr angel day anniversary on January 6th, we were in CHina adopting our new son. We were at the US Consulate taking our "oath" on January 6th and I felt a sense of peace. Chelsea was there....Nicholas is there..he knows...he is your families angel....God Bless

Anonymous said...

I am glad you are going to be seeing someone. I saw someone after I had Shealyn. It's helped some...but the person wasnt right for me. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

He knows how much you love him!! I believe our babies are with us always, but I am so sorry for the guilt you are feeling. It eats away at us and sometimes its not easy to make it go away. *hugs*

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