Thursday, December 31, 2009

Another year without him...

Dear Nicholas,

Just a little note to say hi to our beautiful Angel. Hi baby. Thank you so very much for guiding your sister to us safely. She is a joy and a blessing and I see you each time I look at her.

There are many times now that I can think of you and smile, but today are just tears. Tears for our baby boy whom I miss with every inch of my being. Tears for another New Year without you. Tears for the time that insists on marching along... leaving you further and further behind.

Love you so much,
Mommy xo

Sally said it best the other day. I am happy. I am sad. I am lost. I am found. I am hopeful. I am pessimistic. I am grateful. I am pissed. I love her..... I love him. I enjoy her fully. I miss him desperately.

I could go on and on. The contradiction of emotions is exhausting in itself. I suppose it will always be that way. One feeling trying to overpower the other. Today, although it may seem selfish and ungrateful for the miracles we do have, the sadness and unfairness of it all seems to be winning out.

I have to say that it doesn't help at all when Nicholas and his memory are so blatantly ignored. I find myself often highlighting things of his, momentos, pictures of him when certain people come into our home. I will light his candle, mention his name.... and still, nothing. Not a word. Not an acknowledgment. Not an "oh my, isn't that a lovely family photo" or "Nicholas' memory table looks beautiful". Not even a mention of his name.

It breaks my heart. Plain and simple.

And Madison is here. She is gorgeous. She is healthy. She is growing.... We are incredibly lucky. The same certain people ooohh and aahhh over her. They cuddle her and love her and speak her name. They do this because she is here. She is alive. There is only happiness and relief over her safe arrival. Maddie deserves this. She is our hope, our chance to continue to heal our broken family. It's a happy ending. It's much easier for some people to accept this fate, a beautiful, healthy baby, home where she should be than a baby who died.

It just literally makes me sick to my stomach that Nicholas does not get the same respect. That we do not get the same respect. That because his was a sad, sad ending, that he doesn't deserve mention.

He is a part of our family, dammit. He is our son, our precious, sweet Angel who deserves every little bit of respect and honour as the rest of our family.

And then the request to send pictures of Madison as she grows.... I don't have any desire or inclination to keep anyone in the loop of our family when a big part of our family, Nicholas, is totally and deliberately ignored.


Okay... think I'm done for now.

Wishing you all a safe and peaceful New Year.



Bree said...

Such truth, Lea. Thinking of sweet Nicholas today.

margaret said...

Wishing you the same Lea. Thinking of you and Nicholas....Hugs

Paige said...

I struggle with this too, Lea. It does feel disrespectful when people can't acknowledge our babies just because they were unlucky enough to die. My MIL told me the other day that her friends keep calling her to ask if she's a grandmother yet and it's all I can do to bite my tongue and not hiss, "You already are." Sending you all love for a wonderful 2010 and remembering Nicholas always. xo

Fireflyforever said...

I'm not on "the other side" yet so to speak but I understand. Reading those of you who have brought home healthy rainbows is preparing me for what's to come if/when Jurgen makes it here.

I wish you a peaceful New Year as you continue to work through all the exhausting contradictions.

Jill said...

Nicholas deserves to be loved, recognized, honored, and have his name spoken. I am sorry, Lea. That must hurt.

Sweet letter to Nicholas and happy Madison is doing well! Wishing you and your family a peaceful new year.


SUSI said...

It hurts so terribly that with every day that passes fewer people speak of our Angels. I struggle with this daily and I have been disappointed by many close family members and friends over the past year. I am to the point now that I have given up on those people and I am not sure how I will react once our rainbow baby is here and we'll get the "ooohhhhs" and "aaahhhs." Why does this have to be so hard for us on so many levels? And why can people not take a moment and talk about our Angels?

Hope you will feel better tomorrow. Remembering your Angel with you.


Courtney said...

I too cannot stand when people ignore my sons life. They lived for two beautiful hours. Sometimes these people make me want to scream.

Thinking of your darling family and your precious Nicholas as we welcome a new year. Hopefully one filled with happiness and peace.

Hope's Mama said...

Like Paige, someone said to my dad the other day "how was your first Christmas as a grandfather" and my dad repeated it to me, as if the words were true. I had to correct him. It is so painful.
This was a wonderful, honest post. As always.
Happy new year.

Karen said...

Thinking of you and yours and especially Nicholas. Best for 2010, Lea. xo

Jus and Kat said...

"The contradiction of emotions is exhausting in itself. I suppose it will always be that way."

This statement hits me so hard because it was such a hard, bitter pill for me to swallow. We had our daughter earlier this year, and I felt like I was going through motions similar to the ones you describe here.

Because we lost our firstborn, so many people kept saying things like, "Well, when you become a mother" or "it'll be perfect this time around". Things like that infuriate me because I already was a mother and Dylan was absolutely perfect!

And so was Nicholas dear Lea! Hugs to you in 2010!

Caroline said...

Thinking of you and yours and your Nicholas. Wishing you all the best in 2010.

Anonymous said...

i understand your feelings, Lea. I hope it helps to know that I and others have not forgotten about Nicholas. I have something to mail to all your children,Nicholas included, hopefully on Monday. I remember him daily when I look at the angel wings you sent me. He is the reason you started this ministry.I am sending big hugs and love to you- Sarita

Lesley said...

so well put Lea. I sometimes feel that people think it will make me feel better if they don't even mention Cam, she was/is as much a part of my life as this new baby. I completely understand the contradiction of emotions and know that I have many more to deal with. Hugs to you in this new year sweetie!!

Debbie said...

Oh Lea. You (and Sally) have managed to put into words exactly the way I felt for the first several months of Finn's life. The conflicting emotions are overwhelming at times. I assure you (and Sally) that those conflicting emotions do begin to subside with time.

Happy New Year, Lea. I don't know if you saw my response to your comment the other day, but give that little girly an extra cuddle from me.

Always holding you close in my heart.

Bluebird said...

Ah. I can only imagine. As if the more people fawn over the rainbow baby, the greater the need to have them recognize the one(s) no longer with us. It makes sense, and I can only imagine myself in your shoes. The sad part is, I can imagine these conversations and emotions from those closest to me; those who should know better.

I'm so sorry.

Emmy said...

Lea, maybe he was only "real" to you and your immediate family? I'm not condoning "certain people's" behavior, but my extended family doesn't remember Leila, either. And I don't hold it against them. Before walking in these shoes, I was one of them. I remember looking at an obituary of a stillborn baby and thinking, "well, it's not as hard as losing someone you knew." Oh, how naive I was! I think it's our duty to educate people close to us, and sometimes they just need a little coaching to understand the depth of our loss. Just my opinion, and not worth the paper it's written on. :)

Love you, sweet girl. And sending love to Little Nicholas up there (I think he's playing hide & seek in the clouds with Leila and Ella and Carleigh and Hope and all the other angel babies).

Lea said...

Thank you all for your comments and support. I know it's the same old story... we all seem to have people in our life who have disappointed us over and over when it comes to our Angels.

Emily - I see where you are coming from and appreciate your opinion. There are many people in our life whom have exhibited what I feel is negative behaviour towards Nicholas' memory.. and for many of them, a year later, I accept the fact that it won't change. There are others, however, such as immediate family (in-laws) in which I cannot accept such behaviour. It totally blows my mind that as parents, as Nicholas' grandparents, aunts, uncles there is no level of recognition of him. That even though my husband and I have tried and tried to communicate our feelings... it's in one ear and out the other. It's even more difficult for me to watch my husband be so deliberately hurt by it.... That is what I will not accept. The worst part is I resent them more and more.


Catherine W said...

I think you might be right Lea. It is easier for people to talk about a happy situation, a healthy baby coming home than a baby who died. I find it very disconcerting that many, many people want to talk about J to me because she is such a little 'miracle' baby but hardly anybody has ever even mentioned her sister's name.
I'm sorry. I know how it hurts.
Nicholas is remembered here and he has touched the hearts of so many. xo

Unknown said...

I wish people would realize how much it means to have our babies acknowledged. They mean so much to us!

ter@waaoms said...

I think that was one of our fears... was that everyone would treat a live child better than our first child.... so we never did have another baby. :( Part of me regrets it ... part of me is glad that I didn't have to go through that again (lose another baby) part of me is glad I don't have to deal with raising a child by myself...

I don't know... but.... part of me really wishes we weren't so afraid... now it's too late... :(

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