A Year Is A Relative Thing

With Nicholas' first Angel Day only a week away, a friend sent me the following.....

Thought you all may get something out of it.

Thank you, friend. You know who you are.


A Year is a Relative Thing
by Ellen Zinner, PsyD

A year is the period of a planet's revolution around the sun; three hundred and sixty five days for the earth, longer for some planets, shorter for others. In the life of a bereaved individual, the time period of a year is a relative thing.
On the one hand, survivors often are amazed that so much time has passed since the death. Four seasons weathered; the holiday periods endured. It seems impossible that they have borne the pain for a full twelve months. On the other hand, it may seem that time has not moved at all. Emotions and memories seem fresh.

The news of the death and the ensuing days of confusion and painful decision making seem like only yesterday. And with this perspective, comes a fear that little recovery has taken place at all.

Are you caught in a similar time warp? Has the passage of time been too quick and too slow? And what is to be done with this first anniversary of the death? If you are approaching this marker in your bereavement, it is time to take stock of where you have been and where you are heading.

The first death anniversary is a special day for recognizing the loss. I have no doubt that you have been thinking daily about the loss and the change in your life. But this day looms larger than most. It brings back the sadness of the death itself with renewed force sustained by a year of experiencing the full import of the loss.

But the day can also be used a special day for celebrating the life of the deceased. Grieving stems not from the death itself but from the loss of the person. It is the loss of the laughter, the love, and connections past, present, and future which we mourn. How can you celebrate the life of your loved one? This is the challenge of the death anniversary. One family I know takes gold balloons to the high school track where their son had competed and lets float the personal message that each had written to him on the balloons. One widow picnics by the lake where she sprinkled her husband's ashes. Another family "celebrates" annually by having dinner together in a new restaurant that the daughter would have enjoyed. Creating a positive ritual that can be either fulfilled alone or shared adds powerful and supportive meaning to the death anniversary.

The death anniversary is also a day for acknowledging the living. This certainly includes you! The last twelve months have been demanding. You have handled your loss in the way you have needed to survive. You deserve to recognize yourself as one who has endured great hardship and to take care of yourself in a way that will ensure your ability to make a new life for yourself.

Love to you all. xo

Some Pictures

We took some pictures last weekend. Some pregnancy pictures and some family pictures. A girlfriend from highschool does some awesome photography. She actually took the pregnancy shots of Nicholas too. Funny thing is, she reminded me when we met up last weekend that it was actually a year, to the day, of shooting Nicholas in Mommy's belly. Too strange.

Little Miss Sunshine's Debut


Loving Hands


Brothers


The Whole Family






My Rock, My Love


Loving Nicholas


Butterfly Kisses




Canadian Fall Colours

Wishes...

This time last year we were preparing for an MRI at Sick Children's Hospital in Toronto to confirm the worst possible news about our unborn baby. We already knew. We already knew in our hearts that he was in a lot of trouble. We already knew that this 'confirmation' was hardly needed.

Although he felt blissfully happy and healthy inside my belly, he was not. He would not survive life without being snuggled inside his mama. He would not take a single breath of our air.

One of the very worst and distressing feelings about that time was the knowledge that there was no possible way for me to protect my child anymore. He couldn't stay inside of me forever... where I could feel him, touch him, love him. He would have to be born and he wouldn't survive the trauma that he faced. It's every parents torture. Every parents darkest, most horrendous nightmare - to know that you are helpless when it comes to your children.

I wish.

I wish so, so many things.

The most obvious is that I wish we were planning a huge first birthday bash for Nicholas. I wish I was struggling with what style of cake to make for him to mash his hands into. I wish he was taking his first steps, trying to keep up with his crazy brothers.

I wish.

I wish we could turn back the hands of time and hold our baby boy again. I wish I could feel the despair and anguish again - just to have one more moment with him.

I wish I had studied his body more closely. I wish I had unwrapped him from his beautiful blue blanket and studied his toes. I am positive he had his daddy's toes (both his brothers do). I wish I had studied his body. I wish I had taken in every little, precious detail. Every freckle. Every beauty mark. I wish I had held him skin to skin...

I wish I remembered more. I wish that the fog that plagued my brain and body that day didn't inhibit me from remembering more about our time together. Although, I must say that I am grateful for shock. Shock got us through more than we ever thought we could handle those last few days.

I wish.

I wish my parents met their grandson. I am at peace with my husband and my decision to be on our own with Nicholas, but sometimes I wish my mom got to hold him in her arms. To meet him, kiss him. I hope that he knows the love of his Nana.

My dad spent some sweet time with Nicholas at the funeral home. I am grateful for that, but it was different. I wish they were there (they would have been in a heartbeat - we asked them to stay with our other boys and keep things as 'normal' as possible for them)... the day that Nicholas was born into Heaven.

I wish I had the courage to keep him with us longer. I just remember thinking - this is it. We really have to say good bye to our son. We really have to hand him over to a nurse and then God knows what is going to happen to him, to his perfect little body. I was exhausted - I wish I had fallen asleep with him in my arms.

Of course, there are so many things that I am grateful for also. I am thankful that we took as many pictures of our boy as we did. Precious memories. The only ones we have. I am grateful for my wonderful, brave, strong husband. The very best daddy to our boys. I am forever touched by the time they were able to spend together. I am grateful for Nicholas' footprints. For nurses and doctors who displayed compassion and care like you wouldn't believe. Mostly, I am grateful for him. For Nicholas. Our youngest son who just so happened to get caught up in some horribly rare and deeply unfortunate event.

I am grateful for what this special little being has brought to our lives. I am grateful for the lessons he has taught us and so many others. I am grateful that he was brought into our lives, if only for a short time.

He is our Angel... our sweet, sweet Angel and I am proud to be his mommy.

A Little Bit of Heaven

I was at a craft sale on Saturday - 'tis the season, you know. I saw this plaque and just knew that I had to have it!

My very best girlfriend and "chiquitita" bought it for me.... so perfect.




Love you guys.

Over The Top!

Thank you, Kristy!

I was given an "Over The Top" award from Kristy at I Love You To The Moon and Back. Thank you for the recognition.

I am supposed to answer the following 30 questions, with just one word....not always possible. ;)

1. Where is your cell phone? no cell phone
2. Your hair? half up
3. Your mother? home?
4. Your father? work
5. Your favorite food? chicken fajitas
6. Your dream last night? vivid
7. Your favorite drink? white wine with ice (not possible at the moment)
8. Your dream/goal? turning Nicholas' death into something positive
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? Angel Wings, at the moment
11. Your fear? losing another child
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy, content
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren't? A millionaire ;)
15. Muffins? cranberry orange
16. Wish list item? bigger house/yard
17. Where did you grow up? Ontario
18. Last thing you did? debate with two 3 year olds
19. What are you wearing? jeans and a tank
20. Your TV? not on
21. Your pets? cat
22. Friends? absolutely
23. Your life? Bittersweet
24. Your mood? emotional
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? Montana
27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
28. Your favorite store? Superstore
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? can't remember a good belly laugh for a while
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? fabulous
33. One place that I go to over and over? my parents
34. One person who emails me regularly? mom
35. Favorite place to eat? home

And of course I need to pass it on to other fellow bloggers.


JennJenn

Mommy

Margaret

Almost a Mother

Jess



Kristy also awarded me the "One Lovely Blog Award". It means so very much to know that others are reading Nicholas' story and that maybe we can help support someone along the way.

I am supposed to pass this on to deserving bloggers I read. I follow so many wonderful blogs. Well written, passionate, raw and emotional. You are all my "soul sisters"... I swear. This community has been one of my life lines through this shaky journey. I thank you all and I love you all for taking the time to stop by Nicholas' Touch and The Angel Wings Memorial Boutique.

It's impossible to only choose a few blogs that I identify with, but I have to follow the rules.

Karen

Jill

Courtney

Holly

Franchesca

Update on "Little Miss Sunshine"

It's been a little while since I have updated on our new beautiful blessing and many of you have been asking, so here goes.

"Little Miss Sunshine" is shining away. She is fabulous and making her presence known as often as possible. Oh, how I am enjoying those little movements fluttering in my belly.

I am now 28 weeks pregnant. 7 months. Wow. Unbelievable, really

I failed my glucose screening last week and had to return for the longer version a couple of days ago. Everything came back fine, thank goodness. That is really the only 'excitement' of this pregnancy so far (knocking on wood now).

We are taking one day at a time. One moment at a time. Sometimes one breath at a time. I am feeling like the memories of losing Nicholas, holding him, kissing him are so vivid again. This is a good thing, but also so very painful because I just long for the real thing.

The emotions of preparing for Little Miss Sunshine and feeling so incredibly guilty for doing so, while grieving our son, are quite overwhelming at times.

I found the perfect Wall Word quote the other day for the baby's room. It literally jumped out at me:

"THE ANGELS DANCED THE DAY YOU WERE BORN.."

How could I not purchase that?! Totally fitting... there will certainly be one very special Angel dancing the day his sister is brought into this world healthy.

For Our Husbands and Male Supporters

I saw this on a facebook posting and loved it.

Dedicated to my wonderfully supportive husband...

The Strength of a Man

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.
It's in the width of his arms that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.
It's in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
It's how good of buddies he is with his children.

The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.
It's in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
It's in how tender he touches.

The strength in a man isn't in the hair on his chest.
It's in his Heart...that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn't how many women he's loved.
It's in can he be true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It's in the burdens he can carry.

Jacqueline Marie Griffiths (written for Hunt D. Rochon)