Friday, May 25, 2012

Where we are at.......

We are 3 years, 6 months and 18 days along on our journey.


1295 days


31,080 hours

Wow. We have survived 31,080 hours of this journey? Impossible to believe. Even more impossible to swallow.

In the past 3 1/2 years we have experienced such a roller coaster of emotions. Deep, unimaginable grief, inexplicable love, heart wrenching guilt and immeasurable joy. This journey has transformed us. It has beaten us down time and time again.... and yet, we still stand. I dare say that we even stand with pride. Proud of the fact that we have weathered this storm. Proud of the fact that we will continue to do, together.

I think of him every day. I smell him. I feel him. I long for him. As Nicholas' mommy, that will never change. But I also feel like our grief has morphed into something much more positive. I have found solace and strength in helping others who walk this horrendous path. I yearn to do more. To offer support and complete understanding in such a devastating and life altering time. I crave the connection... to share our story in hopes it may make someone else's a little less raw. I wish to alleviate some pain. To let others know that I have walked and wept this road. To let them know they are not alone.

There are still days when my heart is heavy. I take these days as a sign to take a breather. To slow down. To feel. To remember. I suspect there will always be "down" days. Days when the burden feels like too much to handle. But there are also beautiful days. Like when I get a note from someone to say thank you for their baby's Angel Wings..... that makes my heart feel content. Nicholas' memory lives on.


Catherine W said...

Oh Lea. How lovely to see a post from you as part of Angie's project.

Nicholas's memory does live on. I cherish the angel wings that you made for Georgina, strange to think that was some years ago now. You have brought comfort to so many people.

I know I've said this before but Nicholas was just such a beautiful baby. Such a dear little guy. Every time I visit here, I have a sharp little intake of breath when I see his photograph, with his gorgeous hair. So hard to believe that he isn't here with you.

Hoping for beautiful days ahead and also that you find comfort in how many people you have helped and offered understanding to during such difficult and sad times.

Remembering Nicolas

Hope's Mama said...

You're a gorgeous mama, Lea. I am proud to have been walking this path with you for so long. God, has it really been that long?

Amelia said...

How wonderful you've found a way to help others through this.

Merry said...

Those last thoughts bout it being a sign to slow down and feel.... That is very good advice. Thank you.

Jessica said...

I also find peace in helping others through this is a way to heal, helping others... so sorry for the loss of your sweet Nicholas. Thank you for sharing right where you are <3

erica said...

Thank you for this. I love the way you remember your beautiful Nicholas, how your love for him saturates every word of this post.

Fireflyforever said...

I suppose it isn't surprising that I just want to say "Yes" to all of that, given that I have been missing Emma for only a few hundred more hours than you have been missing sweet Nicholas (and I so agree with Catherine - he is such a beautiful, beautiful little boy.)

I love what you say about the heaviness being a reminder to stop and feel - how true.

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