tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64975976731301574612024-03-13T14:08:53.586-04:00Nicholas' TouchEvery life is precious, no matter how short, no matter how fragile...Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.comBlogger385125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-16528119260277335882019-04-20T13:45:00.001-04:002019-04-20T13:45:13.428-04:00Those DaysThe days when we struggle... struggle to make sense of it all... struggle to accept that one of our precious babes is no longer with us... struggle to see the good... the positives.... the hope....<br />
<br />
Those days when we ache... ache for the weight of our baby in our arms... ache to feel the jabbing kicks one more time... ache to smell their smell again... ache to kiss them... ache to have them back....<br />
<br />
Those days when we fail to see light.... when the darkness seems too powerful... when the silence is too deafening....<br />
<br />
Those days when the horrific, unthinkable memories emerge... rear it's ugly, dead baby, head... when the guilt brings you to your knees... unable to breathe... unable to think...<br />
<br />
Those days.... those days... they have to happen....<br />
<br />
Those days we have to bare<br />
<br />
Those days we must face<br />
<br />
Those days make way for the brighter days<br />
<br />
Those days lead us to a path of gentle healing<br />
<br />
Those days will always exist<br />
<br />
Those days will always co-mingle with the new found joy<br />
<br />
Those days knock you down, sometimes much further then you wish<br />
<br />
Those days are a cruel reminder of your reality, your new normal<br />
<br />
Those days....<br />
<br />Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-69146842470564392322016-11-21T12:24:00.001-05:002016-11-21T12:26:05.319-05:00Happy 8, Nicholas!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sUxQl3wr26g/WDMsalucx1I/AAAAAAAACiw/phRb1CTD8rUEIKW3ztOoiAeyc8z9pd7rACLcB/s1600/20161106_160715.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sUxQl3wr26g/WDMsalucx1I/AAAAAAAACiw/phRb1CTD8rUEIKW3ztOoiAeyc8z9pd7rACLcB/s320/20161106_160715.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nicholas' 8th Birthday ~ Balloon Release 2016<br />
Thank you to all
the beautiful lights that took time to celebrate Nicholas with us this
afternoon.... the sun was perfect, warm and comforting and the energy
was indescribable.<br />
We are very humbled to have such wonderful,
supportive and loving souls in our lives ~ those that wrap their
friendship around our entire family <span class="_47e3 _5mfr" title="heart emoticon"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" src="https://www.facebook.com/images/emoji.php/v6/f6c/1/16/2764.png" width="16" /><span class="_7oe"><3 span=""></3></span></span><br />
Love you all.</td></tr>
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Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-37739565101782883552016-02-12T16:13:00.002-05:002016-02-12T16:13:45.925-05:00Strength and my "Why"I have been led on a different path the past several months. A more positive path. A more productive path. A more energetic path. A path that finally feels like 'home'.<br />
<br />
My "why" on this new journey has transformed along the way. It has reshaped many beliefs and molded new ones. I have learned so much about myself and continue to strive to live out of my comfort zone.<br />
<br />
In analyzing my "why" and the hills and valley's along the way I continue to come back to this; <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vuKRhEITVdQ/Vr5IO-BqewI/AAAAAAAACiM/JgfcTGLZ4nI/s1600/strong.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vuKRhEITVdQ/Vr5IO-BqewI/AAAAAAAACiM/JgfcTGLZ4nI/s320/strong.jpg" width="233" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I often don't feel like I was very 'strong' when faced with the devastation of Nicholas' death. I felt numb mostly. Certainly not strong. When I look back at the raw days, months and years after saying hello and goodbye in one breath, to one of my own... I didn't feel strong. I felt broken. For a long, long time. <br />
<br />
In the journey of grieving Nicholas I feel like I have cultivated strength. Strength from the many friends and family who have supported us 100% along the way. Strength from the perfect strangers around the world who remember our boy when they look at their baby's angel wings. Strength from Nicholas' legacy..... the strength and perseverance of that little baby boy could not be matched. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My ‘Why’ ~ Story of Change<br />
<br />
In May of 2015 my life and the life
of my family was enhanced on so many levels. We decided to embrace a
new, simple lifestyle in an effort to put more pure, whole food
nutrition into our bodies. The results of adding a variety of over 30
additional fruits, vegetables, grains and berries into our daily routine
has been incredible. Not only are we feeling exuberant amounts of
energy to get through our normally crazy days, but we are losing excess<span class="text_exposed_show">
weight, gaining muscle, experiencing smooth, vibrant skin, etc. etc.….
Most importantly, we are focused on maintaining a lifestyle filled with
joy, fun, love, health and fitness!</span><br />
<br />
I immediately fell head over heels with the way we were feeling and
started sharing our experience with the people I love and care about
most. This is when my ‘why’ transformed. My family is my ‘why’, yes.
However, in this journey I have come to realize that my ‘why’ is so much
more, so much deeper than I had ever dreamed. This opportunity has
allowed me to get my ‘why’ back. I have found me again.<br />
<br />
Just
over 7 years ago I lost a big part of me when our son, Nicholas, died.
For years I have gone through the motions, enjoyed my family and living
children, absolutely, but something was always missing… I often felt
like I was in a fog, always carried a tremendous amount of guilt and
grief. Reaching out, comforting others in similar situations and
creating a legacy through Nicholas’ Touch has helped to soothe my soul,
but this recent journey into a healthier me/us has helped me to rise up
on some many levels.<br />
<br />
It has allowed me the confidence to believe
in myself again. It has allowed me to strength and the will power to
reach for the stars. It has allowed me the chance to touch people’s
lives in such a profound way. It has allowed me the opportunity to be a
part of such a strong, supportive and loving community of inspiring
people. The energy that fills the room when we are all together is
phenomenal and infectious. I am so very grateful that this new road
found me several months ago….<br />
<br />
Onward and upward!<br />
<br />
Feeling empowered. Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-51686004368581777212016-01-07T11:09:00.001-05:002016-01-07T11:09:14.398-05:00Missing you today....One of those days.<br />
<br />
Those days that you feel like the breath is being sucked out of your soul....<br />
<br />
I miss you everyday, son, but today I feel something looming over my heart.<br />
<br />
Mommy grief.<br />
<br />
Grief that thickens and threatens and intimidates.<br />
<br />
Then I look at the date.<br />
<br />
January 7.<br />
<br />
Funny how the heart just 'feels' those markers differently.<br />
<br />
xxLeahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-9947981706802592882015-10-26T11:01:00.002-04:002015-10-26T11:01:49.299-04:00This time of year....I have been asked to speak to some health professionals at our local hospital as a piece of their perinatal bereavement training.<br />
<br />
Here is my speech.<br />
<br />
Love you, Nicholas.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hospital Talk - 2015</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Good Afternoon, Everyone and welcome,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am honoured to be here and I would like to thank Kemayla
for inviting me to share our story with all of you today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you to all of you as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sure you have had a long, emotionally
draining day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I appreciate your time and
your willingness to engage and learn about a subject that is often thought of
as taboo or too difficult to deal with in a compassionate way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As this date approached I felt a little uneasy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For obvious reasons, of course, but the more
I examined my heightened anxiety I realized the date.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7 years ago tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was 35 weeks pregnant with our third son.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
October 28, 2008<br />
<br />
The day our world stopped. The day we were told that part of our baby boy's
brain had not formed. The day we had to make the most unimaginable decision of
our lives.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This time of year marks the most tortures, unforgiving emotional
ride as we re- live the days leading up to meeting our baby boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
grief thickens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s deep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s raw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are desperate for just one more glimpse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ache for one more touch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We imagine
his face at each family gathering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
feel him in our souls.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our journey through grief began 7 years ago when our
youngest son, Nicholas passed away .</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is our story…..</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seven years <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ago my
husband and I received the most devastating, unbearable and confusing news any
parent can hear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our third son, the baby
we had planned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The baby we grew with,
the baby we loved… was in a desperately grave condition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were forced to face any parents worst
torture ~ the unfathomable reality that our beloved child was unable to survive
outside of the womb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact that our
son’s ultimate fate was death – even before he drew his first breath.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My pregnancy was eventful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At almost 20 weeks I was rushed to the
hospital and had emergency surgery to remove an 8 cm cyst that had twisted my
ovary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life-saving surgery for both
myself and baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several doctor’s,
nurses and technicians assured us that our baby boy was just fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Safe, healthy and totally oblivious to the
pain mommy was experiencing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember
constantly thanking God for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
gladly took every ounce of pain just knowing that our baby was thriving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As much as his strong kicks hurt my
incisions, the tears I shed were those of gratitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember every kick …. Every hiccup and I
rejoiced in the fact that we had survived such a life threatening event.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was released from the hospital and went home to rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Quite a few weeks later, during a routine
scan, my OB requested I be seen by a high risk doctor to rule out any possible
problems with our baby’s ventricles in the brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My OB was fairly certain everything was fine,
but with everything we went through to get there, he wanted to be sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hardly thought about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just an over cautious doctor, which I was
grateful for.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In just a few short weeks our lives changed from anxiously expecting
another beautiful, healthy son very shortly to living a nightmare in which we
would never wake from.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The high risk doctor confirmed that our baby’s ventricles
were indeed enlarged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grossly
enlarged….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She immediately sent us to
Mt. Sinai hospital where we endured many questions, tests and long, agonizing
waits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t remember much about that day, especially the latter
half.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember being escorted into an
office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were pictures of African
animals everywhere…. A trip the owner of the office had taken, no doubt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pictures of smiling children, happy families…
seemingly taunting us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember my
eyes being glazed over like they have never been before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember holding my husband’s hand so
tightly.. for fear I would melt to the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We sat and we listened through the sobs to the doctors talking about our
baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our perfect little boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The baby who we were told was perfectly fine
just a week ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We listened as they
told us that his sweet little brain had ceased to develop or it had recessed
after my attack, my surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All that
continued to run through my head was that I deprived my own child the very
oxygen and blood necessary to grow….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
failed him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I failed my husband, I
failed his brothers who were so desperately awaiting his arrival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I failed his grandparents…his Aunts, his
Uncles….. I failed myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A week later, at 35 weeks pregnant, I was induced and our
beautiful baby boy was born….. sound asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will always remember that overwhelming feeling, just moments after I
felt him leave my body, of hoping beyond hope for a cry… that somehow the
doctor’s were wrong… that he fought through… I prayed for some kind of miracle
as the primal screams of desperation escaped me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were able to spend so much precious, memorable time with
our boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We named him Nicholas Warren
and he was perfect. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s still as
perfect as ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has such a strong
presence in our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nicholas is
loved, remembered and honoured every single day in our home.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fast forward to today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wish I could say that this all makes sense now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That there is some greater purpose of forever
walking this road of missing our baby boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m not ready to say that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll
never be ready to say that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today, none
of what happened makes any sense to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will never accept that our baby had to die for a reason or that God
has another plan for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
believe that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I certainly don’t embrace
it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I do know is that somewhere along my
journey I made a promise to myself, my family and especially to Nicholas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised that the anguish that resides in
my heart over losing him will not define me, but rather, the gratitude and
distinct honour of being chosen to be his mommy will soar above all else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a baby loss mom the message I try to convey today to
others facing this devastating tragedy is that after surviving the
unimaginable, there is hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are
lighter and brighter days down the road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No matter how far along we are in this journey we must remember to be
gentle on ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be patient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love and be loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sadness, the desperation, the anger…
these feelings are all a part of the process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let yourself go to those dark places, but please, remember the light
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As difficult as it is to accept
that time marches on while our world has seemingly come to a crashing halt….
time is our ally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time softens the
pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time allows us to remember the good
and not always the bad.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that I will always physically ache for Nicholas. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For his body in my body, his soul in my
soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A mother’s love is endless. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="st">No one
</span><em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">else</span></em><span class="st"> will ever </span><em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">know</span></em><span class="st"> the strength of
my love for you, buddy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all,
you're the only one who </span><em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">knows what my heart sounds
like from the inside</span></em><span class="st">. <b>...</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As much as I long to have Nicholas here, playing among his
older brothers and protecting his baby sister, I feel like the“ache” has transformed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have learned to allow joy and grief to cohabitate
in my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never ceases to amaze me
how such definitive opposites can co-mingle so gracefully.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A very old friend once said to me; “I am not a religious
person, however I have always believed in Guardian Angels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How bittersweet that you got to meet
yours”…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what a truly beautiful
perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an image that speaks
to my heart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t say that my personal journey has always been
graceful or kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I can most
definitely say that it hasn’t been easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some days are just plain hard, cruel and messy, but others are full of
hope, joy and an abundance of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
suppose it will always be that way. One feeling trying to overpower the
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two completely different sets of
emotions delicately balancing in my heart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Four years we had a very special vision to celebrate and
honour Nicholas on his birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our
family, along with some very generous friends and family, have created some
special Hospital Memory/Comfort Boxes for the labour and delivery ward at Southlake
Regional Health Center. Although my feelings are mixed (I wish these types of
boxes weren’t needed at all) the donation of the Comfort Boxes has become a tradition
on Nicholas’ birthday… as well as if there is a need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is my understanding and my experience that
not too much exists in terms of tangible care and support when you are forced
to leave the hospital with empty arms.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is our hope to provide items in these packages to newly
bereaved parents that may help in memorializing their babies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When parents are forced to face the
unimaginable; saying goodbye to their children, tangible things such as
pictures and hand/footprints aren’t often thought about until it’s too
late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our goal is to offer comforting
options... options that are not typically thought of in the fresh stages of
grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was told years ago that one of the first boxes had to be
gifted…. What an intrinsically bittersweet moment that was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only hope that the family knows how
genuinely and incredibly sorry I am that they now find themselves on this
journey… one where I have walked and wept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I
desire that knowing others have walked through this anguish gives them hope…
that they know that they are not alone in what often feels like a very lonely
journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope that they can feel my
arms around them as I weep with them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
We have gone from deep, deep despair
and sadness to feeling a sense of strength for enduring such heartache. We have
gone from utter hopelessness to hopefulness in bringing a new baby home to our
family. We have gone from missing our baby boy so intensely in the ravages of
new grief to remembering him, talking about him and including him in our family
every chance we get.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
The past seven years have been intense,
unpredictable and full of unimaginable grief, but they have also been filled
with hope, inspiration and an incredible amount of healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although it is painful to not have Nicholas
here with us, his spirit and his legacy have infused our family with
indomitable strength and immeasurable love over the past 7 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We remember him often, we honour him daily,
we love him unconditionally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is
forever a part of our hearts and our souls.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I believe that our loved
ones are never too far away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are in
the whispers of the wind, the first spring bloom of the season… the fluffy,
white snowflakes that melt on our nose…they are in the crimson sunsets and
marshmallow clouds…they are flying on butterfly wings and they are in the
ladybug that lands and decides to stay for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They with us always… holding our hearts tight
and offering sweet comfort as we remember and pay tribute….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are in the light of our flames <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>as we light our candles… they are in the tears
that fall and they are in the embraces we receive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where ever you choose to “see” your Angel is
the perfect spot… embrace those moments… there are always more to come.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I can only imagine that when
faced with such shock and sadness ,your job, as health professionals, becomes a
very difficult one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One that most do not
want to face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One that most feel
incredibly uncomfortable with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope
that today has been gentle on all of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I hope today’s training and our sharing has provided some encouragement
of how to approach such profound loss… it is never easy, nor should it be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being in the positions that you are in , you
already have a special and compassionate heart….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust that heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feel it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Connect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
“<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Bereaved parents never forget the understanding, respect, and genuine
warmth they received from caregivers, which can become as lasting and important
as any other memories of their lost pregnancy or their baby’s brief life.”</span></em></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This is also, of course, true for the flip side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can honestly say that we experienced both
extremes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From inconsiderate platitudes,
accusations and utter lack of compassion to above and beyond care for our baby
and our hearts…</span></em></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 6;">
<br /></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I will forever be grateful for both perspectives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They allow me to appreciate the human spirit
in a beautiful light…</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Thank you for taking the time to share in Nicholas’ story</span></em><em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">You are apprecitated.</span></em></div>
Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-76812159252344698602015-01-27T14:16:00.002-05:002015-01-27T14:16:39.737-05:00You Are My Greatest AdventureI have been horrible. <br />
<br />
I yearn to write, yet the words seem stuck. I feel when I write, yet I am unsure of what I feel. I have to write, yet I don't make the time....<br />
<br />
Guilty, guilty, guilty. Seems to be the common theme.<br />
<br />
The holidays were heavy. I felt like a gloomy cloud hung over my head everywhere I went... like the weight of my heart would collapse at any given moment. The reality of heightened grief over the holidays threatened to cave me...to knot my soul and destroy my spirit.<br />
<br />
Sometimes it sneaks up on you. The uncontrollable emotion of hopelessness. Other times it lingers and slowly breaks you down no matter how hard you try to conquer it. This year I felt defeated. Like my positive attitude wasn't enough. The powerful foe had gotten under my skin. Invaded my thoughts and had just plain gotten me down.<br />
<br />
Through the years I have learned that grief.... this tumultuous journey we are on doesn't always make sense. In fact, it almost never makes sense. The feelings in my heart and head are contradicting ones. There are times when I feel part of a tug of war... joyous and blessed in one moment yet anxious and beaten down the next.<br />
<br />
I picked up a sign the other day... a rustic, barn board type of sign. It says "you are my greatest adventure". I loved it as soon as I saw it. It drew me in and my mind began to race at all of the possible meanings this sign has in my life. Life is most definitely an adventure. A ride full of ups and downs, sharp turns, steep hills and stormy seas. It is also full of joy, love, kindness and many, many blessings. Our middle son, Kyle, read the sign when I brought it home and asked me what it meant. I told him that 'you' are my greatest adventure. Daddy, Evan, Kyle, Nicholas and Madison are my greatest adventure in this life... my greatest loves and my greatest adventure. And then the question; "what about 'Blossom', is she not part of your adventure?" Be still my heart. From our fabulous, insightful, gentle Kyle....<br />
<br />
I felt a pang and the guilt and reality of it all quickly set in again... my sweet boy is right. 'Blossom' is a part of our adventure. She gently came into our lives and then left in an unspoken moment...<br />
<br />
Our adventure is ever changing. An adventure full of glorious things and an adventure full of horrendous things... whatever my adventure is it is certainly worth fighting for.Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-35065209859103275892014-10-29T09:10:00.000-04:002014-10-29T11:48:07.210-04:00October 28, 2008 - The Beginning of the End ~ His Journey's Just Begun<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_U_DDTuLLRRU/ScuH5XjaCAI/AAAAAAAAAGE/1AArncr92-c/s1600-h/Our+Baby+Nicholas+054.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_U_DDTuLLRRU/ScuH5XjaCAI/AAAAAAAAAGE/1AArncr92-c/s200/Our+Baby+Nicholas+054.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317493204685817858" style="float: left; height: 150px; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 200px;" /></a><br />
Today ~ October 29, 2014<br />
<br />
These next 2 weeks mark the most torturess, unforgiving emotional ride.... This time of year is hard. We love you sweet boy. Today, always and forever.<br />
<br />
His Journey's Just Begun<br />
<br />
Don't think of him as gone away~<br />
his journey's just begun,<br />
life holds so many facets~<br />
this earth is only one.<br />
<br />
Just think of him as resting<br />
from the sorrows and the tears<br />
in a place of warmth and comfort<br />
where there are no days and years.<br />
<br />
Think how he must be wishing<br />
that we could know today<br />
how nothing but our sadness<br />
can really pass away.<br />
<br />
And think of him as living<br />
in the hearts of those he touched...<br />
for nothing loved is ever lost~<br />
and he was loved so much.<br />
<br />
~E. Brenneman <br />
<br />
<br />
October 28, 2008<br />
<br />
The day our world stopped. The day we were told that part of our baby boy's brain had not formed. The day we had to make the most unimaginable decision of our lives.<br />
<br />
We were scheduled into the high risk pregnancy hospital that afternoon for a number of tests because an ultrasound had shown that the ventricles in our baby's head were larger than normal. My husband and I made the 1/2 hour drive into Toronto and, to be honest, our spirits were hopeful. We certainly had a million questions, but how bad could it be right? I was 33 weeks and had several ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy - every single one was "fine" - until the last one. How could something so catastrophic not been seen earlier??<br />
<br />
When we got to the clinic I had blood taken, then we had the amnio... and then the "detailed ultrasound" performed by one of the head doctors. He studied our baby for a long, long time (all the while making small talk). I remember him telling us about his daughter and a big house they had bought not too far from where we lived...I look back now and wonder how in the world he could talk so casually when he could clearly see the trouble our baby was in.<br />
<br />
The doctor was called away for what felt like hours and during that time my husband and I tried to remain calm... we didn't know anything for sure at this point. My husband looked at the transcript from the previous ultrasound and figured things were fairly positive (he has some training in the medical field and can read the jargon). When the doctor finally returned he probed my belly again and asked if he and the doctor we had been seeing (who was now in the room) could speak with each other freely. Sure. I didn't understand a single thing they were saying, but something deep in my soul knew that none of it was good. I kept looking at my husband for some kind of reassurance.... nothing. He just kept shaking his head and looking really concerned. When my husband looks concerned I know there's trouble.<br />
<br />
The doctors finished up and we were sent to wait in the waiting room... for what we now know was the worst news of our life.<br />
<br />
We were taken into the genetic councilor's office and shut the door. Oh God...<br />
<br />
"Part of the baby's brain has not formed at all" the words went through me like a sword. "There was some kind of insult to the baby", probably during or after my emergency surgery at 20 weeks, "There is a high chance that the baby will not make it through labour or for very long once he is born" .... my vision is blurry now, I am staring blankly at who knows what, I don't hear them anymore. "If the baby is born alive we cannot guarantee what quality of life he will have... with half the brain missing...." "Everyone has different views and ideas of what quality of life is....there are options for you." Options, are you serious??!!!<br />
<br />
After a while we were left alone in that office.... to scream, to sob, to shake uncontrollably. Our first and foremost thought was that we did not want our precious baby boy to suffer. We did not want him to be born gasping for breath, struggling to stay alive. We did not want him on life support and we did not want our beautiful boy to be attached to tubes and needles. We also felt like we had to think about our two boys at home... there were 5 people to think about. I will never forget my husband saying that. I don't remember too much, but that I remember. It struck a chord and resonated in my breaking heart.<br />
<br />
The decision to let him go, without a doubt, was the most heart-wrenching, soul-searing, horrendous decision we have had to ever, ever had to make, but I truly believe we made it out of love. I have to believe that we spared him the pain, the suffering that he would have inevitably endured, regardless of the outcome.<br />
<br />
I pleaded with the doctors not to send me home that night.... I really didn't know how to face anyone. But there are policies, of course. We were sent home to writhe in our pain... to start grieving our little boy who was still actively kicking and pushing his mommy's belly.<br />
<br />
We waited 4 days to get an MRI scheduled. The MRI was to 110% confirm the findings (which we were all for). <br />
<br />
That was Friday, October 31, 2008 - Halloween Day. And that is for another post.<br />
<br />
My heart and soul ache for you Nicholas..... we love you more every day... xoLeahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-24299183881639493142014-10-22T15:10:00.002-04:002014-10-29T11:35:00.439-04:00Nicholas' 6th Angel Day - Honouring and Remembering...<div class="rmTopSpacer rmTop">
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Nicholas' 6th Angel Day ~ Honouring and Remembering</h2>
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<a class="t_atc ICName" href="https://www.blogger.com/null"> leanna reeves </a> </div>
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<span class="Date TextSizeSmall"> 16/10/2014 </span> </div>
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Dear Friends and Family,<br />
<br />
It is difficult to
believe that our son, Nicholas' 6th Angel Day is approaching. As much
as time helps to soothe the soul, this time of year never fails to bring
with it intense nerves and unexpected waves of grief. Nicholas'
beautiful face, his tiny hands that wrapped around his daddy's, his
sweet, baby smell are all such precious memories.... we just wish there
was more time. Every year is hard. <br />
<br />
Although this time of year
is particularly challenging we also feel incredibly grateful that
Nicholas' short life has been able to impact so many others in a
positive way. Nicholas' legacy is infectious.... he continuously wraps
his family with unconditional love, peace and strength...<br />
<br />
Every
year our family chooses to remember Nicholas in a unique way. This year
we are honoured to share with you an incredible journey of faith, hope
and love... It is our wish that our son will be remembered as we <b><i>also</i></b> celebrate an amazingly beautiful person in our lives.<br />
<br />
Please take a few moments to read the story at the link below.<br />
<br />
<b><a class="" href="https://www.southlakefoundation.ca/tributeevents/Event.aspx?event=DACBF28AE7E04229B12ACD8FD5B24EFD" target="">https://www.southlakefoundation.ca/tributeevents/Event.aspx?event=DACBF28AE7E04229B12ACD8FD5B24EFD</a></b><br />
<br />
As always, we thank you all from the bottom of our healing hearts.<br />
<br />
With Love and Gratitude,<br />
Leanna, Jim, Evan, Kyle, Madison and Nicholas<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Comic Sans MS,sans-serif;"><b>"I would rather had had one breath of his hair, one kiss of his mouth, one touch of his hand, than an eternity without it..."</b></span>Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-29143040827161670792014-08-14T15:53:00.001-04:002014-08-14T15:53:15.768-04:00The Rawest Form of AnguishA few weeks ago there was a horrific accident involving a bright, beautiful and enthusiastic young 15 year old girl. That girl was the sister of one our oldest son's hockey teammates.<br />
<br />
Evan and I went to the funeral.<br />
<br />
Torture.<br />
<br />
Pure, gut wrenching, torture.<br />
<br />
The church over flowed with people. Loved ones. Friends. Acquaintances. I suspect people who didn't even know this young soul personally, but felt compelled to pay respects to such a young life lost.<br />
<br />
We got two of the last seats (extra seating just outside of the congregation itself).<br />
<br />
I sobbed. Uncontrollably. Along with the hundreds of other breaking hearts in that church. My son held my hand as I much as I held his... my 11 year old son.<br />
<br />
This girls father spoke. Our friend. A broken man at the funeral of his daughter. The daughter he had just played catch with the day before her death. The man whose soul was drenched with the rawest of pain....<br />
<br />
The tears flowed freely. The "ugly cry" reared it's head.... exhausting.<br />
<br />
I sobbed for that family. I sobbed for a life gone far too soon. I sobbed for the one's left behind to mourn such a life full of love and prosper.<br />
<br />
I sobbed for our Nicholas. I sobbed as the memories of losing our son poured to the forefront, once again...<br />
<br />
The look in this young girls mom's eyes as she hugged me and locked eyes with mine... "how do you do it?" she asked... I just hugged her extra tight.<br />
<br />
Truth is there is no answer to that question.... her life is forever changed. Forever shattered in that moment. I wanted to tell her that there will be light, but not today. There will be light when there is meant to be light.. her daughter will provide that.<br />
<br />
But today, she is broken... fractured... immobilized by a loss so deep that there are truly no words.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-43020519064163458752014-03-18T10:51:00.001-04:002014-03-18T10:51:12.829-04:00Spring..... againFunny... as I look back at the posts at Nicholas' Touch around this time of year it is always the same... the arrival of Spring... a new season to rejuvenate life and refresh the soul.<br />
<br />
I awoke this morning from a horrifying 'flashback' type of dream. They are terrifying and merciless ... when they happen they rock my world as I am transported back to the day my baby boy was ripped from my body.... to the day when I so desperately wanted to hear him cry, wimper, anything... <br />
<br />
He didn't... he never will... and I know that. The mind is an intricate piece of machinery, however, and it can rip you apart when you least expect it... play games with your already fragile heart and cause the raw, in the moment pain to come roaring back...<br />
<br />
I accept it. The pain. The longing. The guilt. The love.<br />
<br />
Below is what I wrote just last year.... March 22/2013<br />
<br />
______________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It comes every year. I should be used to it by now. I should be
prepared for the shock. I should be able to stare it in the eyes and
steady myself. I should be able to keep my composure.<br />
<br />
But
every year it comes... and every year the grief of carrying Nicholas in
my heart explodes into a nasty mess. A heated pool of anguish over the
loss of my third son.<br />
<br />
Spring.<br />
<br />
It gets me every time.<br />
<br />
I
stare out the window and witness the tulips slowly rising... the
abundance of Robins with full bellies waiting to lay their eggs. I
admire how the grass magically turns from dry, brown, dead.... to lush,
green and inviting. I pop open the windows in our home to release the
staleness of winter and allow the cool spring breeze to revitalize the
air. The sun shines and I can feel the warmth as it tries to soothe my
soul.<br />
<br />
The new life. The freshness of the air. The vitality of the buds on the verge of blooming..... it's all so bittersweet.<br />
<br />
I love Spring, but it's all such a heavy reminder.<br />
<br />
Such life and growth..... but he's dead.<br />
<br />
As
I read my own words they sound so harsh. Probably because no one
should have to write those words. No one should have to endure the
death of their own child. So, the words may be harsh, but they are my
reality. My world.<br />
<br />
As the fragrance in the air subtly changes from winter cold to spring fresh.... I miss him.<br />
<br />
That's what our Nicholas smelled like. Fresh, soft, spring air. A pure and gentle cocktail of beautiful baby.<br />
<br />
Sigh......<br />
<br />
Happy Spring, sweet Nicholas.Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-85186390110127623922014-02-19T14:55:00.001-05:002014-02-19T14:55:42.319-05:00Newspaper!<br />
Nicholas,<br />
<br />
I had the absolute honour of sharing you with our community the other day. Our local newspaper visited to do an interview with me regarding our journey after losing you and the hope and comfort that has risen because of it. I think your Mama did okay... not too many hiccups, not too many moments of having to catch my breath. You give me strength every day, buddy... and the will to continue what we do to help others experiencing the same type of heartbreak....<br />
<br />
The direct link to the newspaper article and interview are <a href="http://www.yorkregion.com/community-story/4364280-newmarket-mother-brings-comfort-to-grieving-parents/;send=false">here</a>.Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-71884108809160951172014-01-29T10:05:00.002-05:002014-01-29T10:05:31.734-05:00AbandonmentHey Buddy,<br />
<br />
Yesterday was a day to remember. To keep safe in my heart for many years to come. Yesterday a community of people came together to remember, honour, pay respect to two beautiful, tiny souls. Souls that weren't given a chance at life. Souls that were left to die... alone, in the dark, in the cold, with no one to cuddle them, no one to love them as children deserve to be loved. Yesterday I stood respectfully before their tiny, white coffins. Those coffins. Many memories of my last moments with you.... a coffin should not be that small. It's cruel. Unfair. And far from okay. I stood there and the tears came. The lump formed... as I imagined these precious lives being so unnecessarily cut short. Imaging their helplessness ... and the helplessness these mothers felt. Praying that the media coverage the service was getting will somehow, someway break through a barrier of society that doesn't seem to want to touch these subjects. Hoping that "the powers that be" will find compassion for these lost souls... for the parents that are scared or sick... Wishing that there will be something put into place to help. To give these parents an option. An option over abandonment. An option over death.<br />
<br />
I felt my body physically ache and become weak with grief as those sweet baby boys were carried out of the funeral home. I had to remind myself to breathe... to steady myself as my heart broke all over again. We followed the hearse to their grave. A peaceful, delicate spot carved in the garden of the cemetery... The temperature was beyond cold (-30) and the wind whipped the snow around us. It was bitter... yet fitting. I could endure a few minutes of dreadful cold to say goodbye to these boys. To give them the dignity and respect they did not get in life. To love them and comfort them on the last leg of their journey.... because they deserve it. Because we cared.Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-79343515140646896712014-01-24T09:36:00.002-05:002014-01-24T09:36:35.754-05:00"I Mention Him"Exactly, buddy.... never far from my thoughts.... always in my heart<br />
<br />
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I Mention Him</h2>
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Submitted by <span class="ai-postdateicon"><a href="http://thegrieftoolbox.com/users/treysmommy" title="View user profile.">TreysMommy</a> </span> | <span class="ai-postauthoricon">November 6, 2012 - 5:00pm </span> </div>
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<a href="http://www.angelsteps.net/2012/11/i-mention-him.html">I Mention Him</a></h3>
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Not to make you uncomfortable,<br />He's my son, I should be able to talk about him.<br /><br />Not to dwell,<br />He will forever be my son, part of my life, my heart.<br /><br />Not to make you feel guilty,<br />He is a child just like your own, but he's in Heaven.<br /><br />Not to bring you down,<br />It brings me joy to speak of him fondly.<br /><br />Not to get attention,<br />He exists in my life just as your topics of conversation exists in yours.<br /><br />Not to gain sympathy,<br />Believe you me, I wish I did not have to speak on him the past tense.<br /><br />Not to bring you down,<br />My grief is lifelong, my healing is in the only life he has now, his mommy.<br /><br />Not to rub it in your face,<br />I would never wish this on ANYONE!<br /><br />Not to make it about me,<br />I am just another parent trying to speak of my kids the way you do yours.<br /><br />Not to suck you into my world,<br />Your world is just as important to me.<br /><br />Not to distract you,<br />I want to hear how your life is going, your happiness is relevant.<br /><br />Not to take away from the conversation,<br />Yet life as well as death is a part of common conversation.<br /><br />Not to make my life seem more important than yours,<br />I am my own person in my own journey and I share what is in my heart just as you do.<br /><br />Not to remind you of your own grief,<br />We all walk our own paths and stumble as all humans do, we should pick each other up.<br /><br />Not to garner your support,<br />Everyone gives whatever they can to enrich the lives of the ones they care for.<br /><br />Not to remind you,<br />No one needs to be reminded of the loss of a child.<br /><br />Not to haunt you,<br />It sucks, it truly does but not speaking of him haunts those who love him.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img alt="" class="imagecache-article-images art-img-ins" height="200" src="https://thegrieftoolbox.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/article-images/2620_1106663059288_2650455_n.jpg" style="border: 5px solid black; float: left; margin: 5px;" title="" width="200" />He
is my son, I mention him, his life, his passing, and the times since
then because I live every one of those moments in real time everyday.
He is a part of my being. He is a part of my soul. He has a place in
my heart. I carried him in my womb. I watched him struggle. I made
the hardest decision a parent will EVER have to make...I let him go.
But understand, though I let him go physically, spiritually, mentally,
and emotionally, he will ALWAYS be with me! I am thankful for it, it's
all I have and at this point, it is all I need. </div>
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Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-44562754749684358362014-01-14T11:48:00.000-05:002014-01-14T11:48:15.814-05:00Thinking...I think about you so much. I think about how much you have enriched my life... how much strength I am able to present, because of you. I think about our connection and the connection I have been honoured to make with others... I dream about your tiny, little spirit and just how big it truly is. My heart is healing and I am relieved to say that I feel at peace. I <br />
<br />
On your 5th birthday we visited a small hospital in Ottawa. I presented 6 Comfort Boxes to an audience of 8 nurses, doctors, caregivers.... 6 Comfort Boxes in your name and in your honour. Your legacy continues, buddy.<br />
<br />
On that very day, just as we were posing for a group photo I spotted a ladybug.... a beautiful, perfect ladybug silently perched on a luscious plant inside of the hospital. My heart was stunned at the timing... it was also filled with joy and warmth as I realized that your spirit was there.. with your family, far from home... offering your energy and your light to an emotional day.<br />
<br />
Beautiful things do happen.<br />
<br />
Love your sweet soul, buddy...<br />
<br />
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-38952423429014047142013-11-06T10:07:00.004-05:002013-11-06T10:07:58.887-05:00November 6 and 7, 2013 - You have given us so much.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ijtxSpDfLIQ/UnpbDrTxaNI/AAAAAAAACds/mUhCK85QEuk/s1600/Our+Baby+Nicholas+073.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ijtxSpDfLIQ/UnpbDrTxaNI/AAAAAAAACds/mUhCK85QEuk/s320/Our+Baby+Nicholas+073.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Originally posted - March 2009 <br />
<br />
The days leading up to Nicholas' birth were so surreal. I'm
convinced that I was in complete shock... and in complete despair. I
often wish that I consciously connected with him more during those last
few days. Instead, I felt shame. Not ashamed of my sweet baby boy,
never that, but ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I had let this horrible
thing happen to my baby. Ashamed that my body couldn't keep him safe.
I changed in the dark. I wore the absolute baggiest clothes I could
find and I physically cringed when my husband would touch my belly. I
disconnected because that is what felt safe for me at the time. I
didn't want to bond any more than I already had with this baby for fear
of completely breaking down. I now know that was the stupidest thing I
could have done... our bond was already as strong as strong could be and
I wasted precious time.<br />
<br />
<br />
Secretly I cherished the
kicks, the nudges, the hiccups and the bubbles those last few days, but
never again did I say "Oh my gosh, watch my belly, he's rocking and
rolling again". It's very difficult to put into words why.... I think
all of you know the feeling. Complete helplessness. Deep and utter
sadness. Those days were so incredibly hard. I couldn't understand why
he was so active and seemingly okay when the opposite was true - he
would not have that "life" when he wasn't connected to me. It truly is
amazing what we do for our babies... how we nourish them, grow them..
and love them so.<br />
<br />
It's funny, everyone always seemed to
ask how I was sleeping, if at all. I never had any problem sleeping. I
was so completely and totally drained that closing my eyes and falling
asleep was a relief. My problem was waking up. It literally hurt to
wake up... to reality. Every day we would wait for the phone call from
the doctor to say that the ethics committee had met and made their
decision. Every day I held my breath as the phone rang and rang and
rang. I was very angry at the fact that an "Ethics Committee" held the
fate of our family and our precious baby at their mercy.<br />
<br />
We
finally got the call and went into the hospital on Thursday, November
6, 2008. We got to the clinic early and there only a few people walking
the halls. I was in autopilot... I remember one pregnant lady sitting
across from us. She had seen my bag and pillow and commented on the
fact that we were going to have our baby that day.... little did she
know.<br />
<br />
I have never, ever cried so much or felt such immense pain as I did when I felt our sweet baby boy go...<br />
<br />
I
was given something to relax me and then the induction began. It
seemed to take forever. I was feverish and nauseous from the gel the
doctors were giving me every few hours. I was given an epidural where I
could manage the dose... I remember forcing myself or my husband to
press that button... I wanted to feel this labour. I wanted to work for
my Nicholas. This was the last thing we were going to do together...
and I wanted to remember every (although painful) minute.<br />
<br />
Fast
forward to the next day... Friday, November 7, 2008. My body seems to
have shut down. I am not dialating, I am not contracting. I can't even
do this right.<br />
Then suddenly I feel the tremendous urge to push.
He's ready. I'm not. I'm not ready to push him out of me. I'm not
ready to let go. <br />
<br />
I remember these young,
inexperienced (in bedside manner anyway) interns coming in to assist
with Nicholas' birth. They were anything but gentle. Not that I cared,
really. I didn't care about anything at that point, except for holding
my beautiful boy in my arms. I'll never forget the feeling of him
slipping out... slipping away. I howled.... just howled. It was over
and I was lost. I couldn't keep him safe any longer.<br />
<br />
He
is just beautiful. The first thing my husband and I noticed was his
red hair. Our first born has red hair and Nicholas was the spitting
image of him. He smelled so clean and fresh. His skin was so smooth
and perfect. His lips so red and kissable. I couldn't get enough of
him and yet I felt myself detaching.... shock has a funny way of
protecting was needs to be protected. I thank God for shock. It
allowed us to savour the precious time we had with our son. To love
him. To caress him. To just "be" for at least a few hours before we
had to say goodbye.<br />
<br />
Goodbye. What an impossible thing to do.<br />
<br />
to be continued...Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-28467870593696386402013-10-28T11:58:00.003-04:002013-10-28T11:58:48.740-04:00October 28, 2008<h3 class="post-title entry-title">
<a href="http://nicholastouch.blogspot.ca/2009/03/october-28-2008-beginning-of-end.html">October 28, 2008 - The Beginning of the End</a>
</h3>
<div class="post-header">
</div>
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_U_DDTuLLRRU/ScuH5XjaCAI/AAAAAAAAAGE/1AArncr92-c/s1600-h/Our+Baby+Nicholas+054.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317493204685817858" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_U_DDTuLLRRU/ScuH5XjaCAI/AAAAAAAAAGE/1AArncr92-c/s200/Our+Baby+Nicholas+054.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 150px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0; width: 200px;" /></a><br />October 28, 2008<br /><br />The
day our world stopped. The day we were told that part of our baby
boy's brain had not formed. The day we had to make the most
unimaginable decision of our lives.<br /><br />We were scheduled into the
high risk pregnancy hospital that afternoon for a number of tests
because an ultrasound had shown that the ventricles in our baby's head
were larger than normal. My husband and I made the 1/2 hour drive into
Toronto and, to be honest, our spirits were hopeful. We certainly had a
million questions, but how bad could it be right? I was 33 weeks and
had several ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy - every single one was
"fine" - until the last one. How could something so catastrophic not
been seen earlier??<br /><br />When we got to the clinic I had blood taken,
then we had the amnio... and then the "detailed ultrasound" performed by
one of the head doctors. He studied our baby for a long, long time
(all the while making small talk). I remember him telling us about his
daughter and a big house they had bought not too far from where we
lived...I look back now and wonder how in the world he could talk so
casually when he could clearly see the trouble our baby was in.<br /><br />The
doctor was called away for what felt like hours and during that time my
husband and I tried to remain calm... we didn't know anything for sure
at this point. My husband looked at the transcript from the previous
ultrasound and figured things were fairly positive (he has some training
in the medical field and can read the jargon). When the doctor finally
returned he probed my belly again and asked if he and the doctor we had
been seeing (who was now in the room) could speak with each other
freely. Sure. I didn't understand a single thing they were saying, but
something deep in my soul knew that none of it was good. I kept
looking at my husband for some kind of reassurance.... nothing. He just
kept shaking his head and looking really concerned. When my husband
looks concerned I know there's trouble.<br /><br />The doctors finished up and we were sent to wait in the waiting room... for what we now know was the worst news of our life.<br /><br />We were taken into the genetic councilor's office and shut the door. Oh God...<br /><br />"Part
of the baby's brain has not formed at all" the words went through me
like a sword. "There was some kind of insult to the baby", probably
during or after my emergency surgery at 20 weeks, "There is a high
chance that the baby will not make it through labour or for very long
once he is born" .... my vision is blurry now, I am staring blankly at
who knows what, I don't hear them anymore. "If the baby is born alive
we cannot guarantee what quality of life he will have... with half the
brain missing...." "Everyone has different views and ideas of what
quality of life is....there are options for you." Options, are you
serious??!!!<br /><br />After a while we were left alone in that office....
to scream, to sob, to shake uncontrollably. Our first and foremost
thought was that we did not want our precious baby boy to suffer. We
did not want him to be born gasping for breath, struggling to stay
alive. We did not want him on life support and we did not want our
beautiful boy to be attached to tubes and needles. We also felt like we
had to think about our two boys at home... there were 5 people to think
about. I will never forget my husband saying that. I don't remember
too much, but that I remember. It struck a chord and resonated in my
breaking heart.<br /><br />The decision to let him go, without a doubt, was
the most heart-wrenching, soul-searing, horrendous decision we have had
to ever, ever had to make, but I truly believe we made it out of love. I
have to believe that we spared him the pain, the suffering that he
would have inevitably endured, regardless of the outcome.<br /><br />I
pleaded with the doctors not to send me home that night.... I really
didn't know how to face anyone. But there are policies, of course. We
were sent home to writhe in our pain... to start grieving our little boy
who was still actively kicking and pushing his mommy's belly.<br /><br />We waited 4 days to get an MRI scheduled. The MRI was to 110% confirm the findings (which we were all for). <br /><br />That was Friday, October 31, 2008 - Halloween Day. And that is for another post.<br /><br />My heart and soul ache for you Nicholas..... we love you more every day... xo
Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-64278456493652112702013-10-24T11:10:00.002-04:002013-10-24T11:10:26.326-04:00TodayEvery year around this time I struggle. The tears flow without warning. There is a dull ache in my chest and my breaths are a little harder to take. The vulnerability I feel at this time is painstaking. Unstoppable. Agonizing.<br />
<br />
I try my very hardest to honour you, sweet Nicholas. To keep your beautiful legacy alive in this world. I try to give back to others hurting as we do. I do it in your name. I do it because you gave me clarity to what I could give back in this life. You were taken away. I am still here. My resolve is to parent you through comforting others. To allow my love for you honour other babies gone too soon. To offer support and strength to their families. To remember you with purity and passion.<br />
<br />
But the anniversaries come with pain and sorrow. The subconscious memories blindside me and I am left to pick up the pieces. The rest of the year is dedicated to honouring your beautiful little life.... but today, little man, mommy is struggling. <br />
<br />
I love you. <br />
<br />
I am so sorry.<br />
<br />
<br />Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-47220160911740261292013-10-22T13:51:00.003-04:002013-10-22T13:53:29.292-04:00Nicholas' 5th Angel Day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a><br />
October
22, 2013<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
Dear Family and Friends,<span style="mso-tab-count: 6;"> </span><br />
<br />
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nicholas’ Birth/Angel day is Thursday, Novemeber 7<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will have been 5 whole years since Jim and
I had the incredible opportunity to meet our third son, face to tiny, perfect
face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five years since we were blessed
to hold him in our arms… smell him… kiss him….talk to him… love him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am struggling with 5 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every year is a milestone, but 5 seems truly
unimaginable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Nicholas died I
remember genuinely wondering how the world could continue to spin… how the
stars still shone… how the birds still sang…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our world was drastically halted in that moment and it seemed beyond
unfair and cruel that time didn’t stop.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Flash forward to today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t be more grateful for time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time to dull the intense pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time to begin to heal our broken hearts. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to try to forgive
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time to remember and honour Nicholas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time to realize how much love he has brought to our lives.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of you will remember that we have been marking
Nicholas’ Angel Day with a special and unique event each year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Together, with an amazing support system, we
have created life long memories on what is an extremely emotional day for our
family.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This year we will be travelling to Ottawa on November 7<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be honest, I have had a hard time
accepting this truth, however, we have come up with a plan to continue our
tradition of honouring Nicholas’ memory on his birth/angel day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been busy putting together more Comfort Boxes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will donate 6 of them to a hospital close
to where we are staying in Ottawa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
are more than comforted to know that some families may find some much needed
solace from the items we have provided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am saddened by the fact that we will not have the
opportunity to again share this day with an abundance of friends, family and
supporters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I am encouraged to
know that we will be surrounded by our “hockey family” as we navigate our way
through this latest anniversary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the past, the events have changed, as it will this year, but
the meaning will always be there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
so important to us to have a positive focus on what could be a terrible day
re-living horrific memories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nicholas’ legacy lives on and that is what it is all about.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We continue to heal our broken hearts by remembering and
honouring our special little guy every day. We do this together, with
love, perseverance and with the boundless support of amazing family and friends
who have been there for us every step of the way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
thank you all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">With Love and Gratitude,</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Leanna, Jim ,Evan, Kyle, Madison and Angel Baby
Nicholas Reeves</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "MV Boli";">“I
would rather have had one breath of his hair, one kiss of his mouth,</span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "MV Boli";">one
touch of his hand, than an eternity without it…”</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-38489243263368915852013-06-14T12:17:00.001-04:002013-06-14T12:17:34.261-04:00Happy Father's Day, Daddy<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-T8PJm8UzcOo/UbtCDjayIwI/AAAAAAAACas/R8_B0-4uaxk/s1600/Our+Baby+Nicholas+031.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-T8PJm8UzcOo/UbtCDjayIwI/AAAAAAAACas/R8_B0-4uaxk/s320/Our+Baby+Nicholas+031.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Happy Father's Day to the strongest, most loving daddy around.... </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Daddy's Love</span><br /><br />Your daddy loves you oh so much<br />I see it in his eyes.<br />Every time we speak of you,<br />He looks up to the sky.<br /><br />We talk about you often<br />And wonder what you’d be<br />If you were down here with us,<br />With your family.<br /><br />Daddy is so strong,<br />His strength surrounds us all.<br />We lean on him for comfort,<br />He doesn’t let us fall.<br /><br />But daddy hurts so deeply,<br />He misses you so much.<br />He feels blessed to have known you<br />And to have felt your touch.<br /><br />He’s proud to be your daddy<br />And to have held your hand in his.<br />He kissed and held you close that day<br />Forever you’ll be missed.<br /><br />We love you buddy… xo xo<br />Mommy (Leanna) – March 2009Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-79258056630193436782013-06-10T10:35:00.002-04:002013-06-10T10:35:46.190-04:00Your new gardenWe moved your garden yesterday.<br />
<br />
I'm sure you already know.<br />
<br />
What a potent mix of emotions. I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it was for your daddy and I. <br />
<br />
Moving your rocks was like holding a piece of you again, bringing us back to the day when we so gently laid them down on a neatly raked space of soil. One of the big steps on this life long journey. Your space. Our memorial to a perfect little baby boy. So much love, so much respect. Makes me sad that not everyone has the sensitivity.... or the respect that you deserve.<br />
<br />
Your new spot is another perfect one. A beautiful view of the lake. With your family. The one's who love you. The one's who remember you with gratitude and a deep understanding of what you mean to all of us.<br />
<br />
I am comforted by the fact that you will be watching over your brothers and sisters as they splash and play in the water.... keep them safe, baby.<br />
<br />
I hope that you are at peace with your new garden. No matter where it is, it will always be that tangible place where we can nurture and grow and hope.<br />
<br />
Lots of love,<br />
MommyLeahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-9140188858420223372013-05-07T13:11:00.002-04:002013-05-07T13:11:34.243-04:00MemorialFor those of you visiting after attending the Memorial at Southlake
last evening, I welcome you to this place of comfort and healing. I
also commend your strength and courage to walk through those doors. It
is an extremely difficult thing to do. I only hope that you found some
peace and warmth while being surrounded with other parents grieving
their precious babies.<br />
<br />
Please, have a look through The
Angel Wings Memorial Boutique, visit Nicholas' Touch and try to find a
connection, some solace in the words written. My posts are often raw,
direct and vivid in description. Nicholas' Touch is a space where I can
share my inner most anxieties about grieving the loss of our 3rd son.
It is a space where my heart is exposed and my grief is very real. It
is my hope that parents experiencing the loss of a child, at any stage
in their grief journey, can find some hope in our experience.<br />
<br />
I
remember, early on, how often I would search out parents who were just a
little further ahead in their journey. How desperate I was to hear
their stories and relate. My heart ached for some proof that the
anguish would somehow soften. That my broken soul could be wrapped in
some peace somewhere down the road.<br />
<br />
I hope that
Nicholas' legacy and our voyage down this often tumultuous path can
offer some hope and comfort in knowing that what you are feeling is
okay. That you are not alone. This community can be one of the most
compassionate, generous, and loving communities. We are here to help,
to listen, to cry, to laugh... We are here to understand and we are
here to support.<br />
<br />
Much love to you and your babes,<br />
LeannaLeahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-86020551967795764612013-04-22T13:35:00.001-04:002014-03-18T10:42:20.117-04:00Soft SpringIt comes every year. I should be used to it by now. I should be prepared for the shock. I should be able to stare it in the eyes and steady myself. I should be able to keep my composure.<br />
<br />
But every year it comes... and every year the grief of carrying Nicholas in my heart explodes into a nasty mess. A heated pool of anguish over the loss of my third son.<br />
<br />
Spring.<br />
<br />
It gets me every time.<br />
<br />
I stare out the window and witness the tulips slowly rising... the abundance of Robins with full bellies waiting to lay their eggs. I admire how the grass magically turns from dry, brown, dead.... to lush, green and inviting. I pop open the windows in our home to release the staleness of winter and allow the cool spring breeze to revitalize the air. The sun shines and I can feel the warmth as it tries to soothe my soul.<br />
<br />
The new life. The freshness of the air. The vitality of the buds on the verge of blooming..... it's all so bittersweet.<br />
<br />
I love Spring, but it's all such a heavy reminder.<br />
<br />
Such life and growth..... but he's dead.<br />
<br />
As I read my own words they sound so harsh. Probably because no one should have to write those words. No one should have to endure the death of their own child. So, the words may be harsh, but they are my reality. My world.<br />
<br />
As the fragrance in the air subtly changes from winter cold to spring fresh.... I miss him.<br />
<br />
That's what our Nicholas smelled like. Fresh, soft, spring air. A pure and gentle cocktail of beautiful baby.<br />
<br />
Sigh......<br />
<br />
Happy Spring, sweet Nicholas.<br />
<br />
Mama loves you.Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-46677878281972948642013-02-28T14:26:00.004-05:002013-02-28T14:32:00.951-05:00Wishing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-osgj0CKVjXg/US-wol3tNeI/AAAAAAAACXg/t9nrDJ-Ol54/s1600/Our+Baby+Nicholas+060.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-osgj0CKVjXg/US-wol3tNeI/AAAAAAAACXg/t9nrDJ-Ol54/s320/Our+Baby+Nicholas+060.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I love staring at your beautiful and perfect little face, buddy. Nothing in particular today. Just missing you. Just remembering. Just dreaming. We love you so much. Wish it wasn't this way. Wish we didn't have to do all of that from afar.<br />
<br />
Mommy xxLeahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-73336668091737802092013-01-29T10:38:00.003-05:002013-01-29T10:38:49.737-05:00BreathlessIt's been a while since I've had the feeling. The feeling of pure grief. The power of grief. The hold it can take on my heart. I've been breathless.... like no breath is deep enough... like no breath can repair the sadness. Like no breath can cleanse my soul. It's real, I know. And it's always there... like a shadow I can't get rid of. Like a demon stuck on the sidelines. Grief resides in my heart.... all nestled up tight and silent until I least expect it. And then it can be so fierce that the rage is undeniable and I must succumb to it's force.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's the crumby days of winter... cold, wet, sloppy and dark. For sure it's the passing of my grandpa and the void that is now felt throughout our family. Maybe it's the fact that another family close to our heart is experiencing the unimaginable as we speak. Maybe it's just that our son died... and it sucks.... and I miss his kicks... and I miss his smell... and I miss the little boy that should have been. Maybe it's because it's not natural and it's not fair... our kids do not die before us. Maybe it's simply that I am not in a good place right now. Maybe it's the insurmountable amount of guilt that has infected my being.... like the grief.... guilt has become a mainstay in my heart. Maybe it's because my heart hurts and I can't seem to calm it....<br />
<br />
Maybe<br />
<br />
Maybe<br />
<br />
Maybe<br />
<br />
Sigh....<br />
<br />
Nicholas.... we have come so far. We have done so much good. We have offered so much comfort to other families who so desperately need it after their children pass away. But, some days the good just isn't much of a comfort to me. I'd much rather I didn't have to collapse at your coffin 4 years ago. I'd much rather that we didn't have to carry your ashes home. I'd much rather have a billion more kisses....<br />
<br />
I'd much rather love you beside me cuz this loving from afar stuff is really hard....<br />
<br />
I'd much rather be able to take a good, deep and cleansing breath and feel renewed and fully joyful.... but right now, I can't.... and that's okay. It's in these moments and times of pure grief that I am truly reminded of your gift. <br />
<br />
My heart is bigger because of you.... <br />
<br />
<br />Leahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6497597673130157461.post-64981440047296419672013-01-08T14:51:00.001-05:002013-01-08T14:51:44.849-05:00UnitedIn the early morning of January 6, 2013 our family lost a very special man. The matriarch of our family. The strength. The integrity. The legend. A few days ago my amazingly tenacious, outrageously strong and infinitely kind grandfather passed on to the next world.<br />
<br />
Grandpa or "New Papa" as our kids call him was battling with a fearless foe the last several months. Alzheimer's had gripped his soul tightly and he was kept prisoner in his very own body. Once so sharp. Once so incredibly wise and wistful.... our precious New Papa didn't have a chance against such a mighty disease.<br />
<br />
I saw him on New Years Day. He was weak. He was gaunt. He continued to refuse to eat or take his medication. I promised him that the ice cream I wanted to feed him was his very favourite (Kawartha Dairy) and that I brought it especially for him. He nearly ate the entire bowl and seemed to savour each mouthful. Mom and I bargained with him to take his pills... the pills that would keep his mind at ease and calm the paranoia. He took them and we both sat and rubbed cream into his feet and his legs. He relished every minute.... groaning and smiling in great comfort. I kissed him as we left. Told him I loved him and squeezed a little tighter. I had a feeling that may the last time....<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As mixed up as his mind was... as different as he was... I truly feel like deep down he had the sense to know what was happening to him. What should not have been happening to him. For most of his life he was the man in control. He called the shots and he knew how to manage every situation.... imagine how extremely terrifying to realize that you had no control over your own mind or body anymore. To imagine yourself as a burden and struggle with the fact there was no getting better. Grampa took control of the situation he was forced to face the only way he knew how... the only way he mindfully and physically could. He allowed his body to comfortably decline. He was valiant in this. The only thing left to control. The only way to relieve his family. The only way to relieve himself without the suffering....<br />
<br />
I am comforted by the fact that he is now united with our sweet Nicholas. Grampa was so heartbroken when Nicholas died. Again, loss of control. Watching his only granddaughter suffer the insurmountable. I am so happy that they are now in each others arms. <br />
<br />
Grampa ~ we all have so many amazing memories with you. It is these memories that will allow us to reflect and smile. You have had such an impact on so many lives. You have left a legacy which will always supercede death. Rest well... I love you, NanLeahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05569964047627902570noreply@blogger.com4