Another year without him...

Dear Nicholas,

Just a little note to say hi to our beautiful Angel. Hi baby. Thank you so very much for guiding your sister to us safely. She is a joy and a blessing and I see you each time I look at her.

There are many times now that I can think of you and smile, but today are just tears. Tears for our baby boy whom I miss with every inch of my being. Tears for another New Year without you. Tears for the time that insists on marching along... leaving you further and further behind.

Love you so much,
Mommy xo

Sally said it best the other day. I am happy. I am sad. I am lost. I am found. I am hopeful. I am pessimistic. I am grateful. I am pissed. I love her..... I love him. I enjoy her fully. I miss him desperately.

I could go on and on. The contradiction of emotions is exhausting in itself. I suppose it will always be that way. One feeling trying to overpower the other. Today, although it may seem selfish and ungrateful for the miracles we do have, the sadness and unfairness of it all seems to be winning out.

I have to say that it doesn't help at all when Nicholas and his memory are so blatantly ignored. I find myself often highlighting things of his, momentos, pictures of him when certain people come into our home. I will light his candle, mention his name.... and still, nothing. Not a word. Not an acknowledgment. Not an "oh my, isn't that a lovely family photo" or "Nicholas' memory table looks beautiful". Not even a mention of his name.

It breaks my heart. Plain and simple.

And Madison is here. She is gorgeous. She is healthy. She is growing.... We are incredibly lucky. The same certain people ooohh and aahhh over her. They cuddle her and love her and speak her name. They do this because she is here. She is alive. There is only happiness and relief over her safe arrival. Maddie deserves this. She is our hope, our chance to continue to heal our broken family. It's a happy ending. It's much easier for some people to accept this fate, a beautiful, healthy baby, home where she should be than a baby who died.

It just literally makes me sick to my stomach that Nicholas does not get the same respect. That we do not get the same respect. That because his was a sad, sad ending, that he doesn't deserve mention.

He is a part of our family, dammit. He is our son, our precious, sweet Angel who deserves every little bit of respect and honour as the rest of our family.

And then the request to send pictures of Madison as she grows.... I don't have any desire or inclination to keep anyone in the loop of our family when a big part of our family, Nicholas, is totally and deliberately ignored.

*sigh*

Okay... think I'm done for now.

Wishing you all a safe and peaceful New Year.

xo

Sunbathing

Our "Little Miss Sunshine" is certainly living up to her nickname!

We did have a little set back last week.

Madison's billy rubin (jaundice) levels continued to climb the days following her birth. We were in to the hospital 3 times to have her blood taken and each time her levels were inching higher and higher. Finally, on Wednesday, December 23 we were admitted to the hospital so that Maddie could go under the photo therapy rays.

Lucky girl! At only a week old, she has been to Cuba.

She did very well and her levels shot back down quickly. We were able to come home again on Christmas Eve... thank goodness... otherwise, I would have had 2 very upset little boys on my hands!

She continues to do well. Her weight is steadily increasing and she is becoming more and more alert.

Hope these photos can give you a smile..

Miss Madison's Arrival

So, I'm not exactly sure where to start....

I will start by saying that we are truly, truly blessed. My husband and I were talking last night, trying to balance the never-ending sense of loss with the powerful feelings of love and joy for our children. We are so very proud of all of them. They have all stolen our hearts and captured our souls.

We will forever miss Nicholas.

But we also welcome, with so much love, Madison to our family.

I am convinced that Miss Maddie decided to grace us with her presence early to help calm her mommy's nerves.

I am also convinced that Nicholas played a big part in bringing her to us safely.

She is one of the lucky one's. She had Angel Wings guiding her the entire way.

Madison Nichole Reeves - born December 17 at 12:58am, weighing 5lbs 13oz

It was a Wednesday. I had been out running some last minute errands for Christmas. I decided once I got home that I would take advantage of my husband being home for another hour before heading to work that I would lay down for 20 minutes. As soon as I did that the contractions started. To be honest, I didn't think much of it as I had been experiencing false labour contractions for the past 4 weeks or so, but once they started to become more frequent and consistent my husband and I decided that we should check it out. I still find it very funny that after 4 babies I questioned myself. I must say that it is very true when they say that each pregnancy and each labour are different in their own way. Anyway, I figured that the labour and delivery team would tell me that I was just being my neurotic self and send me home for another 4 weeks....

We got to the hospital about 1:30pm and I was immediately sent to triage to be monitored. Baby looked great. Contractions were in fact happening... and fast. I was dilating and all looked like we would be meeting our little girl that day. I was terrified. 36 weeks. Was it too soon? Would she be okay? Were we going to have 2 Angels in Heaven? The doctors and nurses assured us that 36 weeks was a good gestation and that everything was going to be okay.

My blood pressure was high.... hmmm, I wonder why. The nurses continued to monitor it. When the OB came in to check on me she asked me if there was anything I was anxious about (besides the obvious - being in labour and in pain). Well, that's when the damn broke. The tears flowed. The sobs filled the room. All along I could feel my chest tightening and all along I was fighting it.. telling myself to relax. I opened up to the doctor about Nicholas and our horrendous ordeal only a year ago. She was amazing, as was the nurse, as was my incredibly brave and strong husband. It was the release I needed. Immediately following, my blood pressure calmed right down and labour started to progress.... I am in awe of the human body. The human spirit.

I was then admitted and got settled into a birthing room. I managed the contractions for about 8 hours (knowing that it was most likely the last time I would be going through child birth, I wanted to "experience" it as long as possible).
I got the epidural about 7:30pm. My mom came to be with us about 9 and our beautiful "Little Miss Sunshine" was born at 12:58am, Thursday, December 17th. It was incredibly emotional, incredibly peaceful, incredibly incredible. I only pushed about 4 times and out she came... beautiful, screaming and alive.

I have to admit that when the doctor announced "meet your gorgeous daughter", I half expected her to say son... I made my husband check twice for girly bits!

Madison was placed on my chest as soon as she was born and stayed there most of the night. In the early morning we decided it was best she go to the Special Care Nursery to check on her breathing... she had quite a bit of mucous that needed to be suctioned out. She was placed on CPAP for about 12 hours with minimal pressure and given a course of antibiotic to rule out infection. The hardest part about that was not having her in our room, beside us. The flashbacks were present. Back to the night we said goodbye to our precious boy. He wasn't with us either. He was taken to the "quiet room". He was not where he belonged.

Special Care was the best place for Maddie. She responded well to the extra oxygen and the antibiotics and was out and back in our room Friday evening. We came home Saturday afternoon.

One more note; we had a super fantastic nurse who was sent especially to us for Madison's birth. When she started her shift at 7:30pm she came in to introduce herself and quickly told me that she too has her very own Angel. Her little boy was born at 22 weeks just over a year ago and she was sure that she was our nurse for a reason. Well, that proved to be very true. We had an instant connection. An instant bond that only two grieving mothers can. She held my hand the entire time. She cried with me, she pushed with me, she supported me in a way I would never have expected. I asked her how she is able to work in labour and delivery after what she has experienced. She responded "women like you give me hope"... I amazed at her strength, her beauty and her determination. I already have a pair of Angel Wings made for her. Madison surely had two Angels guiding her safely to us that night.

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Comfort, Strength & Peace

Hello Everyone,

I am looking forward to posting more about our Christmas blessing, Madison, and definitely will in the next few days, but tonight I would like to take a moment and wish you all comfort, strength and peace on Christmas Day.

I am confident that all of our Angels are wishing their mommies the same this Holiday.

From our Angel to yours... Merry Christmas.

Love,
Lea xoxo

Introducing........

Hello Everyone!

"Little Miss Sunshine" decided to make an early debut!

Madison Nichole was born on December 17 at 12:58am. She weighed 5lbs 13oz and looks exactly like her brothers... although much more petite!

Madison had to go the NICU for a couple of days as she had quite a bit of mucous in her chest. She was given some extra oxygen and was given a course of antibiotics to rule out a chest infections. She is doing really well and we are now home... trying to establish some kind of organized chaos. Christmas is sure extra special this year!

Thank you for all of your love, support and guidance throughout this latest journey. We are so very blessed to have our precious girl here with us, safe and sound.

Thank you, Nicholas for the extra special role you have played in bringing your baby sister home to us.

Will post more soon!

The Beautiful Cradle

I think I have mentioned before that my brother made us a beautiful wooden cradle when we were expecting our first son. It has been well used, as we are now passing it around the family when the time arises. Each baby born and to use it has their own gold initial plate embossed on the side of it. I will forever be sad that Nicholas' initials will never appear on such a family heirloom... although, one day, I think I will get an "In Memory" plaque and find a special spot on the cradle for it.

I have now prepared it for "Little Miss Sunshine". It sits ready and waiting for our new arrival to come home, as it has done for all of our children. I remember pleading with my brother to come and get it out of our house when we found out about Nicholas' diagnosis. I knew I wouldn't be able to bare looking at an empty, yet so ready, cradle when we got home from saying good bye to our son.

It was difficult to get it back, put it in the same spot in our bedroom, clean the linens and prepare it all over again, but also somewhat healing. In the next few weeks it will be filled with a gorgeous baby girl... at least that is our eternal hope.

Here is a preview of the Before.....



After to come in a few weeks!

Temporary Home

I just recently heard this song by Carrie Underwood.....

All I can say, is WOW!

Very powerful. Just tears.

Temporary Home

Lyrics:

Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone
Another new mom and dad,another school
Another house that'll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out
Because a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we'll find a place here in this world

"This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
He looks up and says "I can see God's face"

"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home."

This is our temporary home