Thursday, August 27, 2009

Half Way... but still so far...

Well, yesterday was the "half way" point of this new pregnancy. It's simply amazing how fast, yet how painfully slow time can pass. I feel like January is a world away and yet I know that the time will probably fly by. I am feeling good - physically. I am feeling the typical pregnancy aches and pains and some days are better than others, but I can truly say that I am eternally grateful to feel each and every moment of this latest journey.

Emotionally, it's a different story. I have been at a loss the last few weeks. I'm not sure if it was passing the 9 month mark of Nicholas' death, the ever impending 1 year anniversary of the day we last held our little boy, receiving his headstone and creating a special garden for him, or finally letting ourselves believe that we may bring home a little brother or sister for him.... I don't know exactly what it is, all I know is that both my husband and I are struggling a bit again.

I can honestly say that after 5-6 months of losing Nicholas I was feeling a little more at peace. We were back into a routine, the kids were keeping us busy... I could look at Nicholas' picture and not tear up at the very thought of never seeing his gorgeous face again... and then BOOM! Huge, long lasting 'grieflett'. It's almost as though I can "feel" it more now. When we first learned of Nicholas' condition and had to go through all the horrendous steps of birthing him and saying goodbye, we were on auto pilot. Shock helped us get through the most terrifying and darkest time of our life and I believe that as devastated as I was those first few months, shock protected my heart. Now, the shock is gone and all that is left is a world of pain, a longing to hold my son again, a desperate need to have him physically here, as a part of our family. That deep, deep ache is suddenly there again, in the pit of my stomach. I hate that this has happened to us. The only thing that does get me through is knowing that Nicholas is not hurting like we are.

I recently saw something on Dr. Phil that struck me. He was speaking to a couple who had lost their 3 year old son in a drowning accident just a couple of years ago. They are still consumed with grief and guilt and searching for help and guidance on how to continue living in a more positive way. Dr. Phil offered a lot of advice. One story he portrayed to the couple as they held each other close was this:

"Imagine your son in Heaven. Every morning all of the children get together for a walk and they light a candle to carry with them. Imagine your son never wanting to join in on this peaceful ritual. One morning your son is asked why he never wants to go on the walk... and this is his answer..."

"I don't like to join in on the walk because every time I light my candle my mommy's tears put it out..."

This story gives me chills and never fails to bring tears to my eyes. I can't bare the thought of my son being uncomfortable and sad to join in on magical activities. I can't bare the thought that I could be holding him back. I want him to go on that walk. I want him to light his candle and have it burn brightly until it is time to put it out. I want him to be happy, at peace and whole... just as he is in my heart.

I love you baby boy. Light your candle and walk free....

21 comments:

Just Breathe said...

I wasn't sure if I would like what Dr. Phil was going to say but I think that was a very simple/nice way to view it. Thank you for sharing it. Take care and God Bless.

Fireflyforever said...

There is such a lot here that resonates with how we've been feeling too. All the feelings surrounding this subsequent pregnancy and the drawing closer of the one year milestone. It feels gruelling. Holding you in my thoughts, Lea.

I love the image of our children holding a candle lit vigil for us. I bet their lights burn so brightly.

Holly said...

Wow! Halfway!! I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you lately emotionally and that's totally understandable. Thanks for sharing what Dr. Phil said. He always seems to have a good way of putting things.

Courtney said...

Oh Lea, that story that Dr Phil told gave me the chills. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Wishing you a peaceful heart the rest of your pregnancy my dear friend.
*hugs*

Shanti Mama said...

It has been awhile, Lea. Glad I stopped back in. The title of this post makes so much sense. I can imagine. Sending you love and hugs.

Tracey said...

Tears Lea. Thanks for sharing that story.

I hate that this happened to you as well.

Thinking of you at this important milestone and wishing you much love.

Bluebird said...

You know -- I like that :)

Congratulations on the halfway mark. Holding you all in my thoughts.

Tina said...

Reading that story has brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of our babies being sad in Heaven because we are sad, just hurts even more. Thank you for sharing this and I hope the 2nd half of your pregnancy is wonderfully uneventful!

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

That story is very sweet. I can't imagine what you must be feeling during this pregnancy, but I pray that you enjoy every minute with this new life!
xo
Ashley

Jaime said...

Thank you for sharing that story, Lea. You and your new baby are in my prayers.

I nominated you for an Honest Scrap award. Check out the details on my blog.

Lesley said...

Lea, thank you for sharing that story. I can identify with the changing grief and with the grief bursts. Some days are better than others. I can go for weeks with out crying, then all of a sudden BAM! out of no where grief strikes me down.

I think it is so much harder after a loss, to feel the innocent joy in a pregnancy- because we have had our innocence stripped from us, we know the other side and have a great fear of 'what if'.

Wishing you a little peace in your heart as Nicholas' little light shines down upon you.

Tears from missing him will not extinguish his little light, as long as you let him know it is ok to go, ok to fly, ok to be where he is, ok to enjoy the splendor of God's kingdom, and one day, he will be there to greet you and say "mommy come with me, I want to introduce you to my friends!"

Hugs to you Lea. I can barely type through my tears XOXOX

JenJen said...

The Dr. Phil story gives me goosebumps!

I know exactly how you feel though with getting to the half-way point. I'm 22 weeks today and only have to make it to 34 weeks and it still feels like a lifetime away.

Yaya said...

(((Hugs)))


I was wondering.....would it be alright with you if I "copy" your angel wing idea to make and send in my care packages? I've started a site:
www.tearsformybaby.com
You helped inspire me to do this!!!!!

Once A Mother said...

beautiful...

Nan & Mike said...

Thanks for sharing Lea, and I am happy you are half way there. Sending you every positive vibe in my being! Hugs, Nan xo

Cheryl said...

Hi Lea,

You have been an inspiration and support for me since I have started blogging after the loss of my 17 month old son Caleb.

I have awarded you a "Friend Award" on my updated blog tonight. Thanks for sharing your life with us in blog land :)

With love and hope,
Cheryl

Steph said...

I know you don't really know me but I have been inspired by your honesty so I have nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.

Lisa said...

Lea, Half way that is great. That story was beautiful. I also nominated you for the honest scrap award. Pleas check out my blog for the details. HUGS!

lost--for--words said...

I want to pass on the Honest Scrap Award to you, too. I can really relate to everything you write.

Yaya said...

Congratulations on half way!


(((Hugs)))

Malory said...

I saw that show very shortly after losing my daughter Janessa...I totally lost it in tears...I think of those words so often.

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