Thursday, April 30, 2009

Anticipating Mother's Day

So many of us have posted about this.... the upcoming Mother's Day.

There are a lot of emotions running through my head... and my heart about this Mother's Day. I am so extremely thankful to have two beautiful boys on this earth to share it with.... but things were supposed to be so different. We were supposed to have our 3 beautiful boys on this earth to share it with. Nicholas would be 6 months old by then. Just sitting up, taking cereal from a spoon, smiling and cooing tons, watching his big brothers with pride. I would be smothering them all with kisses as I thanked them for their homemade crafts and cards. I would be loving them all to pieces...

I think what terrifies me most about this Mother's Day is that others aren't going to realize how difficult it is going to be for me. I will put on my "happy" Mother's Day face, visit our own mothers and try desperately to enjoy the day. That's all we can do.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My Child's Name

The following is a poem I came across.... it spoke to me.

The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.

Author Unknown -

Love to you all... xo

July 22, 2008 - The Collapse

July 22, 2008 - approx. 20 weeks pregnant

I woke up with a dull ache in the left side of my back. Didn't think much of it - just trials and tribulations of pregnancy. The pain started to get worse. I grabbed a heating pad. I couldn't get up to make breakfast for the boys, so my Mom did (we were cottaging at our family cottage). I sat with the heat for a while, willing the pain to subside and then the nausea hit. I made it to the bathroom and was sick.... quite a few times and then collapsed on the floor. I only remember bits and pieces after that. I remember my Mom saying she was going to call 911... the nearest hospital was 30 minutes away. I lay in agony (10 X worse than labour) and prayed that the paramedics get there soon. I knew something was wrong, very wrong, but in my heart of hearts I didn't think it had anything to do with the baby (directly anyway).

When the paramedics arrived they pulled the gurney down our narrow cottage hallway and lifted me on. All I could think was "my boys are going to be so scared". My mom had put a movie on for them - all I can say is "thank goodness for the Chipmunks". They didn't make a sound, they even try to look. I think my poor little guys were terrified. My mom promised to keep them at the cottage - I didn't want them to come to the hospital, not like that. My husband was on his way from Toronto (about 2 hours away).

I remember hearing the paramedic tell my mom that they were going to take me to Labor and Delivery. Oh, dear lord. I was so sick that I don't even remember being scared.

Once I got to the hospital the pain had started to subside a bit. I waited for a doctor, waited for my husband. I've never more glad to see anyone in my life when hubby walked in the room. We had an ultrasound and what seemed like hours later (I think it actually was hours later) the OB came with the news. "You have and 8 centimeter cyst on your left ovary. It has twisted, assuming from the position of the baby, which has caused your ovary to lose its blood supply. This is what is causing the pain". Okay, great... so now what? "I will have to do emergency surgery this evening and remove both the cyst and the ovary, if not we could lose you and the baby. There is no other way." In the same breath the doctor said "and hopefully you don't miscarry". Wow, thank you, thank you very much for that. I remember just looking at her in disbelief and then at my husband. Did she really just say that? And so nonchalantly, at that? Well, losing this baby wasn't an option for me.

We agreed to the surgery (not that we had much choice) and were waiting anxiously for the OR to open up. I was terrified and numb at the same time. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and one of the nurses talking to me. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was something to do with the fact that she lost her son also. There were tears streaming down my face. I just shook my head, "I haven't lost him yet". Wow, was that foreshadowing, or what?

When I came to, I #1 reached for my belly, still there and #2 screamed for my husband. The nurses went to get him and I felt better with him by my side. I was so, so sick from the anestetic and morphine and whatever else they had me doped up on but that was okay because our baby was okay. Thank God.

A few days later I went home to recover, however, 10 days later ended back in hospital with continuous severe pain (same area). We opted for no MRI because it may harm the baby and each ultrasound showed the baby well and seemingly oblivious to all of my woes. The doctors concluded that I had a slow blood leak that was probably pooling and causing so much pain. So, at that point, it was just pain management, rest and to ensure that my blood level were going back up (which they were).

Things did get better. I forced myself to rest. I had a lot of help with the boys, because when you have a 4 and 2 year old there is no such thing as rest, and I thanked God everyday that our baby boy was still with us and healthy.

Fast forward 14 or so weeks to this post.

It is entirely likely that something happened to our precious Nicholas way back on that rainy summer day in July. I lost so much blood... from the minute of my attack, through the surgery and the days following. I lost so much blood that I couldn't continue to provide it to my baby. My question is ....... WHY?!! Why didn't the doctors monitor that, why didn't they notice, why couldn't something have been done? Instead, I continued on believing everything was fine. That if only I was feeling this pain, if only I was suffering... that was OK!

Obviously, that is not what happened. Something went horribly, horribly wrong and I will always have a hard time dealing with the "what if's".

Okay - that's it for today - my head hurts.

Why Not?

I am going on a mini vacation to Ottawa next week. I have a very good girlfriend who lives there. We haven't seen each other in a couple of years because the distance to drive is about 5-6 hours and with kids.... just not much of an option. My Dad has a business trip in Ottawa next week and asked me a couple of months ago if I wanted to fly down with him and visit with my friend (he would buy my ticket). So, I hesitated, as just going to the store for a bag of milk sometimes brings me anxiety these days (how would I be on a plane, visiting someone's elses house, and on the 7th of May, no less??? - we lost Nicholas November 7). Eventually I said yes... and thank you. I thought it would do me some good?

Well, I had a call from this friend last week to inform me that she may look "different" when I meet her at the airport. My heart sank, I mean, literally sank and ached for what I knew was coming next. "I cut my hair short".... phew, instant, momentary relief.... "and I'm 6 months pregnant". Crap! I knew it! Of course she is pregnant, why not? Why not throw something else in my face right? It's funny because I had this nagging feeling for a couple of weeks that this may be the case. She has an almost 2 year old and the timing of another baby just works. So, I thought that it was a possibility, yet, I hadn't heard anything so I thought I was home free.... then she called.

As most you reading here know the feelings associated with this kind of news, I am very, very happy for her and her growing family - it's just that pregnancy and newborns are just sooooooo hard for me to deal with right now. BUT, it's not about me. It's about my beautiful friend and this new life she is nurturing inside her belly I just hope that it turns out better for her...... Gosh, I hate that that is our reality now. I hate that that is my most prominent feeling about her pregnancy.

So, to top it all off, I go to my closet this morning to pull out the suitcase I want to take to Ottawa.... Well, let's just say that I guess I haven't used that suitcase for 6 months. I opened it up and found a receiving blanket, my granny style pregnancy underwear, thick pads and nursing pads..... Uggggg!!!! Not a good morning all around. Thanks for the "reminder" suitcase.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Facts about DNA - Truly Amazing

I borrowed this from Courtney at The Peeks. A lot of other babylost mommies have posted about it as well, but I couldn't pass up the chance to spread the word. What a fantastic message.


Did you know every time we carry a child, they leave their DNA in us? So if someone takes enough of our blood, they can find traces of every child we've carried within us, for the rest of our lives.


I love knowing that. Knowing that, because I carried Nicholas for 35 weeks, that he will be a part of me forever. You have your own indelible blueprint, your own map physically and permanently stamped inside you. He will always be mine, I will always be his mommy. Maybe we don't know it, but it's a way for them to come back to us sometime down the road...

What a wonderful piece of information! Just reading that today..... hmmmm, brings a little peace and comfort to my heart.

Thank you ladies for sharing.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

A Special Woman

A few weeks after we lost Nicholas I got an email from my former workplace. The email was from a woman I had never met (she joined the company after I had left). The news of our experience, however, spread quite quickly through the office and she wanted to express her sympathy for the loss of our little boy. I still remember sitting at the computer and reading that note. It came when we were still in such a dark, desperate place and I remember feeling just a slight glimmer of hope that maybe this world of ours still had some kindness in it. I mean, what kind of stranger takes time out of their day to reach out to a bereaved mommy? As I continued to read her words I learned that she had experienced the loss of her baby boy just a few shorts months before. She expressed her understanding, her support and she reached out with her heart and for that, I will forever be grateful.

This Sunday, April 26 marks her baby boy's Angel Day. It will be a tough day, a sad day, but, I hope also, that she and her family will be able to find some peace and calm. I will be thinking of her and her sweet Angel and hold them in my prayers.
Nicholas' candle is lit tonight in memory of H.

Love to our Angels..... xo

Friday, April 24, 2009

Under The Tree - April

Once again, thank you to Carly at Love Reign Over Me for getting this discussion started.
Love to you, Carly.

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It's been almost 6 months since we lost Nicholas. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times I feel like I am, once again, in the hospital bed holding my Angel.
Most days I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back... I keep telling myself that's better than taking no steps at all.

The grief for my baby boy is sometimes overwhelming. It sneaks up at the unexpected times and rips me apart all over again. I suspect that will always be the case. He is a part me, a part of our family. I miss him every single day.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

My heart hurts when I see pregnant women - more when I see newborns right now. I think most of the emotions are sadness, but sometimes jealousy... envy.
I find myself being very cynical about the whole pregnancy thing now. Just because you are pregnant doesn't guarantee you a healthy, happy baby. I hate that I feel that way... but it's our reality.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

I have been to a few "group" meetings which I have found to be helpful... although very draining as well. I find that the day after a meeting I tend to have a "Nicholas Day".... which isn't bad, just very tiring.

This blog, my tribute to our sweet baby boy has given me much strength. There is a sense of calm that comes over me when I write and although "reliving" our experience is tough, I find it healing, empowering to do so. I am so grateful for all of the wonderful ladies who have become supporters, friends in this cyberland. I hope to help others heal in the process as well.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Nicholas' New Print

I saw this beautiful print on Heather's Blog It Only Hurts When I Breathe and thought it was stunning. I decided I had to have one!

Rhonda at Sparrow Farm Creations did a wonderful job. I just received the prints I ordered yesterday and cried and cried as I stared at our sweet Nicholas' name so beautifully done. Rhonda's prints are unique and obviously made with a lot of love and patience. Thank you Rhonda for such a precious gift.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

10 Things

Kristi at Healing, Dealing, Dreaming has a list on her blog titled "20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember". What a fabulous idea. She is my inspiration for the below list.

10 Things Others Can Do When Supporting A Grieving Parent

1. Acknowledge my baby, please. Don't be afraid to mention his name.

2. If you don't know what to say... say "I don't know what to say". It's much better than ignoring the situation altogether.

3. Please don't judge me. This journey is new and horrifying for me. I am still learning my way.

4. Although we have "better" days now, please don't think that I am "over" it. Truth is, I will never be "over" losing Nicholas.

5. Please don't ignore me. By choosing to stay away from me I feel isolated or that I'm no longer worthy of your friendship.

6. Please don't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Nicholas with me. Truth is, it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are - I borrowed that from Kristi - so true.

7. Please don't forget our Nicholas. Just because the months go on doesn't mean he deserves to be forgotten. I think of him and love him every single day and am extremely protective of his memory.

8. Please understand that seeing and talking about newborns is horribly painful for me right now - I see Nicholas in them all.

9. Please understand that holidays and anniversaries are especially tough for us. A "thinking of you" is so appreciated.

10. I reiterate - Acknowledge my baby, please. Don't be afraid to mention his name. Nicholas is a part of us and always will be.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Bringing Nicholas Home

It was a Friday evening, two weeks after we lost our precious boy, when the phone rang. I had been letting my husband answer the phone for weeks. I couldn't bare talking to anyone. But he was out for a few hours, so I answered. It was the funeral home, calling to tell us that Nicholas' (ashes) were ready to be picked up. "We are opened until this time and then again during these times tomorrow" the woman said. It felt like I was making arrangements to pick up my dry cleaning. My heart stopped, I'm not sure I said anything at all and then I hung up. Wow, thanks for that..... and then I was anxious to have my son home, with his family.

I called my husband, knowing he would be on his way home, and told him the news. He called me a few minutes later and asked me to meet him in the driveway. It was snowing, cold... figid, actually. I could barely breathe when he took my hand and laid it on the green velour bag that held our son. My husband wanted us to walk him into our home together. He was finally home, where he belonged. I remember feeling utter desperation, complete despair.. but I also remember feeling a sense of relief. It had been a very long two weeks living with the knowledge that Nicholas was not yet at peace... I was grateful that he was now with us.

Earlier that week the funeral home had called to say that Nicholas had arrived from the hospital and that we could bring anything over that we wanted him cremated with. First, we stopped by my parents. My mom had bought Nicholas an outfit and wrote him a note and a dear, dear friend had made him a crocheted afghan. As soon as I saw my parents, I dissolved. No words were spoken. Just hugs and tears. My dad announced that he was going to come with us, as much for himself (I suspect) as for support for us.

I remember barely being able to get out of the car.... walking, hand in hand with my husband, to the front door and stepping inside this place I never, ever imagined having to be for my son. We "spoke" with the lady there for a few minutes and left my dad in the lobby. When we came out, dad was nowhere... maybe he was outside waiting... and then it hit me. The doors to the chapel were closed (they were opened when we arrived) and I just knew that he was in there with his grandson. Meeting him, holding him, caressing him, loving him.

My husband and I had talked about whether we were going to take the opportunity to see Nicholas again. We had decided against it for the simple fact that we had already said goodbye. I wanted to remember his beautiful, fairly warm, pink skinned body..... But, let me tell you, as soon as I realized that my baby boy was just behind those doors there was NOTHING stopping me from seeing him again. I literally felt an electric pull....the deep, unstoppable connection that a mommy feels for her babies. I made sure that it was okay with my husband (as I am still mindful of his feelings) and he assured me that he would support me in whatever I needed to do. We walked through those doors and there he was, in a little white box, covered in a blue blanket, looking totally peaceful. I remember falling to my knees, completely overcome with grief... so weak and powerless. I touched him, I kissed him, I cried and cried and cried and cried for him. BUT, I am so grateful for that experience. I am grateful I was able to physically see my baby boy one last time, with my pillars of strength, my husband and my Dad by my side.

Footprint Inspirations

A friend of mine gave me a book shortly after we lost Nicholas called "The Footprints Book of Daily Inspirations" by Margararet Fishback Powers. I have only read it sporadically, but today came across an 'inspiration' I thought was particularly beautiful.

"Flowers and smiles both need to be shared often. After all, the most beautiful smiles are made with two lips."

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity

As difficult as it is for most of us to smile these days (or at least to truly mean it) I found this thought to be eloquently poignant. Hope you do too.

Love to you all.... xo

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Nicholas' Memorial - November 16, 2008

Nicholas' memorial was beautiful. Small, quiet and full of love. My husband and I decided that we wanted to have a gathering at our home, with our family, some very close friends and neighbours who had stood by us in the weeks leading up to losing Nicholas. Having a large gathering at an impersonal funeral home was not an option for us.

I spent the week leading up to the memorial making scrapbooks, photo albums, memorial notices'.... anything that would keep me busy enough. Anything to keep me from crying 24/7.

My wonderful brother and sister-in-law put the precious pictures we have of our sweet boy into a slideshow and set it to music (maybe one day I will post that). Our guests were emotionally moved by the show... I was honored to share our intimate moments with Nicholas, with the one's we love.

We asked a close neighbour and friend to say some words... He was wonderful. He treated our Nicholas' memory with the dignity and respect he deserves. I will forever be thankful for that.

I went through the day on auto-pilot. A close family friend was there to serve light food and beverages, so I didn't have to worry about that, although I remember often wanting to duck into the kitchen for a break. Again, shock was our friend that day... otherwise I wouldn't have gotten through it.

A big thank you to all who helped prop us up that day.... and in the many days following. We are truly blessed to have such amazing, strong people in our lives.

Love.... xo

Saturday, April 18, 2009

To Get Somewhere You Have To Leave Nowhere Behind

I have been thinking about this sentiment a lot lately; to get somewhere you have to leave nowhere behind.

There have been many things in my life that I have been fearful of. When I was young, and in grade school, I was extremely shy. I would physically get sick if I was requested to answer a question in front of the entire class and forget it if there was a presentation of some kind. I had come a long, long way from being that insecure, afraid little girl.... until my son died.

Back then, challenging my fear was not something I wanted to do, but if I wanted to do well in school and make my teachers proud, I had to conquer that fear. At the time I didn't realize the subtle things I was learning by pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone. I didn't know that my confidence would grow, propelling me to take risks in other areas of my life. The lesson learned was that in order to get somewhere you must leave nowhere behind.

After Nicholas died I found myself living in 'nowhere' land (still do sometimes). That was fine with me. My comfort zone had been shattered, nothing will ever be the same as it was. We have been forced to take this unwanted journey through grief. The pain can be so intense and so powerful, it's often hard to put one foot in front of the other.

"Nowhere" land was just fine for while. I wanted to stay there for a long time. Nowhere became very comfortable... somewhere is not a place I wanted to go.

I still find myself not wanting to go somewhere... to stay in "nowhere" land, but it's that comfort in being nowhere when I think we subconciously make a decision to either stay in 'nowhere' or challenge ourselves - answering a question in front of the class confidently, so to speak. We must work at going somewhere, even though we may be afraid of where somewhere will take us.

I remember thinking that "anywhere is better than nowhere" ... "I am tired, no, exhausted, of feeling so sad all the time". I think that was one of my 'light bulb' moments. It was after recognizing that "anywhere is better than nowhere" that I felt some healing begin. Most days I am still scared as to where this somewhere will take me, take us. The unknown is frightening. We are walking blind. I just wish that there was a crystal ball on the path to 'somewhere'.

Grief is scary, scary stuff. Grief has pounded us, tortured us, exhausted us.... it's definitely hard to get back up sometimes. Yet, somehow we manage to keep breathing, somehow we manage to exist.

It's very scary to go 'somewhere' and leave 'nowhere' behind. I was terrified that that meant leaving Nicholas behind - now I know that that is the furthest from the truth. He will travel with me to 'somewhere'. He will help me get there. He will help me get back up when I stumble along the way. I truly believe that if we acknowledge our pain, confront it, the pain will slowly lessen.... our lives will get a little more manageable. It's all so hard... but if we want to work at it, we can do it.

Writing helps me, as I know it helps many of you wonderful ladies reading here. If writing helps to relieve some pain, then I say go for it. If talking to someone, hugging someone, yelling at the wall helps you, then go for it! I think it's so important for us to let out our emotions.. even the scary ones. It's okay to let others know what you need (or what you don't need). It's a sign of strength to ask for help. Help and support is out there, we should use it. As we express our emotions, we are beginning to heal. We are beginning to go 'somewhere'.

I once heard a quote that said "Even though the deaths of our children have absolutely crushed us, it is because of their lives that we must fight for our lives." Wow, how true is that! I am constantly learning about the little things that I can do to take down my path to 'somewhere', to a happier place. These things are ever changing (I suspect they always will be).

One way that will help me in my quest for going 'somewhere' will eventually be to help others. The love I have for Nicholas can be spread around, to those in need, to those who are new to this journey. I am looking forward to spreading that love when I feel ready to do so.

I think that "to get somewhere you have to leave nowhere behind" will always be a battle. We will forever carry our grief with us, just as we do our precious babies, but I don't want that to mean that we are destined to live a 'grief stricken' life. We will have to fight to go 'somewhere'... fight for a place of hope, for a place of meaning. Fighting is so hard, but I have to believe that it's worth it, we are worth it and our Angels are worth it.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

For Just a Little While

I just came across this poem and really enjoyed it. Hope you do too.

Love to you all... xo

For Just a Little While

For just a little while,
You shared my every breath.
I carried you inside of me,
Dancing out the rhythm
Of the same sweet song,
Our hearts beat in harmony.
For just a little while,
I held you deep within.
I nurtured you with body, mind and soul.

When you slipped away,
The absence of your presence
Took a wrenching and tormenting toll.
For just a little while,
Our dreams and hopes
Grew right along with you.
But they came crashing down
When you slipped away from me
And there was nothing anyone could do.

If, for a little while,
I could hold you once again,
And we could share the
rhythm of our hearts,
If we could say hello, good-bye,
Like loved ones do,
When one of them departs,
If, for a little while,
We could have precious moments
Stopped in time
I’d tell you that I love you,
And I’d share my joy
In knowing you were mine…
For just a little while.

~ Gwen Flowers ~

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Thankful for True Friends

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

I had dinner with a really great friend last night. We were actually best friends back in Kindergarten to grade 3 and then I moved away and we lost touch. Well, through the phenomenon of facebook, we re-connected and came to realize that we live in the same city, yet again (25+ years later). Small world, or what?

She had twins last May. A boy and a girl. She was blessed to have her little girl with her for 2 weeks before she passed. Her little boy is now 11 months and is strong and healthy. We probably would not have gotten together (as much as we said we would on facebook) if it wasn't for the loss of our babies. When my husband, Evan, Kyle and I lost Nicholas in November I reached out to her in a desperate attempt to "connect" with someone who understood my pain. She has been amazing. A true friend and a true support person.

We have been attending support groups together for the last couple of months and having each other there for 'moral' support has proved to be very helpful. I am grateful for her.

She is approaching some hard weeks as the birthday of her twins apporoaches as well as the anniversary of her daughter's passing, etc, etc. I am pulling for her, sending her strength and love of all kinds.

I am so deeply sorry that we have been brought back together under these circumstances, but I am thankful all the same. Love you J.

Sisterhood Awards

A great big thank you to all who have nominated me for this award! And an even bigger thank you for reading our blog and honoring Nicholas by helping his mommy work through her pain.

There are so many of you to whom I feel deeply connected. I am constantly amazed at the love I feel from and for so many woman who are a world away. I will be forever grateful for this avenue of support and friendship.

The rules:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

Amy - Surviving the Day

Amberlee's Mom - Amberlee's Story

Stephanie - Beauty in the Breakdown

Cameron's Mom - I Held An Angel

Carly - Our Tiny Angel Will

Shanti Mama

Hope's Mom - Tuesday's Hope

Barbara - Burble

Emalee - I Am Me

Heather - It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Monday, April 13, 2009

Happy Easter Buddy

Oh how your daddy and I were remembering you this weekend. You should be in this picture, sitting in you bouncy chair in between your brothers. We miss you and all that you could have been.

Love you forever... xo

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Standing Up

My husband sent me this link the other day. Thanks Babe.. xo

I found it to be extremely powerful, so I thought I would share.

Here's to helping each other "get back up".

Standing Up

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Prayers for baby Kaylee and baby Lillian

There is a story in the news here right now about two beautiful little girls. They and their families both need all of the love and prayers they can get tonight and for the days ahead. I am asking my dear, wonderful bloggy friends to keep them in your thoughts.

Baby Kaylee and Lillian's story

With much love,

5 Months Today

I'm not able to write much today.... I am a complete disaster... ahhhh.... Why are these "anniversary" dates so much harder?

Nicholas, my sweet, sweet Angel. We miss you so, so much. Please help mommy and daddy get through today...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

"The Question"

Well, it finally happened. Last night was the first time (or at least the most obvious time) that my husband and I had to answer the question "how many children do you have?" I have to say that as painful as it was, I also felt a sense of relief, peace, to recognize Nicholas as a part of our family somewhere other than in our minds.

Woman - "So, you have two boys?"

Me - "Actually, we have three boys."

Woman - "Oh?"

Husband - "We lost our youngest son last November."

Woman - "Oh, I didn't know... I'm sorry. What happened? Do you want to get into it?"

Me - Shaking head, eyes filling up... quickly. "Probably not a good idea right now, but thank you".

Followed by awkward, awkward silence.

Someone else at the table said "it is a terrible tragedy - there are a lot of people pulling for you, Lea".

A tragedy - you got that right.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Under the Tree - March

Carly, once again, thank you for encouraging these conversations.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby?

We have a table set up in our living/dining room for our Nicholas. On it sits a beautiful memory box with his picture that a dear friend gave us after we lost our angel. I have also framed a poem that I wrote for him in the early days. I have placed the "Caring" Willow Tree Angel that was given to me by my SIL and a gorgeous, ivory votive holder which we light every so often. Another piece sits on his table, it was given to me by another baby lost mommy (whom I have never met). The inscription reads "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

We also have a frame with Nicholas' picture and foot imprints placed together with our other two sons.

Besides thinking of him often, I don't have any rituals in place. I suspect as the years go by (gosh, it hurts to say that) we will begin traditions to honor our son.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I am not a religious person, however, I do feel like I have become a lot more spiritual in the last few months. I believe in Angels, now more than ever, and I believe that there is a Heaven. I have to, because I can't bare the thought of never meeting with my sweet boy again.

I feel Nicholas' presence every minute of every day. He is in my heart, in my soul. I can't say that I have consciously been given a 'sign' from him (although a beautiful butterfly in the middle of a Canadian winter may be one?) I often wish for some kind of sign, some kind of tangible reminder that he is with us... maybe I'm looking too hard. But I know he is with us. The 'signs' to me come when my boys ask about their baby brother, out of nowhere - that takes my breath away.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby?

I have written a few poems since losing Nicholas. This one is one of the first and it sits on his table in our home.

Nicholas’ Touch
Your soul, it touched my heart today,
Like it has many times before.
It feels so real, just like you’re here
I ache to feel it more.

Your time with us was much too short
But an impact you have made.
Our lives have changed, our views have too
Our memories won’t fade.

You were given to us for a reason too deep
For anyone to understand.
I believe you came into our lives
So we could forever feel your hand.

Sometimes I cry because we lost you
And other times I smile.
Because I know deep in my heart
You’re with us all the while.

I’ll always remember your smell, your touch
Those kicks that made me squirm.
You were so strong and brave my boy
Those feelings again, I yearn.

We forever have an Angel now,
Someone to watch over us.
I guess that makes us the lucky ones
In that I have to trust.

My comfort is that you went without pain
And although I miss you so.
My heart, my life is full of love
For our boy we had to let go.

They say things happen as they should
“Life works out for the best”.
I don’t believe that “they” were forced
To face the ultimate test.

Losing a child at any stage
Tests a mommy’s soul.
The pain, it reaches much too deep
It doesn’t leave her whole.

For part of me went with you,
And part of me will stay.
To be a mommy to your brother’s
There is no other way.

I hold them both much closer now,
For you have taught me how.
To see life as a special gift,
That we should live within the now.

I love you buddy
So much it hurts
And that love will continue to grow.
I must believe that there will be one day
We’ll meet again and know…

Your soul, it touched my heart today,
That I know for sure.
I cherish those times we come so close,
For my heart begins to soar.

Please know, my love
You will always be
Engrained in all we do.
You touched our lives like a precious gift,
That precious gift is you.

Mommy xo
January 2009

I actually have printed out quite a few poems, quotes that I have found to be helpful and inspirational. Here are just a few;

"But do not be afraid to cry,
it does relieve the pain,
but remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain".

"When you are walking
down the street
and you've got me on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind".

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair.. one kiss of his mouth.. one touch of his hand.. than an eternity without it.."