Dear Nicholas,
It's a nasty, cold and rainy day here today - a little like mommy's mood. It's amazing how the sadness and desperation can really sneak in on the "day". I miss you, baby. I can literally smell your skin today. I can feel you in my arms. I can feel you in my heart.
Last night, I was tucking your oldest brother into bed and he was reaching up to the sky. I gently pushed his arm back down and under the covers as I thought he was just fooling around at bedtime. He explained to me that he was reaching for you, his baby brother. He was reaching to the clouds and beyond to feel your touch. This is something your daddy taught him to do when he is thinking about you. Once I realized what he was doing we reached together and said our own special prayer - I hope you heard us.
You would be 11 months old today. That seems unreal to me. Unreal that you have been gone for that long... I had your youngest brother at gymnastics class today and there were little boys everywhere. I really find it hard to watch babies around 11 months old crawl around, babbling away. I also find it extremely hard to see newborns, more specifically, to hear their high pitch, infant cry... That is a sound I prayed to hear once you were born. Of course, I knew otherwise. I knew you were sound asleep, but I hoped beyond hope for some kind of sheer miracle. I hoped for you to fill that hospital room with your lovely cry. To prove everyone wrong. You didn't. You lay there, peaceful and perfect as only our tears covered your sweet face.
Your baby sister, Little Miss Sunshine, is staying strong. I know you are helping us along. I can feel "Nicholas' Touch" as we travel along this new path of our journey.
Thank you, Angel. We are so truly grateful for you.
Love always and forever,
Mommy, Daddy, Evan, Kyle and "Little Miss Sunshine"
oxoxoxoxo
