Sunday, February 28, 2010

Little Miss Sunshine's Nursery

We have put the finishing touches on Madison's Nursery.... here are some highlights..

Above her crib reads "The Angels Danced The Day You Were Born..." How perfect is that?

First nap in her crib..

Friday, February 26, 2010


I have been thinking about my last post. While everything I wrote is very true and from the heart, there is so much of me that is thankful. Yes, we have been dealt a horrific blow that has forced us down a path of eternal grief, of missing our son. But we have also been blessed. I have been blessed.

I have been blessed with an amazing, loving and supportive family. Parents, brothers, sisters who have stepped up when I needed them most. I have been blessed with a strong, fantastic husband who makes us feel safe and loved. I have been blessed with beautiful friends (both old and new), with hearts of gold and souls of genuine kindness.

Most of all, I have been blessed with four extraordinary children. Each and every one of them teaches me something new each day. They have all taught me to love harder, to laugh louder, to hug tighter...

Evan is our 'smarty pants'. He is wise beyond his years and has such a good heart.

Kyle is our super sensitive boy. He loves hard and feels deeply. He is also the comedian in the family. Very funny boy.

Nicholas is our precious Angel Baby. He continues to teach me the meaning of unconditional love. He teaches me how to dig for my inner strength and he brings such a magical and pure element to our family.

Miss Madison is our beautiful girl. She has already taught me the true meaning of sweet joy and anticipation. She is our sunshine. Our light in what has been a very dark time.

Thank you all for your comments. I struggle. We all do. We all have our own pain. Our own kinds of heartbreak. But I also want to ensure that we try to focus on the positives too. Nicholas and his memory should not be surrounded by negative energy. He deserves so much more.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Next Step

So, I am going to take that next step. I'm going to talk to someone about Nicholas, about what losing him has done to me (the good, the bad and the ugly), about how to tame these demons that seem to battle with my emotions every day.

The guilt.

The guilt is the worst. I know I have said it a hundred times before, but that's what can eat you up. Tear you apart. Make you doubt yourself.

Doubt yourself as a woman. As a daughter. As a friend. As a wife...

And as a mother.

Now add the guilt of still feeling out of sorts sometimes while holding a precious, God sent gift in your arms.

Still missing your baby boy so much that it physically hurts while singing sweet lullaby's to your newborn, living child.

Feeling the most intense kind of grateful that your newest child made it to this world safely while realizing she wouldn't be here if Nicholas was....

Boy, does that sting. To accept the fact that Madison would most likely not be a part of our family had Nicholas survived. That Nicholas had to die in order for his sister to be here... And the guilt marches on.

And then there's the fact that I should be eternally grateful and blessed to have the wonderful, healthy family that I do. And I do. I am. Every single moment. Now, more than ever. But the demons still rear their ugly heads. The fact remains that one precious member of our family is not with us. One of our children died... I was able to bring Maddie home, but couldn't save Nicholas.

I even felt bad today while getting my hair cut and highlighted. Why should I have that luxury when my baby boy sits in an urn on our mantel? It literally makes me sick. I don't feel like I deserve to be pampered. To feel good. Irrational, I know... but the truth all the same.

Nicholas, I pray every day that you know how incredibly sorry Mommy is. That you were wanted just as much as your brothers and sister.

That we love you so much.

Will let you all know how my session goes.... I have to do something. My kids deserve it.

Does this just not melt your heart? Magic.

Am I crazy or is there a tinge of red in her hair??

Monday, February 22, 2010

A Special Request for Love and Support

Hi Everyone,

I wonder if I could ask a favour. Could you please take a couple of moments and pop over to Linda's Blog - If Love Could Have Saved You . She is a sweet, beautiful friend who is in some need of our love and support. I know first hand how much comfort is out there and I am glad that she is joining us to maybe help her through this very difficult journey.

Thank you so much. Love,

Friday, February 19, 2010

Watching over his sister....

My husband bought some shelves the other day. Three corner shelves to hang above Madison's cradle in our bedroom. The idea was to put some special momentos on them, including some of Nicholas' things. I have arranged and rearranged them a hundred times. Nicholas' picture and memory box are there, as are his ashes (man, I find it hard to even type that words - his ashes - sigh...).

He now literally watches over his sister.

As she sleeps.

I know she is well taken care of.

Love you, Buddy.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Our Heaven on Earth

I have always maintained that our family cottage is the closest to place to Heaven on Earth.

It is.

Without a doubt.

It's the place where I grew up.

The place I learned to swim and skip rocks.

The place where roasted marshmallows taste like a million bucks.

The place where, when you look up in the midnight sky, you can see "to infinity and beyond"...

The place where I can sit on the dock with my Dad and have those father/daughter head to heads.

The place where I met and fell in love with my husband.

The place where we married.

The place I remember my beloved 'Gram' the most.

The place we now share with our boys.

Creating memories.

Sharing love.

Just 'being'....

It is also now the place where Nicholas' stones lay... beautifully. On the landscape of our Heaven on Earth. Especially placed, facing the lake. Facing the spot where his brothers play the most. Where he would be if he were here....

His stones overlook our water. The lake which holds so many wonderful memories for us. He has a spectacular view.

We went up this weekend. To the cottage. It was Family Day here so we decided to take advantage of the extra day. It was really nice. Peaceful. Much needed.

We introduced Maddie to the cottage. Funny, I had just said that I didn't feel like Madison was quite "complete" yet because she hadn't been to the cottage. Now she has. And she loved it.....

Friday, February 12, 2010

Look What I Found....

Came up to the computer this morning and this is what I found on the keyboard.

Melt my heart....

The cutout is similar to what I use for "Nicholas'" Angel Wings.

From Brother, Evan (6 years old)

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, Buddy. We love and miss you so much.

Madison's first Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Miss Maddie Update

We went for the follow up pediatrician appointment yesterday and Madison is doing very well. All of the "worrisome" tests done relating to her jaundice came back negative and her bilirubin continues to come down. The doctor said that her hemoglobin count is a little low, but that is to be expected around the 6-8 weeks mark and technically, she is only 4 weeks. So, we just watch her... and love her... and smother her with hugs and kisses...

Night to you all.


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A True Canadian Winter

My husband has worked really, really hard the past couple of winters to build an ice rink in our backyard for the boys. It has been amazing and the boys just love it... and their dad!

Can't get any more Canadian than this!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Mommy's Sunshine

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments on my last post. It is such an incredible comfort to have you all in my life....


Friday, February 5, 2010

On A Lighter Note...

Maddie's First Dress (Mommy just couldn't help herself....)

And some others.....


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Overwhelmed and Overjoyed

I am finally beginning to admit to myself that I overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed and overjoyed.

Overwhelmed with grief, yet overjoyed at being Evan, Kyle, Nicholas and Madison's mommy.

Ever since we got home from the hospital with Maddie I have been experiencing intense flashbacks. Flashbacks of the days leading up to meeting our third, beautiful, son, Nicholas. I find myself lost in the moments of when we learned of Nicholas' condition, the breathtaking silence, the indescribable pain of learning one of your children will most likely die. I flashback to the evening the doctors, genetic counselors and social workers sat across from us and explained that our son practically had no brain. That they were fairly certain that he would not survive childbirth... and if he did, he wouldn't survive for long. What I remember the most is that if he was born alive he may experience pain. He may suffer. He may struggle to breathe....

For us, that was the bottom line. We didn't want him to suffer. We didn't want him to experience any kind of pain. I knew he was happy, healthy and safe inside of me. That's what I wanted him to remember. That's where I wanted him to stay.

We were forced with the most horrendous, heinous decision a parent could ever be faced with. I am angry. So pissed that we were put in that position. Pissed that my body betrayed me when I was carrying such precious cargo. Devastated that I couldn't keep my son safe. So mad... it overtakes me sometimes and I am beyond reason. Beating myself from the inside out.

Sometimes I literally can't breathe. As if there is a giant weight sitting on my chest. I can't take a deep breath. I can't cleanse.... I can't release the burden.

I feel battered, bruised. Weathered beyond repair. I am guilt ridden every day and don't know how to rise above.

I do know that we made the right decision for us, for our family, for Nicholas and for our other children. That is the one constant. Nicholas is free from pain. He only knows love and warmth. He is at peace.

I struggle to find peace in my heart. I struggle with the memories, the images of those final moments, those final kicks. I remember rubbing my belly, talking to our boy, crying like I've never cried before. I remember the doctors entering the room, speaking some beautiful words.... and then I kind of blank out. I remember some key words from the doctors, which still make me cringe today when I hear them... and I remember one last movement before I knew he was gone. I truly think that is the most disturbing part of our journey. The moment I knew our son left this world. He may as well have died in my arms.

And then there is the moment when he actually entered our world. That final push. The one when I knew it was all over. When he was physically gone from me forever. I'll never forget the wail. The primal groan that came from the inner parts of my soul. Nicholas slipped out of me and our world came to a screeching halt.

These are all moments, fears, I re-live often. I want to only remember Nicholas with love, healing and peace... he is such a big, good part of me... of who I am now.

I spoke with my OB the other day. I spoke to him about talking to someone, someone who may be able to help me sort out all of these emotions. It's so complicated. So often I feel lost. I feel loved and supported, but lost in my own mind, my own soul. It really is a horrific struggle. A constant battle of love and hate. Pure joy and utter disillusionment.

I am happy. I am so, so happy and forever grateful for the wonderful family we have. Our children have blessed us in ways we never thought possible. They continue to bring so much joy, fun and fulfillment into our lives. I am constantly amazed at the boys and their love and understanding for their baby brother. The love and compassion they show towards him is beautiful and reassuring that we are helping them through their grief in the right way for them.

And Madison, what a true, true blessing. She is such a special little girl. More special than she will ever know. She makes us smile and enjoy life that much easier.

Heaven certainly has smiled down on us.

I will continue to focus on the beautiful family of 6 that we are. I will focus on sunshine. I will focus on the rainbow while forever remembering the rain......

Monday, February 1, 2010

Angel Lullaby

Have a box of tissue handy..... xo

Angel Lullaby