Raw Emotions

I attended my 5th or 6th support group meeting the other evening. For 5 or 6 weeks there have only been the same people; myself, a girlfriend of mine who lost one of her twins, and another couple who lost their little boy almost a year ago. We have gotten quite comfortable with each other and look forward to our monthly meetings. Well, the other evening another woman (C) joined us. She is only 3 weeks out from losing her baby girl, full term, for no "apparent" reason.

We all started the meeting again by sharing our stories and welcoming (if that's what you want to call it) C to our unique group. As I sat and cried while listening to her heart wrenching story, I couldn't help but remember all of the emotions of being in that place. So early on. When the pain is so excruciating and raw. Acute grief is a horrible, hideous emotion to have to endure. It sucks the life out of us, it consumes our soul. It renders us helpless and without hope.

From what I do remember of those first several weeks after we lost Nicholas, the emotions that I felt were imminent, catastrophic. I didn't feel the slight bit prepared to deal with such foreign emotions. Darkness, desperation, disbelief, confusion and anger blurred my vision, and shaded my heart. In those very early days I didn't know how I would ever emerge from such shock and fear. I felt completely out of control, not fully cognisant of the world conitnuing to spin around me.

I remember feeling and, to a point, wanting to be so isolated. I was not interested in the lives of others around me. I became detached - their lives so different and routine.

Nothing would be routine for us again. We lost our baby boy. It is a trauma that will never go away. In the beginning I remember feeling like the offer of help and support from friends and family seemed utterly pointless. My pain is not 'fixable'. There is nothing I (or anyone else) can do to bring my baby back. I remember thinking no amount of talking will bring Nicholas back, so what's the point?

Well, when we were only 3 weeks out from losing Nicholas I was driving (I should not have been driving) in a haze and ended up at the local Bereavement Services (where our support meetings are now held). I'm not sure what got me there... I don't even recall knowing it was there. My point is, I'm glad that I made that step. Even so early on. When I was in such immense pain, I reached out. I reached out because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I didn't want to become completely helpless when it came to the rest of my family. I needed to find some strength somewhere. Some strength to step up and be the mommy I wanted to be for my two living sons. Some strength to help my husband through his 'bad' days. Some strength to get my butt out of bed.

Reaching out for support was one of the hardest, yet one of the best things that I have done through this process. The loss of a child is such a unique loss. It is comforting to be surrounded by those who truly, truly understand.

I understood this woman the other night. I was exactly where she is right now, we all were. So early in her journey, when the pain is too fresh to bare. I was proud of her for making that step. For somehow recognizing that doing something is better than doing nothing. We are all so unique and individual, but I truly believe that in our darkest moments we really do need each other.

Thinking of C today and all the others who are joining us on this life-long journey.

xx