Sisterhood Awards

A great big thank you to all who have nominated me for this award! And an even bigger thank you for reading our blog and honoring Nicholas by helping his mommy work through her pain.

There are so many of you to whom I feel deeply connected. I am constantly amazed at the love I feel from and for so many woman who are a world away. I will be forever grateful for this avenue of support and friendship.

The rules:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

Amy - Surviving the Day

Amberlee's Mom - Amberlee's Story

Stephanie - Beauty in the Breakdown

Cameron's Mom - I Held An Angel

Carly - Our Tiny Angel Will

Shanti Mama

Hope's Mom - Tuesday's Hope

Barbara - Burble

Emalee - I Am Me

Heather - It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Happy Easter Buddy

Oh how your daddy and I were remembering you this weekend. You should be in this picture, sitting in you bouncy chair in between your brothers. We miss you and all that you could have been.

Love you forever... xo

Standing Up

My husband sent me this link the other day. Thanks Babe.. xo

I found it to be extremely powerful, so I thought I would share.

Here's to helping each other "get back up".

Standing Up

Prayers for baby Kaylee and baby Lillian

There is a story in the news here right now about two beautiful little girls. They and their families both need all of the love and prayers they can get tonight and for the days ahead. I am asking my dear, wonderful bloggy friends to keep them in your thoughts.

Baby Kaylee and Lillian's story

With much love,
Lea

5 Months Today

I'm not able to write much today.... I am a complete disaster... ahhhh.... Why are these "anniversary" dates so much harder?



Nicholas, my sweet, sweet Angel. We miss you so, so much. Please help mommy and daddy get through today...

"The Question"

Well, it finally happened. Last night was the first time (or at least the most obvious time) that my husband and I had to answer the question "how many children do you have?" I have to say that as painful as it was, I also felt a sense of relief, peace, to recognize Nicholas as a part of our family somewhere other than in our minds.

Woman - "So, you have two boys?"

Me - "Actually, we have three boys."

Woman - "Oh?"

Husband - "We lost our youngest son last November."

Woman - "Oh, I didn't know... I'm sorry. What happened? Do you want to get into it?"

Me - Shaking head, eyes filling up... quickly. "Probably not a good idea right now, but thank you".

Followed by awkward, awkward silence.

Someone else at the table said "it is a terrible tragedy - there are a lot of people pulling for you, Lea".

A tragedy - you got that right.

Under the Tree - March

Carly, once again, thank you for encouraging these conversations.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby?













We have a table set up in our living/dining room for our Nicholas. On it sits a beautiful memory box with his picture that a dear friend gave us after we lost our angel. I have also framed a poem that I wrote for him in the early days. I have placed the "Caring" Willow Tree Angel that was given to me by my SIL and a gorgeous, ivory votive holder which we light every so often. Another piece sits on his table, it was given to me by another baby lost mommy (whom I have never met). The inscription reads "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."













We also have a frame with Nicholas' picture and foot imprints placed together with our other two sons.

Besides thinking of him often, I don't have any rituals in place. I suspect as the years go by (gosh, it hurts to say that) we will begin traditions to honor our son.


If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I am not a religious person, however, I do feel like I have become a lot more spiritual in the last few months. I believe in Angels, now more than ever, and I believe that there is a Heaven. I have to, because I can't bare the thought of never meeting with my sweet boy again.

I feel Nicholas' presence every minute of every day. He is in my heart, in my soul. I can't say that I have consciously been given a 'sign' from him (although a beautiful butterfly in the middle of a Canadian winter may be one?) I often wish for some kind of sign, some kind of tangible reminder that he is with us... maybe I'm looking too hard. But I know he is with us. The 'signs' to me come when my boys ask about their baby brother, out of nowhere - that takes my breath away.


Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby?

I have written a few poems since losing Nicholas. This one is one of the first and it sits on his table in our home.

Nicholas’ Touch
Your soul, it touched my heart today,
Like it has many times before.
It feels so real, just like you’re here
I ache to feel it more.

Your time with us was much too short
But an impact you have made.
Our lives have changed, our views have too
Our memories won’t fade.

You were given to us for a reason too deep
For anyone to understand.
I believe you came into our lives
So we could forever feel your hand.

Sometimes I cry because we lost you
And other times I smile.
Because I know deep in my heart
You’re with us all the while.

I’ll always remember your smell, your touch
Those kicks that made me squirm.
You were so strong and brave my boy
Those feelings again, I yearn.

We forever have an Angel now,
Someone to watch over us.
I guess that makes us the lucky ones
In that I have to trust.

My comfort is that you went without pain
And although I miss you so.
My heart, my life is full of love
For our boy we had to let go.

They say things happen as they should
“Life works out for the best”.
I don’t believe that “they” were forced
To face the ultimate test.

Losing a child at any stage
Tests a mommy’s soul.
The pain, it reaches much too deep
It doesn’t leave her whole.

For part of me went with you,
And part of me will stay.
To be a mommy to your brother’s
There is no other way.

I hold them both much closer now,
For you have taught me how.
To see life as a special gift,
That we should live within the now.

I love you buddy
So much it hurts
And that love will continue to grow.
I must believe that there will be one day
We’ll meet again and know…

Your soul, it touched my heart today,
That I know for sure.
I cherish those times we come so close,
For my heart begins to soar.

Please know, my love
You will always be
Engrained in all we do.
You touched our lives like a precious gift,
That precious gift is you.

Love,
Mommy xo
January 2009

I actually have printed out quite a few poems, quotes that I have found to be helpful and inspirational. Here are just a few;

"But do not be afraid to cry,
it does relieve the pain,
but remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain".

"When you are walking
down the street
and you've got me on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind".

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair.. one kiss of his mouth.. one touch of his hand.. than an eternity without it.."