Friday, January 14, 2011

Mommy's Sorry

Dear Nicholas,

I have been thinking so much about you the last few days. I mean, you are always on my mind, but this has been something more. You are such an inspiration to me and I feel like I have been letting you down lately. The holidays were super busy and hockey with your brothers seems to have consumed us. I often joke these days that if you can't find me at home, check your local arena! It is fantastic though. I really enjoy being a "hockey mom" and I am so proud of your brothers and how far they have come.

Your daddy lit your candle the other night and I cried. You are never far from his thoughts either, sweet boy. I hadn't lit your candle for a few nights, either because we weren't home or because I got too caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life. I had just been thinking that we had been neglecting you.....

I'm sorry. We used to light your candle religiously... all of the time. A simple reminder that you are always with us.... always shining your little spark of hope. Your 'spot' in our home is as special and as sacred as the place you hold in our hearts and when it's lit up, well, it's magic.

I have gotten behind on the Angel Wings too. I get so many requests, which is heartbreaking in itself. It's been difficult to keep up. The Angel Wings Project is my dedication to you. It's your legacy... and I have been slacking. I'm sorry for that too, baby. I am getting back on track and can see the light again. The boutique will stay strong in your honour.

I think these are some of the reasons my heart has been a little heavy. In general I dream about you and talk about you with joy and pride. It's sometimes a challenge to remember all of the good that you are without being dragged down with the horrifying memories and moments of the weeks leading to your debut. Sometimes I wonder how we are still standing after going through such heartbreaking events.... but then I remember holding you and kissing you and loving you beyond words, so worth it.

So, when I close my eyes tonight, I hope for peace in my heart.

Love you, Nicholas.

Mommy xoxo

8 comments:

Mary said...

I just had the same conversation with Lukas. I feel guilty being consumed with Hayden's arrival. I sometimes pass out on the couch and don't wake up until the next morning. Our rituals that were once often have fallen to the wayside for the moment and it breaks my heart. I told him to know that no matter what is going on he is dearly loved by us and always in our thoughts.

Sarita Boyette said...

Nicholas knows you love him, Lea. Your beautiful ministry in honor of him has touched so many hearts. Every ribbon you measure, every feather you place, every piece of paper you cut - it is a hug or kiss for Nicholas. Praying for you dear, may you have a gentle day.

Bree said...

Oh, Lea. I feel this way about Ella too. Thinking of your dear Nicholas and wishing for you to feel peace. xo

margaret said...

I too am guilty Lea...but deep down I suspect our boys understand and are HAPPY when we have moments of joy, moments where we aren't consumed by remembering and sadness...Be gentle with yourself. Love you xo

Shandrea said...

Sending you Love and ((HUGS)) blowing kisses to heaven.

Carly said...

Sending you love and peace Lea.

Cristin said...

Lea, I think our boys know. I think they understand. I hope it makes them happy to see us moving forward, even if that takes them out of the center of our vision for those moments. I say I think I know these things, but honestly it's what I hope.

Unknown said...

I know that life can sometimes get in the way of remembering at times but it's ok. Our babies know we love them so much!

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