Half Way... but still so far...

Well, yesterday was the "half way" point of this new pregnancy. It's simply amazing how fast, yet how painfully slow time can pass. I feel like January is a world away and yet I know that the time will probably fly by. I am feeling good - physically. I am feeling the typical pregnancy aches and pains and some days are better than others, but I can truly say that I am eternally grateful to feel each and every moment of this latest journey.

Emotionally, it's a different story. I have been at a loss the last few weeks. I'm not sure if it was passing the 9 month mark of Nicholas' death, the ever impending 1 year anniversary of the day we last held our little boy, receiving his headstone and creating a special garden for him, or finally letting ourselves believe that we may bring home a little brother or sister for him.... I don't know exactly what it is, all I know is that both my husband and I are struggling a bit again.

I can honestly say that after 5-6 months of losing Nicholas I was feeling a little more at peace. We were back into a routine, the kids were keeping us busy... I could look at Nicholas' picture and not tear up at the very thought of never seeing his gorgeous face again... and then BOOM! Huge, long lasting 'grieflett'. It's almost as though I can "feel" it more now. When we first learned of Nicholas' condition and had to go through all the horrendous steps of birthing him and saying goodbye, we were on auto pilot. Shock helped us get through the most terrifying and darkest time of our life and I believe that as devastated as I was those first few months, shock protected my heart. Now, the shock is gone and all that is left is a world of pain, a longing to hold my son again, a desperate need to have him physically here, as a part of our family. That deep, deep ache is suddenly there again, in the pit of my stomach. I hate that this has happened to us. The only thing that does get me through is knowing that Nicholas is not hurting like we are.

I recently saw something on Dr. Phil that struck me. He was speaking to a couple who had lost their 3 year old son in a drowning accident just a couple of years ago. They are still consumed with grief and guilt and searching for help and guidance on how to continue living in a more positive way. Dr. Phil offered a lot of advice. One story he portrayed to the couple as they held each other close was this:

"Imagine your son in Heaven. Every morning all of the children get together for a walk and they light a candle to carry with them. Imagine your son never wanting to join in on this peaceful ritual. One morning your son is asked why he never wants to go on the walk... and this is his answer..."

"I don't like to join in on the walk because every time I light my candle my mommy's tears put it out..."

This story gives me chills and never fails to bring tears to my eyes. I can't bare the thought of my son being uncomfortable and sad to join in on magical activities. I can't bare the thought that I could be holding him back. I want him to go on that walk. I want him to light his candle and have it burn brightly until it is time to put it out. I want him to be happy, at peace and whole... just as he is in my heart.

I love you baby boy. Light your candle and walk free....

Nicholas' Touch has a Button

So, thanks to the help of a friend close by and Holly for helping with posting it.... Nicholas' Touch has a button! I really love it.

I am still working on one for the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique - nothing has "jumped out" at me yet.

Thank you so much.

Please grab my button for your blog if you like! The code is located in the sidebar.

Lea

Our Sunshine

I know that I originally said that I was thinking about starting another blog for this new pregnancy...this new little miracle, however, between not having the time to fully put my mind to creating something new as well as realizing more and more just how much Nicholas is a part of this new baby's life, I have decided that I will document some of our milestones here, on Nicholas' Touch. I hope not to upset or offend anyone.

This new journey, of growing life again after such a tragic loss, is a continuation of the path our life has taken us. What better place to share this new experience than the place I have received so much comfort and strength. Our baby boy, Nicholas and Nicholas' Touch have been such an inspiration to me. An inspiration to allow myself to grieve openly and honestly. An inspiration to reach out to others who are in the same world of pain we are in. An inspiration to love again... wholly and completely. Nicholas has been and will be with us every step of the way throughout this pregnancy. I can feel him... and when I close my eyes at night now, I often feel a sense of calm, peace. I like to believe that peacefulness comes from our very own Guardian Angel.

We had our 19-20 week scan today. We have opted to go downtown Toronto to the specialized hospital for our scans up until now.... more for peace of mind than anything else.

Everything looked very good. I have never seen a sweeter word than the word "normal" all the way down the scan report today. Phew. I do breathe a sigh of relief, however, this time in my pregnancy with Nicholas everything was fine too. It was exactly a week later that all hell broke loose. I don't think that I will fully breathe stress-free until we meet our baby girl in January.

Baby girl. I can't wrap my head around that either. I'm not sure I will know what to do with a girl! I am learning quickly that the doctors will not say with 100% certainty if they think the baby is a girl... no 'tell tale' sign, I guess. I just remember that with Kyle and Nicholas is sooooo obvious they were boys. The technician actually described the baby's sex parts as a "sandwich". Can't say I've ever heard that one before, but we got a kick out of it.

So... we'll see. I won't be painting the nursery pink just yet (although I am aching to).

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Hope

Remembering Sally's special Angel, Hope Angel on her 1st Birthday. Sleep well, sweet girl.

xo

Gram

Eight years ago today a very special woman in my life passed away, somewhat unexpectedly.

Gram

I love you

I miss you

I hope you like the spot we chose for Nicholas at the cottage - not far from you - that was always my hope.

I trust that you are together. That you are holding our sweet Angel tight until we get there.

xoxo

Nicholas' Headstone

We got Nicholas' Headstone this past weekend. Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster. I didn't expect that actually seeing it, the finished product, would put me over the edge once again. There haven't been too many days in the past few months where I have felt like I was right back in the hospital room with our beautiful son. This weekend I was in that moment all over again... aching for him to be here with us... longing to feel him again. All in all, my husband and I were just completely drained, but very pleased with the way his Headstone turned out.

We had decided long ago that we wanted Nicholas to be with us at our family cottage. The place where his mommy and daddy me. The place where his mommy and daddy fell in love. The place where his mommy and daddy got married. The place we call 'Heaven on Earth". What better place for a perfect Angel.

We dug out a spacious garden, bought some hearty bushes (to survive our brutal, Canadian winters) and some flowers to brighten it up. Our 5 year old, Evan, made some of his very own Angel Wings for his brother and placed them in the garden too.

We didn't feel quite ready to place Nicholas under his Headstone yet. He still sits preciously and peacefully on the dresser next to where we sleep. I just don't have the strength or the heart to place him in the dark, cold ground... all alone. Stupid, I know, but stupid's all I got right now. For now, we have 2 beautiful stones that fit perfectly with the 'cottage look'. Two stones to represent our son's time with us... how much does that suck.

BTW - sunflowers are Nicholas' mommy's most favourite flower. Only the best for the best.

Love you all.

Sad Heart, Happy Heart

Is it possible for our hearts to feel both happy and sad? Of course, we all know it's true. We all know the reality of feeling a million different, contradicting emotions at one time. We all know the confusion it presents in our minds, in our souls. I had a couple of those moments yesterday;

#1. Our 3 year old was looking at a picture of Nicholas in our living room and asking the usual questions about why he died, etc. He then, so innocently and assertively, told me that Nicholas had to come back down from Heaven to get his Angel Wings.

#2. We were driving home from a soccer game last night and our 3 year old asked if anyone was at home. I said "no, we are in the car... there is nobody at home right now". Our 5 year old piped up and said "but, Mommy, Nicholas is at home". You are so right buddy, Nicholas is at home, in more ways than one. He is waiting for us.

#3. We had caught a potato bug at the cottage the other day and it died. Our 3 year old was so upset at the fact that the bug had died and wouldn't see his mommy and daddy again. Most children would be upset because the bug was no longer around to play with and torture. K was deeply hurt - sobbing for this little bug's loss of life...

These are most definitely moments that make my heart sad. Sad that our children are so aware of the reality of death. At such a young and impressionable age they are more understanding of what it means to lose someone they love than most grown ups are. It makes my heart ache that they must feel that pain, but I am also so proud of their purity, their innocence and their love for their little brother. They have had to learn such a difficult life lesson so early on, but they remember Nicholas, they love him, they include him in our family.... and that, makes my heart happy.

Something else I thought I'd share. We were at the beach again the other day and our 5 year old snuck off to do something in the sand on his own. This was the finished product...




Hmmmm .... another warm moment.

Thanks boys.

Tomorrow...

Dear Sweet, Sweet, Nicholas,

Nine months.

Wow.

You have been gone from us just as long as you were with us. That is truly a frightening thought.

I want you to know how much I cherished our time together. Every bump in the night, every kick to get my attention, every hiccup.

I can still smell your soft, fresh skin. I can still see your beautiful red hair so vividly in my mind.

We love you so much buddy. I hope you can still feel it...

xo

Thank you - Angel Wings Memorial Boutique

A big heartfelt thank you to a few very special women who have generously donated to the Angel Wings Memorial Project. I feel very blessed to be able to continue this initiative with the love and support of others.

Thank you.

If anyone would like to request a pair of Angel Wings or make a contribution to continuing the project, please email me at - lcreeves3@hotmail.com

Blog Button?

Hi Ladies,

Does anyone know or have any suggestions on how to get a blog button? I'm still not very good at all this "techy" stuff.

Thanks!

Mama Gorrila's Grief and Triumph

The following story is both heartbreaking and hopeful. We can all relate beyond words. Mama Gorrila's Grief

Very powerful.

xo