Half Way... but still so far...

Well, yesterday was the "half way" point of this new pregnancy. It's simply amazing how fast, yet how painfully slow time can pass. I feel like January is a world away and yet I know that the time will probably fly by. I am feeling good - physically. I am feeling the typical pregnancy aches and pains and some days are better than others, but I can truly say that I am eternally grateful to feel each and every moment of this latest journey.

Emotionally, it's a different story. I have been at a loss the last few weeks. I'm not sure if it was passing the 9 month mark of Nicholas' death, the ever impending 1 year anniversary of the day we last held our little boy, receiving his headstone and creating a special garden for him, or finally letting ourselves believe that we may bring home a little brother or sister for him.... I don't know exactly what it is, all I know is that both my husband and I are struggling a bit again.

I can honestly say that after 5-6 months of losing Nicholas I was feeling a little more at peace. We were back into a routine, the kids were keeping us busy... I could look at Nicholas' picture and not tear up at the very thought of never seeing his gorgeous face again... and then BOOM! Huge, long lasting 'grieflett'. It's almost as though I can "feel" it more now. When we first learned of Nicholas' condition and had to go through all the horrendous steps of birthing him and saying goodbye, we were on auto pilot. Shock helped us get through the most terrifying and darkest time of our life and I believe that as devastated as I was those first few months, shock protected my heart. Now, the shock is gone and all that is left is a world of pain, a longing to hold my son again, a desperate need to have him physically here, as a part of our family. That deep, deep ache is suddenly there again, in the pit of my stomach. I hate that this has happened to us. The only thing that does get me through is knowing that Nicholas is not hurting like we are.

I recently saw something on Dr. Phil that struck me. He was speaking to a couple who had lost their 3 year old son in a drowning accident just a couple of years ago. They are still consumed with grief and guilt and searching for help and guidance on how to continue living in a more positive way. Dr. Phil offered a lot of advice. One story he portrayed to the couple as they held each other close was this:

"Imagine your son in Heaven. Every morning all of the children get together for a walk and they light a candle to carry with them. Imagine your son never wanting to join in on this peaceful ritual. One morning your son is asked why he never wants to go on the walk... and this is his answer..."

"I don't like to join in on the walk because every time I light my candle my mommy's tears put it out..."

This story gives me chills and never fails to bring tears to my eyes. I can't bare the thought of my son being uncomfortable and sad to join in on magical activities. I can't bare the thought that I could be holding him back. I want him to go on that walk. I want him to light his candle and have it burn brightly until it is time to put it out. I want him to be happy, at peace and whole... just as he is in my heart.

I love you baby boy. Light your candle and walk free....