Friday, September 11, 2009

The Secret Garden - August

I'm just starting to "get back in the swing of things" from our summer away. Here is my August entry for The Secret Garden.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

My oldest brother built us a beautiful wood cradle when we were expecting our first son. We had it in our bedroom, next to my side of the bed (for easy access). Both Evan and Kyle were rocked to sleep in it until they were at least a few months old. I had it all ready for Nicholas' homecoming. The sheets were cleaned and pressed, the receiving blankets ready to catch his spit-ups, his pacifiers lay neatly on the edge... When we learned of Nicholas' condition and made that fateful trip to the hospital I called my brother and my Dad and pleaded with them to come and take the cradle away while we were gone. I knew I couldn't bare coming home to a perfectly laid out cradle where our baby was supposed to spend his first days...

The nursery was also prepared for when Nicholas was ready to make the transition from cradle to crib. To be honest, there wasn't a lot we had to do to it. We knew we were having another boy and so, the colours (sky blue and cream) were perfect. I had added a few extra touches, as I had for each of the boys, to make it their own. I changed the bedding set to a blue Noah's Ark type theme with a valence to match. I bought him a couple of new blankets and face cloths.... all of which still lay perfectly folded inside the crib.

I haven't had the heart to touch anything in the nursery. The door is still closed tightly. The 3-6 month sleepers and outfits still folded away in the dresser. The nursery is right at the top of our stairs, beside our bedroom and on the way to the older boys bedroom. We walk by it every day. In the very beginning I couldn't even touch the door without breaking down in tears. Knowing that those walls would never hear the lovely cry of our third, precious son was the hardest realization. I think I have opened the door a handful of times. Mostly only to "store" a few things. Each time I find myself taking a deep breath and getting out as quickly as I can. I think it would be different if he ever spent time in 'his room'. I think I would feel more of a connection to him there, but he didn't and it's a constant reminder of what could have been... what should have been.

We will start over for this new baby. It makes me sad to think that we will erase the love and tenderness that went into creating the nursery for the boys, including Nicholas, however, I just can't bring myself to use 'his' things for this new baby. Nicholas' things belong to him. The nursery, as it is now, belongs to him and his memory. So, we will do something completely different, something to honour this new life, all the while preserving the space we had prepared for our Angel.

Having said all that, I still haven't opened the door. I have some ideas in my head as to what I would like to do.... I just haven't got the courage to actually plan it out yet. Maybe because I feel like we may jinx things. Maybe because I am subconsciously protecting my heart. Whatever it is, soon enough we will get our butts in gear and create a new, special space for Nicholas' baby sister... and I know he will be proud.


Malory said...

He IS proud. What you are doing with the angel wings is amzing.

Unknown said...

I imagine it is difficult to go into the room that was prepared for a baby that never came home. We never even prepared anything for Carleigh, except me buying one outfit and her cloth diapers before her diagnosis. I can definitely understand your hesitation in preparing by getting the room ready. Nicholas will definitely be a proud big brother!!

Mary said...

I can't imagine how hard it is to change the room. But whatever you decide upon, I am sure it will be beautiful. Nicholas will be happy for his little sister.

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