Anticipating Mother's Day

So many of us have posted about this.... the upcoming Mother's Day.

There are a lot of emotions running through my head... and my heart about this Mother's Day. I am so extremely thankful to have two beautiful boys on this earth to share it with.... but things were supposed to be so different. We were supposed to have our 3 beautiful boys on this earth to share it with. Nicholas would be 6 months old by then. Just sitting up, taking cereal from a spoon, smiling and cooing tons, watching his big brothers with pride. I would be smothering them all with kisses as I thanked them for their homemade crafts and cards. I would be loving them all to pieces...

I think what terrifies me most about this Mother's Day is that others aren't going to realize how difficult it is going to be for me. I will put on my "happy" Mother's Day face, visit our own mothers and try desperately to enjoy the day. That's all we can do.

My Child's Name

The following is a poem I came across.... it spoke to me.


The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.

Author Unknown -


Love to you all... xo

July 22, 2008 - The Collapse

July 22, 2008 - approx. 20 weeks pregnant

I woke up with a dull ache in the left side of my back. Didn't think much of it - just trials and tribulations of pregnancy. The pain started to get worse. I grabbed a heating pad. I couldn't get up to make breakfast for the boys, so my Mom did (we were cottaging at our family cottage). I sat with the heat for a while, willing the pain to subside and then the nausea hit. I made it to the bathroom and was sick.... quite a few times and then collapsed on the floor. I only remember bits and pieces after that. I remember my Mom saying she was going to call 911... the nearest hospital was 30 minutes away. I lay in agony (10 X worse than labour) and prayed that the paramedics get there soon. I knew something was wrong, very wrong, but in my heart of hearts I didn't think it had anything to do with the baby (directly anyway).

When the paramedics arrived they pulled the gurney down our narrow cottage hallway and lifted me on. All I could think was "my boys are going to be so scared". My mom had put a movie on for them - all I can say is "thank goodness for the Chipmunks". They didn't make a sound, they even try to look. I think my poor little guys were terrified. My mom promised to keep them at the cottage - I didn't want them to come to the hospital, not like that. My husband was on his way from Toronto (about 2 hours away).

I remember hearing the paramedic tell my mom that they were going to take me to Labor and Delivery. Oh, dear lord. I was so sick that I don't even remember being scared.

Once I got to the hospital the pain had started to subside a bit. I waited for a doctor, waited for my husband. I've never more glad to see anyone in my life when hubby walked in the room. We had an ultrasound and what seemed like hours later (I think it actually was hours later) the OB came with the news. "You have and 8 centimeter cyst on your left ovary. It has twisted, assuming from the position of the baby, which has caused your ovary to lose its blood supply. This is what is causing the pain". Okay, great... so now what? "I will have to do emergency surgery this evening and remove both the cyst and the ovary, if not we could lose you and the baby. There is no other way." In the same breath the doctor said "and hopefully you don't miscarry". Wow, thank you, thank you very much for that. I remember just looking at her in disbelief and then at my husband. Did she really just say that? And so nonchalantly, at that? Well, losing this baby wasn't an option for me.

We agreed to the surgery (not that we had much choice) and were waiting anxiously for the OR to open up. I was terrified and numb at the same time. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and one of the nurses talking to me. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was something to do with the fact that she lost her son also. There were tears streaming down my face. I just shook my head, "I haven't lost him yet". Wow, was that foreshadowing, or what?

When I came to, I #1 reached for my belly, still there and #2 screamed for my husband. The nurses went to get him and I felt better with him by my side. I was so, so sick from the anestetic and morphine and whatever else they had me doped up on but that was okay because our baby was okay. Thank God.

A few days later I went home to recover, however, 10 days later ended back in hospital with continuous severe pain (same area). We opted for no MRI because it may harm the baby and each ultrasound showed the baby well and seemingly oblivious to all of my woes. The doctors concluded that I had a slow blood leak that was probably pooling and causing so much pain. So, at that point, it was just pain management, rest and to ensure that my blood level were going back up (which they were).

Things did get better. I forced myself to rest. I had a lot of help with the boys, because when you have a 4 and 2 year old there is no such thing as rest, and I thanked God everyday that our baby boy was still with us and healthy.

Fast forward 14 or so weeks to this post.

It is entirely likely that something happened to our precious Nicholas way back on that rainy summer day in July. I lost so much blood... from the minute of my attack, through the surgery and the days following. I lost so much blood that I couldn't continue to provide it to my baby. My question is ....... WHY?!! Why didn't the doctors monitor that, why didn't they notice, why couldn't something have been done? Instead, I continued on believing everything was fine. That if only I was feeling this pain, if only I was suffering... that was OK!

Obviously, that is not what happened. Something went horribly, horribly wrong and I will always have a hard time dealing with the "what if's".

Okay - that's it for today - my head hurts.

Why Not?

I am going on a mini vacation to Ottawa next week. I have a very good girlfriend who lives there. We haven't seen each other in a couple of years because the distance to drive is about 5-6 hours and with kids.... just not much of an option. My Dad has a business trip in Ottawa next week and asked me a couple of months ago if I wanted to fly down with him and visit with my friend (he would buy my ticket). So, I hesitated, as just going to the store for a bag of milk sometimes brings me anxiety these days (how would I be on a plane, visiting someone's elses house, and on the 7th of May, no less??? - we lost Nicholas November 7). Eventually I said yes... and thank you. I thought it would do me some good?

Well, I had a call from this friend last week to inform me that she may look "different" when I meet her at the airport. My heart sank, I mean, literally sank and ached for what I knew was coming next. "I cut my hair short".... phew, instant, momentary relief.... "and I'm 6 months pregnant". Crap! I knew it! Of course she is pregnant, why not? Why not throw something else in my face right? It's funny because I had this nagging feeling for a couple of weeks that this may be the case. She has an almost 2 year old and the timing of another baby just works. So, I thought that it was a possibility, yet, I hadn't heard anything so I thought I was home free.... then she called.

As most you reading here know the feelings associated with this kind of news, I am very, very happy for her and her growing family - it's just that pregnancy and newborns are just sooooooo hard for me to deal with right now. BUT, it's not about me. It's about my beautiful friend and this new life she is nurturing inside her belly I just hope that it turns out better for her...... Gosh, I hate that that is our reality now. I hate that that is my most prominent feeling about her pregnancy.

So, to top it all off, I go to my closet this morning to pull out the suitcase I want to take to Ottawa.... Well, let's just say that I guess I haven't used that suitcase for 6 months. I opened it up and found a receiving blanket, my granny style pregnancy underwear, thick pads and nursing pads..... Uggggg!!!! Not a good morning all around. Thanks for the "reminder" suitcase.

Facts about DNA - Truly Amazing

I borrowed this from Courtney at The Peeks. A lot of other babylost mommies have posted about it as well, but I couldn't pass up the chance to spread the word. What a fantastic message.

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Did you know every time we carry a child, they leave their DNA in us? So if someone takes enough of our blood, they can find traces of every child we've carried within us, for the rest of our lives.

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I love knowing that. Knowing that, because I carried Nicholas for 35 weeks, that he will be a part of me forever. You have your own indelible blueprint, your own map physically and permanently stamped inside you. He will always be mine, I will always be his mommy. Maybe we don't know it, but it's a way for them to come back to us sometime down the road...

What a wonderful piece of information! Just reading that today..... hmmmm, brings a little peace and comfort to my heart.

Thank you ladies for sharing.

A Special Woman

A few weeks after we lost Nicholas I got an email from my former workplace. The email was from a woman I had never met (she joined the company after I had left). The news of our experience, however, spread quite quickly through the office and she wanted to express her sympathy for the loss of our little boy. I still remember sitting at the computer and reading that note. It came when we were still in such a dark, desperate place and I remember feeling just a slight glimmer of hope that maybe this world of ours still had some kindness in it. I mean, what kind of stranger takes time out of their day to reach out to a bereaved mommy? As I continued to read her words I learned that she had experienced the loss of her baby boy just a few shorts months before. She expressed her understanding, her support and she reached out with her heart and for that, I will forever be grateful.

This Sunday, April 26 marks her baby boy's Angel Day. It will be a tough day, a sad day, but, I hope also, that she and her family will be able to find some peace and calm. I will be thinking of her and her sweet Angel and hold them in my prayers.
Nicholas' candle is lit tonight in memory of H.









Love to our Angels..... xo

Under The Tree - April

Once again, thank you to Carly at Love Reign Over Me for getting this discussion started.
Love to you, Carly.

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It's been almost 6 months since we lost Nicholas. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times I feel like I am, once again, in the hospital bed holding my Angel.
Most days I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back... I keep telling myself that's better than taking no steps at all.

The grief for my baby boy is sometimes overwhelming. It sneaks up at the unexpected times and rips me apart all over again. I suspect that will always be the case. He is a part me, a part of our family. I miss him every single day.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

My heart hurts when I see pregnant women - more when I see newborns right now. I think most of the emotions are sadness, but sometimes jealousy... envy.
I find myself being very cynical about the whole pregnancy thing now. Just because you are pregnant doesn't guarantee you a healthy, happy baby. I hate that I feel that way... but it's our reality.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

I have been to a few "group" meetings which I have found to be helpful... although very draining as well. I find that the day after a meeting I tend to have a "Nicholas Day".... which isn't bad, just very tiring.

This blog, my tribute to our sweet baby boy has given me much strength. There is a sense of calm that comes over me when I write and although "reliving" our experience is tough, I find it healing, empowering to do so. I am so grateful for all of the wonderful ladies who have become supporters, friends in this cyberland. I hope to help others heal in the process as well.