Overcompensating

I have often wondered if I am overcompensating for not being able to protect Nicholas. I wonder if, subconsciously, I feel compelled to talk about him to perfect strangers, to buy things that remind me of him because I feel like I couldn't do enough for him when he was alive, inside of me.

Whether it be Angels, ladybugs or a toy that I would probably buy for him if he were here, I find myself drawn to these things. Drawn to the fact that, had he survived, had my body not failed him, I would be buying him treats and clothes and toys... so why not continue?

I'm sure a lot of these feelings come from the inescapable mommy guilt. The soul searing feeling that I let him down. That I didn't do what a mommy is supposed to do. That I couldn't keep him safe. That we had to let him go. I sincerely think that this is the biggest reason I hold on so tight. I hold on to his memory, his legacy with such force sometimes that I find I must step back and 'regroup'.

I have often been told that to "love from afar" is extremely difficult and challenging. It is to balance the beautiful memories with the horrific one's. It is to learn how to hold those memories close without smothering in them. It is to remember our babies with grace and class and to help others in our lives to do the same.

I am fiercely protective of Nicholas' memory. Just as I would be fiercely protective of him if he were here. Just as I am fiercely protective of our other children. But, again, there are times when I have to remind myself that Nicholas knows we love him. And he knows this without all of the hoopla. The hoopla is for me. The hoopla is to comfort my own heart, to soothe my own soul.

I wrote Madison's Birth Announcement yesterday. It took me a while as I wanted to get the wording just right. I found myself getting angry at the fact that I couldn't just sit down and write a plain, simple announcement. The wording is different when a child has died. When a sibling isn't here to welcome his sister...
I wanted it to be special. To include all of Maddie's brothers... but, to be honest, I think I went overboard and it took my dad, the voice of reason, to confirm what I was already thinking. Needless to say, I changed it a bit. Afterall, it is Madison's birth announcement. It is Madison's special day and she deserves for it to be about her and only her.

My husband and I have discussed, in great length, the possibility of Maddie feeling like she is a replacement child. That is absolutely, without a doubt, not what we want. That is not what she is. She is a precious, new addition to our family and she completes it perfectly. That is how we want her to feel. Like her own extraordinary person. A perfect little girl whom mommy and daddy are so grateful for and couldn't love more if we tried.

Nicholas has a strong presence in our family. He always will. We will always talk about him and include him in our lives. The other children will know about their brother and understand that our family is bigger than what is in our home.... but, our Earth Angels will also know just how special each of them are. Nicholas' memory will not overshadow them, it will just follow them all closely to make sure they are okay.

Here is Maddie's Announcement:

Reeves/Watkins - We've added another color to our family's rainbow...

Jim and Leanna Reeves are thrilled to announce the early, but safe arrival of their first daughter, Madison Nichole, born December 17, 2009, weighing 5lb 13oz.

Proud and very excited brothers are Evan, Kyle and Madison’s very own Guardian Angel, Nicholas, who was born sleeping on November 7, 2008.

Madison is also warmly welcomed by her Nana and Papa, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. An extra special thank you to our beautiful nurse, Linda M. at SRHC, who provided extra care and support when we needed it most.

Heaven has smiled down on us.

We love you, beautiful girl. You are the most perfect finishing touch to our family.