Nicholas' Touch is "Out"

Nicholas' Touch has been leaked.

By leaked, I mean there are many people in my "real" life (IRL) who now know about my sacred place to share my baby boy.

At first, I was upset about it. However, the more I thought about, the less it really bothers me. It is not a secret. It was not created so I could hide my feelings. It was created to share, to give insight and to hopefully help someone along the way.

I started Nicholas' Touch in an attempt to work through my own feelings over losing our son. It is a place to honour Nicholas, to remember him as a part of our family, a place for our boys to reflect on when they are old enough to do so. It is a place where I have felt safe (when many places have not). A place where I can find support, comfort and compassion from others who have also been forced to travel this heart wrenching journey.

The comments and support I receive are precious. There have been many times when certain women have lifted my spirits, put a small smile on my face, sent tears of gratitude down my cheeks.... and all from a world away. I am constantly amazed at the connection I feel to women, parents, who live an ocean away. It's an intimate bond that I am so extremely grateful for. I only wish that one day, we could all get together to share our Angels, tears and laughter in person.

Somehow I don't think I have the slightest idea of the people IRL who are reading here. I don't get those comments (except from my "Chiquitita" whom I love!). I do get the odd "thinking of you today", or "I read about Nicholas today and it touched me" and for that, I am thankful. I am thankful for those unconditional friends and family. The ones who have stuck by us, no matter what. Through the dark, dark days. We needed to get through those dark days to get to the brighter days and although this grief is eternal we are learning to manage it better. We are rediscovering life. Taking in the joy of our children and I am relieved to say, truly smiling again without forgetting our gorgeous Nicholas.

Jill from Only A Whisper said this about her relationship with her husband "I am proud of us - weathered and brow beaten and together and in love." I don't think that I could say it better myself about my husband and I. We are strong. We are united. And we are so totally in love. I believe that says a lot when together, you go through such a traumatic time. It is said (and I truly believe) that losing a child is among the most painful losses we can experience. My husband and I have hung on to each other for dear life the last several months, even when we didn't feel like it, and we are better for it. We remember Nicholas together, we love him together, most importantly, we are together. I love you babe. xx

So, thank you, thank you to all of you (in blogland and IRL) who read and understand. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. I am hopeful that by reading my posts you choose to try to understand us. Even my best friend said to me "Lea, I had no idea about some of the details.... I am grateful to be able experience your journey with you through your blog, thank you for letting us into your heart, this will help me." That is our wish. Our wish is to help others, both experiencing the loss of a child and those who are the supporters, the families, the friends who are desperate to find a way in.

I will forever be grateful to those people who physically came to my door when I was in the "pit", took my hand and said "I love you and I love Nicholas" or pulled me out of the house for a simple walk. They don't have to do that. Believe me, I know it would be much easier to just let us be, to not face the demons, the sadness, the desperation..... but I thank God they didn't take the easy way out. I thank God that they have faith in us.

No one wrote a book on how to deal with such a tragic loss. My husband and I are honestly doing the best we can. We open up our hearts and only hope and pray that others can accept our raw emotions as they are.

I love you guys... I hope you know who you are.

xx