Hello Everyone,
Just a quick note to let you all know that come Saturday the boys and I will be spending the majority of the next couple of months at our summer cottage (paradise). They both finished school today and as long as I can get somewhat organized.. we will be leaving in the next couple of days.
I do not have access to a computer up there (ahhhhhh), however, I will be home checking in once per week. The cottage is only an hour away from home (we are lucky). The kids have soccer every Wednesday, so we will attempt to be home for at least one day per week.
Just didn't want you to think that I was "lost".
PS. I am more than happy to make Angel Wings anywhere....
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Yesterday - Nicholas' Results
So, yesterday was the day. We had our meeting about Nicholas' autopsy report.
I can honestly say that, like in many other situations, the anticipation of the day was much worse than the meeting itself.
Don't get me wrong, it was tough. We took the same route to the hospital, went up the same elevators, walked down the same halls, passed the office where we learned of Nicholas' condition and met with the same doctors. It was all very surreal, but in the end, I felt a sense of peace.
We arrived very early (you never know how the traffic will be) so we got a coffee and sat outside the hospital for a good hour. I kept feeling this overwhelming pull to go find Nicholas and hold him again. It's amazing how crazy (and cruel) our minds can be, isn't it? I guess I felt this way because (besides the funeral home) that hospital, in those surroundings was where I first and last met our son. Where I held him, cried over him, kissed his wet little face....
We didn't find out anything too different than what had been speculated originally. What happened with Nicholas' brain was most likely due to the events leading up to my surgery or the surgery itself. It kills me to think that my body compromised necessary blood and oxygen to our baby boy. I look at the pain in my boys and my husband's faces and I often think "I caused this". My body failed me, our family and our sweet Angel. Up until that 20 week mark when I collapsed, Nicholas was on track, healthy.... and alive. I know, I know, it's an irrational thought. Nobody could have predicted these horrible events, but the guilt, the anguish will always be with me. I think it's just instilled in me now... a burden I will always carry.
Our other boys stayed with their Nana, so we went to pick them up later in the afternoon. When we arrived, our oldest son was very excited to tell us that he and Nana had bought a balloon. A blue, helium balloon for Nicholas. He also made a little note.... I helped him tie it to the balloon and when we got home we said a few words, he kissed it and let it go.... high in the sky. It was a gorgeous, clear day, so we actually got to see it for quite a while..... until "Nicholas caught it". He was still asking me this morning if Nicholas got his note. "I know he did".
So, if you look up into the sky today (wherever you are) look for a perfect, blue balloon. It was sent to Heaven with kisses and tons of love for our Angel.
A BIG thank you to all who remembered our day yesterday! It means so much to have such thoughtful and wonderful friends who take the time to let us know they are thinking of us..... xx
~Kisses to Heaven~
Today I sent a kiss to Heaven
I'm encouraging all of you to try
For if I have shared this with you
You have had a child die.
This kiss came from deep inside
And I know that it truly was received
Right after I had sent my kiss
A calming breeze surrounded me.
Not only that, a wind chime rang
From where I do not know
But I felt my children smile at me
And say they love me so.
Take a kiss within your hands
And look up to the sky
Release that kiss with loving care
Now please try not to cry.
Once your kiss is off to them
To Heaven's gate above
Just look for any single sign
Of your child's precious love.
~Unknown Author~
Friday, June 19, 2009
Raw Emotions
I attended my 5th or 6th support group meeting the other evening. For 5 or 6 weeks there have only been the same people; myself, a girlfriend of mine who lost one of her twins, and another couple who lost their little boy almost a year ago. We have gotten quite comfortable with each other and look forward to our monthly meetings. Well, the other evening another woman (C) joined us. She is only 3 weeks out from losing her baby girl, full term, for no "apparent" reason.
We all started the meeting again by sharing our stories and welcoming (if that's what you want to call it) C to our unique group. As I sat and cried while listening to her heart wrenching story, I couldn't help but remember all of the emotions of being in that place. So early on. When the pain is so excruciating and raw. Acute grief is a horrible, hideous emotion to have to endure. It sucks the life out of us, it consumes our soul. It renders us helpless and without hope.
From what I do remember of those first several weeks after we lost Nicholas, the emotions that I felt were imminent, catastrophic. I didn't feel the slight bit prepared to deal with such foreign emotions. Darkness, desperation, disbelief, confusion and anger blurred my vision, and shaded my heart. In those very early days I didn't know how I would ever emerge from such shock and fear. I felt completely out of control, not fully cognisant of the world conitnuing to spin around me.
I remember feeling and, to a point, wanting to be so isolated. I was not interested in the lives of others around me. I became detached - their lives so different and routine.
Nothing would be routine for us again. We lost our baby boy. It is a trauma that will never go away. In the beginning I remember feeling like the offer of help and support from friends and family seemed utterly pointless. My pain is not 'fixable'. There is nothing I (or anyone else) can do to bring my baby back. I remember thinking no amount of talking will bring Nicholas back, so what's the point?
Well, when we were only 3 weeks out from losing Nicholas I was driving (I should not have been driving) in a haze and ended up at the local Bereavement Services (where our support meetings are now held). I'm not sure what got me there... I don't even recall knowing it was there. My point is, I'm glad that I made that step. Even so early on. When I was in such immense pain, I reached out. I reached out because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I didn't want to become completely helpless when it came to the rest of my family. I needed to find some strength somewhere. Some strength to step up and be the mommy I wanted to be for my two living sons. Some strength to help my husband through his 'bad' days. Some strength to get my butt out of bed.
Reaching out for support was one of the hardest, yet one of the best things that I have done through this process. The loss of a child is such a unique loss. It is comforting to be surrounded by those who truly, truly understand.
I understood this woman the other night. I was exactly where she is right now, we all were. So early in her journey, when the pain is too fresh to bare. I was proud of her for making that step. For somehow recognizing that doing something is better than doing nothing. We are all so unique and individual, but I truly believe that in our darkest moments we really do need each other.
Thinking of C today and all the others who are joining us on this life-long journey.
xx
We all started the meeting again by sharing our stories and welcoming (if that's what you want to call it) C to our unique group. As I sat and cried while listening to her heart wrenching story, I couldn't help but remember all of the emotions of being in that place. So early on. When the pain is so excruciating and raw. Acute grief is a horrible, hideous emotion to have to endure. It sucks the life out of us, it consumes our soul. It renders us helpless and without hope.
From what I do remember of those first several weeks after we lost Nicholas, the emotions that I felt were imminent, catastrophic. I didn't feel the slight bit prepared to deal with such foreign emotions. Darkness, desperation, disbelief, confusion and anger blurred my vision, and shaded my heart. In those very early days I didn't know how I would ever emerge from such shock and fear. I felt completely out of control, not fully cognisant of the world conitnuing to spin around me.
I remember feeling and, to a point, wanting to be so isolated. I was not interested in the lives of others around me. I became detached - their lives so different and routine.
Nothing would be routine for us again. We lost our baby boy. It is a trauma that will never go away. In the beginning I remember feeling like the offer of help and support from friends and family seemed utterly pointless. My pain is not 'fixable'. There is nothing I (or anyone else) can do to bring my baby back. I remember thinking no amount of talking will bring Nicholas back, so what's the point?
Well, when we were only 3 weeks out from losing Nicholas I was driving (I should not have been driving) in a haze and ended up at the local Bereavement Services (where our support meetings are now held). I'm not sure what got me there... I don't even recall knowing it was there. My point is, I'm glad that I made that step. Even so early on. When I was in such immense pain, I reached out. I reached out because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I didn't want to become completely helpless when it came to the rest of my family. I needed to find some strength somewhere. Some strength to step up and be the mommy I wanted to be for my two living sons. Some strength to help my husband through his 'bad' days. Some strength to get my butt out of bed.
Reaching out for support was one of the hardest, yet one of the best things that I have done through this process. The loss of a child is such a unique loss. It is comforting to be surrounded by those who truly, truly understand.
I understood this woman the other night. I was exactly where she is right now, we all were. So early in her journey, when the pain is too fresh to bare. I was proud of her for making that step. For somehow recognizing that doing something is better than doing nothing. We are all so unique and individual, but I truly believe that in our darkest moments we really do need each other.
Thinking of C today and all the others who are joining us on this life-long journey.
xx
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A Butterfly...
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam and for a brief moment
it's glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies on again.
And though we wish it could have stayed, we feel lucky to have seen it.
Remembering our Angels gone too soon.
Love to my beautiful friend M today. Nicholas' candle is lit tonight.
xx
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Father's Day
We don't have many plans for Father's Day this weekend, just as we didn't for Mother's Day. It's going to be a tough day for my husband. Bittersweet.
I just saw the following excerpt on Dana's Blog and thought it was appropriate as the Canadian Father's Day is approaching.
I would like to think that many people in our life have been very conscious of my husbands feelings and role in the loss of our son.
Of course, the emotions and connection to the situation are different. That is inevitable, but the men in our life are grieving the loss of their child as well. Grieving the future they had planned, the love they have invested in their unborn child.
My husband and I are in this together... every step of the way.
Something to think about.
A Father's Grief
"...When a child dies, very often the focus is on the mother. There is a special bond between a mother and her child, and people automatically respond to that by offering the mother comfort, condolences, hugs, shared tears and shared stories. A woman’s typical response to child loss—crying, wanting to talk, wanting to be with others who share her sorrow, lends itself to having others gather round in a circle of support.
The father’s experience may be very different. After his son died, a friend wrote, “It didn’t take long to realize that grief for the father of a child was going to be different. When the first people started coming to the house after the death of our son, the question seemed to ring, Where is your wife? How is she doing? In their minds they realized she had lost a son. She would be grieving the loss. She would be having a hard time, but as for me, the father, they seemed to think I wouldn’t miss him at all. There seemed to be a consensus that the mother suffers the loss but the father doesn’t. Neighbors would walk by me on their way to see my wife. They would comfort her. ‘We are so sorry,’ they would say. ‘Is there anything we can do? How hard this must be for you.’ All this time I stood there too.”
...After the initial overwhelming sorrow, often accompanied by tears, he accepts the obvious fact that their child is gone. He may struggle with overwhelming guilt—as the protector, he perceives that he has failed. His child has died and he did not prevent this from happening, but instead allowed this terrible grief and loss to touch his family. Unrealistic as this is, it can be an overwhelming burden, driven home by the constant tears and grief of his wife. He wants her to understand that he did not mean for this to happen, and he may redouble his efforts at supporting his family, caring for them, working long hours and being the best possible provider, all the while knowing that nothing he does can bring the child back...
Men often express their love and grief through projects, whether or not related directly to the lost child. He may build a fountain in the yard, or finish the deck where his child had so looked forward to playing. He may be interested in joining an effort such as a benefit run to help defeat the disease that took his child. If communication is open between parents, common ground can be found where both can work together on something mutually healing, thus drawing them closer together. Communication is the key that allows everyone to grieve in their own way while being supported by the rest of the family..."
written by
Carol A. Ranney
Family Grief & Bereavement Examiner
I just saw the following excerpt on Dana's Blog and thought it was appropriate as the Canadian Father's Day is approaching.
I would like to think that many people in our life have been very conscious of my husbands feelings and role in the loss of our son.
Of course, the emotions and connection to the situation are different. That is inevitable, but the men in our life are grieving the loss of their child as well. Grieving the future they had planned, the love they have invested in their unborn child.
My husband and I are in this together... every step of the way.
Something to think about.
A Father's Grief
"...When a child dies, very often the focus is on the mother. There is a special bond between a mother and her child, and people automatically respond to that by offering the mother comfort, condolences, hugs, shared tears and shared stories. A woman’s typical response to child loss—crying, wanting to talk, wanting to be with others who share her sorrow, lends itself to having others gather round in a circle of support.
The father’s experience may be very different. After his son died, a friend wrote, “It didn’t take long to realize that grief for the father of a child was going to be different. When the first people started coming to the house after the death of our son, the question seemed to ring, Where is your wife? How is she doing? In their minds they realized she had lost a son. She would be grieving the loss. She would be having a hard time, but as for me, the father, they seemed to think I wouldn’t miss him at all. There seemed to be a consensus that the mother suffers the loss but the father doesn’t. Neighbors would walk by me on their way to see my wife. They would comfort her. ‘We are so sorry,’ they would say. ‘Is there anything we can do? How hard this must be for you.’ All this time I stood there too.”
...After the initial overwhelming sorrow, often accompanied by tears, he accepts the obvious fact that their child is gone. He may struggle with overwhelming guilt—as the protector, he perceives that he has failed. His child has died and he did not prevent this from happening, but instead allowed this terrible grief and loss to touch his family. Unrealistic as this is, it can be an overwhelming burden, driven home by the constant tears and grief of his wife. He wants her to understand that he did not mean for this to happen, and he may redouble his efforts at supporting his family, caring for them, working long hours and being the best possible provider, all the while knowing that nothing he does can bring the child back...
Men often express their love and grief through projects, whether or not related directly to the lost child. He may build a fountain in the yard, or finish the deck where his child had so looked forward to playing. He may be interested in joining an effort such as a benefit run to help defeat the disease that took his child. If communication is open between parents, common ground can be found where both can work together on something mutually healing, thus drawing them closer together. Communication is the key that allows everyone to grieve in their own way while being supported by the rest of the family..."
written by
Carol A. Ranney
Family Grief & Bereavement Examiner
Monday, June 15, 2009
Help
Hi There,
I actually got the courage up to post the slideshow from our precious time with Nicholas, but can't figure out how to do it!
Anyone know how to post a PowerPoint slideshow (from my hard drive) to a blog?
Help!
I actually got the courage up to post the slideshow from our precious time with Nicholas, but can't figure out how to do it!
Anyone know how to post a PowerPoint slideshow (from my hard drive) to a blog?
Help!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Beautiful Bree.....
Beautiful Bree at Baby Butterfly Ella made Nicholas this gorgeous butterfly. I am so completely touched. It's beautiful.
Bree - you have such a good heart. Thank you for sharing the love you have for your daughter with us.
xo
Water Bugs and Dragonflies
Just really enjoyed this story.....
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft muck on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.
"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?" Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had the answer. They were greatly puzzled.
Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise," they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."
Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water. "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies, too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went."
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful world of sun and air!
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft muck on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.
"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?" Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had the answer. They were greatly puzzled.
Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise," they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."
Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water. "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies, too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went."
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful world of sun and air!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Each New Life...
Each new life...
No matter how fragile or how brief...
Forever changes the world.
May the love that lives in your heart
Provide a special place
To remember your beautiful baby.
Remembering all of our Angels today and always. xo - Lea
No matter how fragile or how brief...
Forever changes the world.
May the love that lives in your heart
Provide a special place
To remember your beautiful baby.
Remembering all of our Angels today and always. xo - Lea
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Your Daddy
Dear Nicholas,
Your Daddy had a rough night last night. He misses you so much. We miss you so much.
Please let him know how much you love him. I know you are watching over all of us.
PS. I got a glimpse of you today. As I was backing out of the driveway I glanced in my rear view mirror and I swear I saw your little face looking back at me. What a moment... Thank you for giving us those moments. I know they are little signs. I will take what I can get.
This one's for you Daddy - we all love you so much. Thank you for being you. xo
Daddy's Love
Your daddy loves you oh so much
I see it in his eyes.
Every time we speak of you,
He looks up to the sky.
We talk about you often
And wonder what you’d be
If you were down here with us,
With your family.
Daddy is so strong,
His strength surrounds us all.
We lean on him for comfort,
He doesn’t let us fall.
But daddy hurts so deeply,
He misses you so much.
He feels blessed to have known you
And to have felt your touch.
He’s proud to be your daddy
And to have held your hand in his.
He kissed and held you close that day
Forever you’ll be missed.
We love you buddy… xo xo
Mommy (Leanna) – March 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Poems, Quotes and Inspirations
The following post is a compilation of poems, quotes and inspirations that I have come across and wrote after the tragic loss of our son, Nicholas.
I hope that they may bring some comfort to those who need it.
I will continue to add to this collection as I come across others.
Love and strength to you all.
xo
-----------------------------------------------
My tears are watermarks
Which imprint forever
Sentient reminders of gentle hopes
And dreams subdued.
Extant in painful thought they are
And sleep afar
In caves of ancient echoes
Wailing for my perished child
Who now guised in angel's silk
Sings madrigals of sweet delight
And turns my tears heavenward
To drift peacefully into the
Forgiving canyons of winters night.
By: Memnon, the son of Eos, Goddess of Dawn,
mourned his death by weeping every morning.
--------------------------------------------
A Mother’s Heart
When a baby arrives
Be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
Or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment
The fragile spark of a tender soul
The secret swell of a new pregnancy
The goldfish flutter known only by you
You are unmistakably changed…
The tiny footprints left behind on your heart
Bespeak your name as a Mother
A butterfly lights beside us
Blessed to have seen it.
Author Unknown.
-------------------------------------------------
"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Before we said our first hello,
The time had already passed.
For when you held me in your arms,
I had gone to heaven to rest.
I felt angelic tears down my cheeks,
And I watched you as you wept.
I wish I could have changed it all,
Your tears touched my soul so deep
But mommy & daddy when you are sad,
Please be assured I know.
For death cannot take away your love,
It will only continue to grow.
When you are feeling far away,
And missing me so much.
Close your eyes and feel my wings,
Their soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
I will join you in a dream.
You will see me standing close to you.
And we’ll be lost within my wings.
So my dear mommy and daddy,
As you go from day to day,
Find comfort in the knowledge,
I am never that far away.
Angel Whispers
----------------------------------------------------
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.
----------------------------------------------------
A Little While
For just a little while,
You shared my every breath.
I carried you inside of me,
Dancing out the rhythm
Of the same sweet song,
Our hearts beat in harmony.
For just a little while,
I held you deep within.
I nurtured you with body, mind and soul.
When you slipped away,
The absence of your presence
Took a wrenching and tormenting toll.
For just a little while,
Our dreams and hopes
Grew right along with you.
But they came crashing down
When you slipped away from me
And there was nothing anyone could do.
If, for a little while,
I could hold you once again,
And we could share the
rhythm of our hearts,
If we could say hello, good-bye,
Like loved ones do,
When one of them departs,
If, for a little while,
We could have precious moments
Stopped in time
I’d tell you that I love you,
And I’d share my joy
In knowing you were mine…
For just a little while.
~ Gwen Flowers ~
---------------------------------------------------------
Daddy please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry
I'm in the arms of angels and they sing me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind
Don't think he sent me to you and then he changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night,
find the brightest star thats gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze from the gentle wind that blows,
thats me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,
thats me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.
So mama please don't look so sad, Daddy don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of angels and they sing me lullabies.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"For a short time I had
Your body in my body;
I carried
your belly in my belly.
And now, though I have
your heart in my heart
and feel
your soul in my soul,
I will never again have
your hand in my hand.
I miss your life in my life."
- By Johanna - April 27, 1989 - For her Angel, Sarah Rose
--------------------------------------------------------------
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
- Elizabeth Dent
-------------------------------------------------------
"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."
-author unknown
---------------------------------------------------------
Protection
I feel like I am hiding,
Deep within myself.
I’m afraid to show my feelings,
They should be put upon the shelf.
How can I grieve so deeply,
For a soul that wasn’t here.
I think that others feel this way,
How wrong they are, my dear.
I have to smile
And say I’m fine,
When most days I am not.
The pain inside is dimming some,
The light is all I’ve got.
Protecting your memory,
Is a force so deep,
That I cannot explain.
They must know that you were here
And I can’t escape the pain.
I’m grateful for those who honor you
By mentioning your name.
You were here and you are mine,
I love you all the same.
We will always remember…xo
Mommy (Leanna) - February 2009
--------------------------------------------
Daddy's Love
Your daddy loves you oh so much
I see it in his eyes.
Every time we speak of you,
He looks up to the sky.
We talk about you often
And wonder what you’d be
If you were down here with us,
With your family.
Daddy is so strong,
His strength surrounds us all.
We lean on him for comfort,
He doesn’t let us fall.
But daddy hurts so deeply,
He misses you so much.
He feels blessed to have known you
And to have felt your touch.
He’s proud to be your daddy
And to have held your hand in his.
He kissed and held you close that day
Forever you’ll be missed.
We love you buddy… xo xo
Mommy (Leanna) – March 2009
---------------------------------------------
Endless Mommy Love
A mommy’s love is endless
It reaches out of bounds.
I’d like to think it soars up to
The angels in the clouds.
Our baby boy is way up there
Watching over us.
I hope he knows his mommy’s love
Although we cannot touch.
I held you in my arms that day
And watched you as you slept.
I longed to hear your perfect cry,
I held you and I wept.
I cried because we would not share,
So many memories.
I cried because you had to go
And fly with angel wings.
I miss your body
Your heart, your soul
Growing inside of me
I miss your life within my life
I miss what we used to be.
Why couldn’t we bring you home that day,
Everything was done.
Now your crib sits empty,
Your teddy bears alone.
Our family feels incomplete,
Because you are not here.
We ache for our sweet Nicholas,
Please tell me that you’re near.
I pray for peace every day
And deep inside I know,
That love has a way of healing us,
That our love will only grow.
Thinking of you always….
Mommy xo (Leanna) - February 2009
----------------------------------------------
Nicholas' Touch
Your soul, it touched my heart today,
Like it has many times before.
It feels so real, just like you’re here
I ache to feel it more.
Your time with us was much too short
But an impact you have made.
Our lives have changed, our views have too
Our memories won’t fade.
You were given to us for a reason too deep
For anyone to understand.
I believe you came into our lives
So we could forever feel your hand.
Sometimes I cry because we lost you
And other times I smile.
Because I know deep in my heart
You’re with us all the while.
I’ll always remember your smell, your touch
Those kicks that made me squirm.
You were so strong and brave my boy
Those feelings again, I yearn.
We forever have an Angel now,
Someone to watch over us.
I guess that makes us the lucky ones
In that I have to trust.
My comfort is that you went without pain
And although I miss you so.
My heart, my life is full of love
For our boy we had to let go.
They say things happen as they should
“Life works out for the best”.
I don’t believe that “they” were forced
To face the ultimate test.
Losing a child at any stage
Tests a mommy’s soul.
The pain, it reaches much too deep
It doesn’t leave her whole.
For part of me went with you,
And part of me will stay.
To be a mommy to your brother’s
There is no other way.
I hold them both much closer now,
For you have taught me how.
To see life as a special gift,
That we should live within the now.
I love you buddy
So much it hurts
And that love will continue to grow.
I must believe that there will be one day
We’ll meet again and know…
Your soul, it touched my heart today,
That I know for sure.
I cherish those times we come so close,
For my heart begins to soar.
Please know, my love
You will always be
Engrained in all we do.
You touched our lives like a precious gift,
That precious gift is you.
Love,
Mommy xo (Leanna) - January 2009
-------------------------------------------
My Child
You changed me.
You changed who I am,
You changed who I will be
I am forever changed because of you.
You’ve taught me that love has no boundries
You;ve taught me that there is more to life than what I know
You’ve taught me to really truly count my blessings.
You’ve taught me the strength of a bond between a mother and a child.
Life is unpredictable
Life is about the love you share, and the people you share it with
Life isn’t easy and there is pain beyond measure
But my life must continue, even though your life is gone.
I must continue, so that I can change the lives of others
the way you have forever changed me.
--------------------------------------------------
I believe that there is a world
beyond this world
where every soul
finds peace…
that there is a life
beyond this life
where love goes on
and on.
---------------------------------------------------
Blue Against Blue
This heavenly blue butterfly
will fly high in the sky,
higher and higher.
The sunlight will touch
the blue on it’s wings
until it seems to disappear.
We think it is gone,
because the blue of the butterfly
is the exact same blue of the sky.
We think it’s gone,
because our eyes are too wear to see-
and it is difficult
to believe what we cannot see.
But the blue butterfly is not gone.
It is still flying,
higher and higher,
nearer the sun.
Blue against blue.
For now and forever.
-----------------------------------------------------
The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born.
And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and they are but one.
So, when I die, it will be that I have been transformed
from the caterpillar of earth to the butterfly of the universe.
I hope that they may bring some comfort to those who need it.
I will continue to add to this collection as I come across others.
Love and strength to you all.
xo
-----------------------------------------------
My tears are watermarks
Which imprint forever
Sentient reminders of gentle hopes
And dreams subdued.
Extant in painful thought they are
And sleep afar
In caves of ancient echoes
Wailing for my perished child
Who now guised in angel's silk
Sings madrigals of sweet delight
And turns my tears heavenward
To drift peacefully into the
Forgiving canyons of winters night.
By: Memnon, the son of Eos, Goddess of Dawn,
mourned his death by weeping every morning.
--------------------------------------------
A Mother’s Heart
When a baby arrives
Be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
Or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment
The fragile spark of a tender soul
The secret swell of a new pregnancy
The goldfish flutter known only by you
You are unmistakably changed…
The tiny footprints left behind on your heart
Bespeak your name as a Mother
A butterfly lights beside us
Blessed to have seen it.
Author Unknown.
-------------------------------------------------
"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Before we said our first hello,
The time had already passed.
For when you held me in your arms,
I had gone to heaven to rest.
I felt angelic tears down my cheeks,
And I watched you as you wept.
I wish I could have changed it all,
Your tears touched my soul so deep
But mommy & daddy when you are sad,
Please be assured I know.
For death cannot take away your love,
It will only continue to grow.
When you are feeling far away,
And missing me so much.
Close your eyes and feel my wings,
Their soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
I will join you in a dream.
You will see me standing close to you.
And we’ll be lost within my wings.
So my dear mommy and daddy,
As you go from day to day,
Find comfort in the knowledge,
I am never that far away.
Angel Whispers
----------------------------------------------------
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.
----------------------------------------------------
A Little While
For just a little while,
You shared my every breath.
I carried you inside of me,
Dancing out the rhythm
Of the same sweet song,
Our hearts beat in harmony.
For just a little while,
I held you deep within.
I nurtured you with body, mind and soul.
When you slipped away,
The absence of your presence
Took a wrenching and tormenting toll.
For just a little while,
Our dreams and hopes
Grew right along with you.
But they came crashing down
When you slipped away from me
And there was nothing anyone could do.
If, for a little while,
I could hold you once again,
And we could share the
rhythm of our hearts,
If we could say hello, good-bye,
Like loved ones do,
When one of them departs,
If, for a little while,
We could have precious moments
Stopped in time
I’d tell you that I love you,
And I’d share my joy
In knowing you were mine…
For just a little while.
~ Gwen Flowers ~
---------------------------------------------------------
Daddy please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry
I'm in the arms of angels and they sing me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind
Don't think he sent me to you and then he changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night,
find the brightest star thats gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze from the gentle wind that blows,
thats me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,
thats me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.
So mama please don't look so sad, Daddy don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of angels and they sing me lullabies.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"For a short time I had
Your body in my body;
I carried
your belly in my belly.
And now, though I have
your heart in my heart
and feel
your soul in my soul,
I will never again have
your hand in my hand.
I miss your life in my life."
- By Johanna - April 27, 1989 - For her Angel, Sarah Rose
--------------------------------------------------------------
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
- Elizabeth Dent
-------------------------------------------------------
"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."
-author unknown
---------------------------------------------------------
Protection
I feel like I am hiding,
Deep within myself.
I’m afraid to show my feelings,
They should be put upon the shelf.
How can I grieve so deeply,
For a soul that wasn’t here.
I think that others feel this way,
How wrong they are, my dear.
I have to smile
And say I’m fine,
When most days I am not.
The pain inside is dimming some,
The light is all I’ve got.
Protecting your memory,
Is a force so deep,
That I cannot explain.
They must know that you were here
And I can’t escape the pain.
I’m grateful for those who honor you
By mentioning your name.
You were here and you are mine,
I love you all the same.
We will always remember…xo
Mommy (Leanna) - February 2009
--------------------------------------------
Daddy's Love
Your daddy loves you oh so much
I see it in his eyes.
Every time we speak of you,
He looks up to the sky.
We talk about you often
And wonder what you’d be
If you were down here with us,
With your family.
Daddy is so strong,
His strength surrounds us all.
We lean on him for comfort,
He doesn’t let us fall.
But daddy hurts so deeply,
He misses you so much.
He feels blessed to have known you
And to have felt your touch.
He’s proud to be your daddy
And to have held your hand in his.
He kissed and held you close that day
Forever you’ll be missed.
We love you buddy… xo xo
Mommy (Leanna) – March 2009
---------------------------------------------
Endless Mommy Love
A mommy’s love is endless
It reaches out of bounds.
I’d like to think it soars up to
The angels in the clouds.
Our baby boy is way up there
Watching over us.
I hope he knows his mommy’s love
Although we cannot touch.
I held you in my arms that day
And watched you as you slept.
I longed to hear your perfect cry,
I held you and I wept.
I cried because we would not share,
So many memories.
I cried because you had to go
And fly with angel wings.
I miss your body
Your heart, your soul
Growing inside of me
I miss your life within my life
I miss what we used to be.
Why couldn’t we bring you home that day,
Everything was done.
Now your crib sits empty,
Your teddy bears alone.
Our family feels incomplete,
Because you are not here.
We ache for our sweet Nicholas,
Please tell me that you’re near.
I pray for peace every day
And deep inside I know,
That love has a way of healing us,
That our love will only grow.
Thinking of you always….
Mommy xo (Leanna) - February 2009
----------------------------------------------
Nicholas' Touch
Your soul, it touched my heart today,
Like it has many times before.
It feels so real, just like you’re here
I ache to feel it more.
Your time with us was much too short
But an impact you have made.
Our lives have changed, our views have too
Our memories won’t fade.
You were given to us for a reason too deep
For anyone to understand.
I believe you came into our lives
So we could forever feel your hand.
Sometimes I cry because we lost you
And other times I smile.
Because I know deep in my heart
You’re with us all the while.
I’ll always remember your smell, your touch
Those kicks that made me squirm.
You were so strong and brave my boy
Those feelings again, I yearn.
We forever have an Angel now,
Someone to watch over us.
I guess that makes us the lucky ones
In that I have to trust.
My comfort is that you went without pain
And although I miss you so.
My heart, my life is full of love
For our boy we had to let go.
They say things happen as they should
“Life works out for the best”.
I don’t believe that “they” were forced
To face the ultimate test.
Losing a child at any stage
Tests a mommy’s soul.
The pain, it reaches much too deep
It doesn’t leave her whole.
For part of me went with you,
And part of me will stay.
To be a mommy to your brother’s
There is no other way.
I hold them both much closer now,
For you have taught me how.
To see life as a special gift,
That we should live within the now.
I love you buddy
So much it hurts
And that love will continue to grow.
I must believe that there will be one day
We’ll meet again and know…
Your soul, it touched my heart today,
That I know for sure.
I cherish those times we come so close,
For my heart begins to soar.
Please know, my love
You will always be
Engrained in all we do.
You touched our lives like a precious gift,
That precious gift is you.
Love,
Mommy xo (Leanna) - January 2009
-------------------------------------------
My Child
You changed me.
You changed who I am,
You changed who I will be
I am forever changed because of you.
You’ve taught me that love has no boundries
You;ve taught me that there is more to life than what I know
You’ve taught me to really truly count my blessings.
You’ve taught me the strength of a bond between a mother and a child.
Life is unpredictable
Life is about the love you share, and the people you share it with
Life isn’t easy and there is pain beyond measure
But my life must continue, even though your life is gone.
I must continue, so that I can change the lives of others
the way you have forever changed me.
--------------------------------------------------
I believe that there is a world
beyond this world
where every soul
finds peace…
that there is a life
beyond this life
where love goes on
and on.
---------------------------------------------------
Blue Against Blue
This heavenly blue butterfly
will fly high in the sky,
higher and higher.
The sunlight will touch
the blue on it’s wings
until it seems to disappear.
We think it is gone,
because the blue of the butterfly
is the exact same blue of the sky.
We think it’s gone,
because our eyes are too wear to see-
and it is difficult
to believe what we cannot see.
But the blue butterfly is not gone.
It is still flying,
higher and higher,
nearer the sun.
Blue against blue.
For now and forever.
-----------------------------------------------------
The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born.
And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and they are but one.
So, when I die, it will be that I have been transformed
from the caterpillar of earth to the butterfly of the universe.
Nicholas' Touch is "Out"
Nicholas' Touch has been leaked.
By leaked, I mean there are many people in my "real" life (IRL) who now know about my sacred place to share my baby boy.
At first, I was upset about it. However, the more I thought about, the less it really bothers me. It is not a secret. It was not created so I could hide my feelings. It was created to share, to give insight and to hopefully help someone along the way.
I started Nicholas' Touch in an attempt to work through my own feelings over losing our son. It is a place to honour Nicholas, to remember him as a part of our family, a place for our boys to reflect on when they are old enough to do so. It is a place where I have felt safe (when many places have not). A place where I can find support, comfort and compassion from others who have also been forced to travel this heart wrenching journey.
The comments and support I receive are precious. There have been many times when certain women have lifted my spirits, put a small smile on my face, sent tears of gratitude down my cheeks.... and all from a world away. I am constantly amazed at the connection I feel to women, parents, who live an ocean away. It's an intimate bond that I am so extremely grateful for. I only wish that one day, we could all get together to share our Angels, tears and laughter in person.
Somehow I don't think I have the slightest idea of the people IRL who are reading here. I don't get those comments (except from my "Chiquitita" whom I love!). I do get the odd "thinking of you today", or "I read about Nicholas today and it touched me" and for that, I am thankful. I am thankful for those unconditional friends and family. The ones who have stuck by us, no matter what. Through the dark, dark days. We needed to get through those dark days to get to the brighter days and although this grief is eternal we are learning to manage it better. We are rediscovering life. Taking in the joy of our children and I am relieved to say, truly smiling again without forgetting our gorgeous Nicholas.
Jill from Only A Whisper said this about her relationship with her husband "I am proud of us - weathered and brow beaten and together and in love." I don't think that I could say it better myself about my husband and I. We are strong. We are united. And we are so totally in love. I believe that says a lot when together, you go through such a traumatic time. It is said (and I truly believe) that losing a child is among the most painful losses we can experience. My husband and I have hung on to each other for dear life the last several months, even when we didn't feel like it, and we are better for it. We remember Nicholas together, we love him together, most importantly, we are together. I love you babe. xx
So, thank you, thank you to all of you (in blogland and IRL) who read and understand. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. I am hopeful that by reading my posts you choose to try to understand us. Even my best friend said to me "Lea, I had no idea about some of the details.... I am grateful to be able experience your journey with you through your blog, thank you for letting us into your heart, this will help me." That is our wish. Our wish is to help others, both experiencing the loss of a child and those who are the supporters, the families, the friends who are desperate to find a way in.
I will forever be grateful to those people who physically came to my door when I was in the "pit", took my hand and said "I love you and I love Nicholas" or pulled me out of the house for a simple walk. They don't have to do that. Believe me, I know it would be much easier to just let us be, to not face the demons, the sadness, the desperation..... but I thank God they didn't take the easy way out. I thank God that they have faith in us.
No one wrote a book on how to deal with such a tragic loss. My husband and I are honestly doing the best we can. We open up our hearts and only hope and pray that others can accept our raw emotions as they are.
I love you guys... I hope you know who you are.
xx
Sunday, June 7, 2009
7 Months
Not many words today.
Just remembering our little guy.
We love and miss you so much buddy.
Mommy, Daddy and your brothers. xoxoxo
Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Before we said our first hello,
The time had already passed.
For when you held me in your arms,
I had gone to heaven to rest.
I felt angelic tears down my cheeks,
And I watched you as you wept.
I wish I could have changed it all,
Your tears touched my soul so deep
But mommy & daddy when you are sad,
Please be assured I know.
For death cannot take away your love,
It will only continue to grow.
When you are feeling far away,
And missing me so much.
Close your eyes and feel my wings,
Their soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
I will join you in a dream.
You will see me standing close to you.
And we’ll be lost within my wings.
So my dear mommy and daddy,
As you go from day to day,
Find comfort in the knowledge,
I am never that far away.
Just remembering our little guy.
We love and miss you so much buddy.
Mommy, Daddy and your brothers. xoxoxo
Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Before we said our first hello,
The time had already passed.
For when you held me in your arms,
I had gone to heaven to rest.
I felt angelic tears down my cheeks,
And I watched you as you wept.
I wish I could have changed it all,
Your tears touched my soul so deep
But mommy & daddy when you are sad,
Please be assured I know.
For death cannot take away your love,
It will only continue to grow.
When you are feeling far away,
And missing me so much.
Close your eyes and feel my wings,
Their soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
I will join you in a dream.
You will see me standing close to you.
And we’ll be lost within my wings.
So my dear mommy and daddy,
As you go from day to day,
Find comfort in the knowledge,
I am never that far away.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Blogs That Make My Heart Smile
Thank you to Emalee for nominating Nicholas' Touch as one of her favourite blogs. That definitely makes my heart smile.
The following are just a few blogs that I enjoy keeping up with. These ladies often make me smile (in no particular order). I wish I could choose more than 10.
Shanti Mama
Amy
Mary
Sally
Dana
Bree
Carly K.
Monique
Lynda
Margaret
You are all such blessings.
xx
Thursday, June 4, 2009
"Normal"
I just read this on Dana's Blog and wanted to share.
This is our new "normal":
Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentines day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.....yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a child NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someones loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all,
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
This "normal" is torture.
This is our new "normal":
Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentines day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.....yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a child NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someones loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all,
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
This "normal" is torture.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Angry and Hurt
I am soooooooo angry today, mostly hurt, but so angry too.
At the world.
At whoever thought it was okay to take our baby away from us.
At the fact that there are just some people who choose not to bother with us, because it's easier for them.
At those people who seem to think it's okay to make this journey even more difficult on us.
At the fact I can't dismiss these people because they are family. (If it was anyone else, I wouldn't be so upset...they wouldn't deserve to be a part of my life.)
At the fact that when our feelings are not acknowledged.... I feel like those people are not acknowledging and honoring our son, Nicholas.
Thank you very much.
At the world.
At whoever thought it was okay to take our baby away from us.
At the fact that there are just some people who choose not to bother with us, because it's easier for them.
At those people who seem to think it's okay to make this journey even more difficult on us.
At the fact I can't dismiss these people because they are family. (If it was anyone else, I wouldn't be so upset...they wouldn't deserve to be a part of my life.)
At the fact that when our feelings are not acknowledged.... I feel like those people are not acknowledging and honoring our son, Nicholas.
Thank you very much.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Hope in Rainbows
We saw a double rainbow this weekend! And the entire rainbow was visible! (I only wish I had our camera handy - this isn't the rainbow we saw).
Don't they say that a double rainbow is good luck?
I swear I was looking for the pot of gold at the end... but mostly I was thinking of our beautiful boy, Nicholas and how stunning the colours must have looked from where he is.
I'm not sure that I believe in signs.... but I will take anything these days. This rainbow and the excitement on my boys faces gave me a little glimpse of hope and brighter days to come.
Love and strength to you all.
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