Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Happy 11 Month Angel Day Baby

Dear Nicholas,

It's a nasty, cold and rainy day here today - a little like mommy's mood. It's amazing how the sadness and desperation can really sneak in on the "day". I miss you, baby. I can literally smell your skin today. I can feel you in my arms. I can feel you in my heart.

Last night, I was tucking your oldest brother into bed and he was reaching up to the sky. I gently pushed his arm back down and under the covers as I thought he was just fooling around at bedtime. He explained to me that he was reaching for you, his baby brother. He was reaching to the clouds and beyond to feel your touch. This is something your daddy taught him to do when he is thinking about you. Once I realized what he was doing we reached together and said our own special prayer - I hope you heard us.

You would be 11 months old today. That seems unreal to me. Unreal that you have been gone for that long... I had your youngest brother at gymnastics class today and there were little boys everywhere. I really find it hard to watch babies around 11 months old crawl around, babbling away. I also find it extremely hard to see newborns, more specifically, to hear their high pitch, infant cry... That is a sound I prayed to hear once you were born. Of course, I knew otherwise. I knew you were sound asleep, but I hoped beyond hope for some kind of sheer miracle. I hoped for you to fill that hospital room with your lovely cry. To prove everyone wrong. You didn't. You lay there, peaceful and perfect as only our tears covered your sweet face.

Your baby sister, Little Miss Sunshine, is staying strong. I know you are helping us along. I can feel "Nicholas' Touch" as we travel along this new path of our journey.

Thank you, Angel. We are so truly grateful for you.

Love always and forever,
Mommy, Daddy, Evan, Kyle and "Little Miss Sunshine"



Jus and Kat said...

Hugs to you and your family, today and always. Beautiful Nicholas is in my thoughts!


Emmy said...

I love that your son reaches for Nicholas. :)
Sending you hugs, lady. Nicholas is smiling down on you guys!

Karen said...

So sorry for your loss. I'm so touched by your husband teaching your older son to reach for the sky. That is just beautiful. I've been struggling so much lately with my children's grief over losing their baby brother in May. Thank you for sharing your letter to your angel. (((Hugs)))

Unknown said...

Happy 11 months in Heaven Nicholas!!

Lea, I am thinking of you today and sending you warm hugs. I think it is sweet how your son reaches toward the sky. I really like that and it's such a loving gesture. It is hard to see the babies the age that they should be and the newborns. For me, it reminds me what I am missing.

Franchesca said...

Thinking about you on this rainy, sad day.

Happy 11 months, Nicholas!


Hope's Mama said...

Thinking of your little boy today. And you, Mama.

Mary said...

That is such a sweet way to teach your son how to deal with his grief. I may start doing that myself.

Nicholas is definitely watching over you and Little Miss Sunshine. He will continue to protect her.

You are in my prayers today.

Jen said...

What a beautiful letter for your baby boy~

Bree said...

You are amazing, Lea. Thinking of beautiful Nicholas today.

Nan & Mike said...

Beautiful baby boy, you are so loved by all. Thinking of you. Hugs, Nan xo

Jill said...

Thinking of you and Nicholas. So sweet that your son reaches for him in heaven.

Much love to you on this day.

caitsmom said...


Anonymous said...

Special hugs to you on this bittersweet day. You are all in my heart and prayers - Sarita

Cristin said...

It's amazing that our sons have such love and understanding of their baby brothers. I wish we too could have that sweet simple acceptance.
Sending you warm thoughts from my heart.

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I'm always glad to see a picture of sweet Nicholas...he is amazingly handsome <3


Rikki said...

Happy 11 months Nicholas.
That is so cute that your son reaches to the sky for Nicholas.beautiful.
Thinking of you and your family today

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you and your family.
Remembering your sweet Nicholas.
Much love to you all xoxo

margaret said...

Lea I had to leave without commenting after I read your post. Nicholas's picture and your words brought me to tears. I'm so sad, so sorry he isn't here with you. As we are both approaching the year mark without our boys, I am having a terrible time. Just wanted to let you know that I thought of you yesterday but in my own sorrow, couldn't bring myself to let you know how sad I am for you, for me and for us all. Hugging you

Bluebird said...

Lots of ((((hugs))))

Carly said...

Lea, It is so heart is with you on Nicholas' 11 mos. Angel Day. Your son is so sweet, his actions and words are so touching. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristy said...

11 months, wow. Thinking of you and sweet baby Nicholas. xo

Inanna said...

I'm late, but I think of you and Nicholas often. HUGS.

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