Tuesday, June 23, 2009
So, yesterday was the day. We had our meeting about Nicholas' autopsy report.
I can honestly say that, like in many other situations, the anticipation of the day was much worse than the meeting itself.
Don't get me wrong, it was tough. We took the same route to the hospital, went up the same elevators, walked down the same halls, passed the office where we learned of Nicholas' condition and met with the same doctors. It was all very surreal, but in the end, I felt a sense of peace.
We arrived very early (you never know how the traffic will be) so we got a coffee and sat outside the hospital for a good hour. I kept feeling this overwhelming pull to go find Nicholas and hold him again. It's amazing how crazy (and cruel) our minds can be, isn't it? I guess I felt this way because (besides the funeral home) that hospital, in those surroundings was where I first and last met our son. Where I held him, cried over him, kissed his wet little face....
We didn't find out anything too different than what had been speculated originally. What happened with Nicholas' brain was most likely due to the events leading up to my surgery or the surgery itself. It kills me to think that my body compromised necessary blood and oxygen to our baby boy. I look at the pain in my boys and my husband's faces and I often think "I caused this". My body failed me, our family and our sweet Angel. Up until that 20 week mark when I collapsed, Nicholas was on track, healthy.... and alive. I know, I know, it's an irrational thought. Nobody could have predicted these horrible events, but the guilt, the anguish will always be with me. I think it's just instilled in me now... a burden I will always carry.
Our other boys stayed with their Nana, so we went to pick them up later in the afternoon. When we arrived, our oldest son was very excited to tell us that he and Nana had bought a balloon. A blue, helium balloon for Nicholas. He also made a little note.... I helped him tie it to the balloon and when we got home we said a few words, he kissed it and let it go.... high in the sky. It was a gorgeous, clear day, so we actually got to see it for quite a while..... until "Nicholas caught it". He was still asking me this morning if Nicholas got his note. "I know he did".
So, if you look up into the sky today (wherever you are) look for a perfect, blue balloon. It was sent to Heaven with kisses and tons of love for our Angel.
A BIG thank you to all who remembered our day yesterday! It means so much to have such thoughtful and wonderful friends who take the time to let us know they are thinking of us..... xx
~Kisses to Heaven~
Today I sent a kiss to Heaven
I'm encouraging all of you to try
For if I have shared this with you
You have had a child die.
This kiss came from deep inside
And I know that it truly was received
Right after I had sent my kiss
A calming breeze surrounded me.
Not only that, a wind chime rang
From where I do not know
But I felt my children smile at me
And say they love me so.
Take a kiss within your hands
And look up to the sky
Release that kiss with loving care
Now please try not to cry.
Once your kiss is off to them
To Heaven's gate above
Just look for any single sign
Of your child's precious love.