Monday, October 19, 2009

The Next Few Weeks

These last few weeks have really taken a toll. I imagine that the next few weeks are going to be even harder, no matter how hard I try to stay "positive".

This time last year...

This time last year was when our world, our lives, our beliefs, our very being would change forever.

On Thursday, October 23, 2008 I was scheduled for, what felt like my 50th ultrasound, to check on our babies brain development. We had been told 6 weeks earlier that the ventricles in his head looked a little enlarged, but that it should work itself out. "Don't lose any sleep over this", my doctor assured me.

Turns out I would be losing a lot more than sleep. At that ultrasound it was confirmed that there was something majorly wrong with our baby's brain... and we were scheduled early the next week for tests at a specialized hospital in Toronto.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008 would prove to be the day our hearts were irreversibly shattered to pieces.

I am feeling anxious, tired, sad... unbelievably sad. It's impossible not to think of the events leading to the worst days of your life. To remember your son and not wish like hell he was celebrating his first birthday in a couple of weeks.

The unstoppable tears are falling again. The exhaustion of carrying this grief around has set in again. The motherly ache to hold her child and protect him has, again, reared it's head in full force.

Of course, none of this is possible. All I have now is my fierce protection of Nicholas' memory. To integrate him, to include him in our family as often as I can. To light his candle to let him know I am thinking of him... constantly. To talk about him, to love him as strongly as I can without holding him in my arms.

So, the next few weeks.... well, I am ready for a million emotions, for a million tears, and hopefully, a couple of smiles in between.

Nicholas, you are true treasure to our hearts. You are a true blessing to our family. We all love you so very much.

Help Mama get through this... I miss you so much.


Kristy said...

I'm so sad that this year mark has almost arrived. It truly is a very hard thing to go through and accept. Its like everything comes floding back. When we celebrated E's first birthday and angelversary in September it was in the midst of other huge milestones for L...which made it all that much harder. We decided to celebrate his birthday, though not the same had he been here with us, but still celebrate. We went to visit him and brought him birthday balloons and a few things to celebrate his 1st birthday. We did a balloon release (me, my husband and are 2 living children each let one go), we went out for a birthday dinner and had cake for him later on. We put candles in it and sang. He deserved to have a special day in honour of a very special little boy. You will find the right thing to do for Nicholas, the right thing for your family. Don't focus too much on the details, just do what feels right. I'm sad that this time has come, i'm sad that you aren't celebrating Nicholas' first birthday like you should. Many *hugs* to you in the coming days and weeks.

Jen said...

I am sorry..I'll be remembering you in my prayers this upcoming week.. I know its so hard..Hugs..

Jill said...

Those dates must be tough. Let the tears come. Cry for Nicholas and let your emotions out. Just don't forget to smile in between. I am thinking about you and Nicholas.


Catherine W said...

Thinking of you and your family at these difficult dates approach. Remembering your beautiful Nicholas. xo

Courtney said...

Oh dear friend, I will be thinking of you as I always do during these upcoming milestones. I wish sweet Nicholas was here with you. *hugs*

Karen said...

I feel for you as you remember all these "this time last year" milestones. It's so hard. Nicholas is a lovely blessing and I only wish he was still with you here on earth. (((Hugs)))

Unknown said...

You never forget a day like that. (((hugs))) I know the days will be hard and I am thinking of you.

April said...

I feel your pain, and we are thinking of you during this difficult time

margaret said...

I am thinking of you so much these days Lea. Our babies angel days are so close together and I know I am feeling the pain of last year too. Keeping you in my thoughts and praying our boys help us through this in any way they can. Hugs

Anonymous said...

We are here for you.
I am so, so sorry that you have to endure this pain. Lean on us whenever you can, tell us everything you need to get out, scream through the internet at us.
We love you!

Franchesca said...

Thinking about you and your precious Nicholas!


Carly said...


I will be thinking of you and praying for you so much over the next few weeks leading up to Nicholas' birthday. I know how emotional and tough it is. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Nicholas is on my mind and in my heart.

Jess said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now, Lea. I wish too that you could be getting ready to throw a big one year bash for Nicholas! Thinking of you and praying for you as you go through these next difficult days and weeks!

Lindsay said...

I wasn't here for this, but I'm trying to catch up. I'm remembering Nicholas' one year with you.
So much love..

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