Nicholas' Results

The phone call I have both been eagerly awaiting and desperately dreading finally came the other day. Nicholas' autopsy result is final and we have a meeting set with the doctors on June 22.

We don't expect to find out anything more or new other than what we already know (that the insult to Nicholas' brain was all because of an unheard of, horrible "fluke"). I hate hearing that... I hate the doctors referring to my baby boy as a "fluke".

I think it will be a relief to finally be able to jump this next hurdle in our journey - but I'm terrified. I'm terrified of going back down to 'that' hospital. The hospital where we learned of our son's demise, the hospital where we had to birth him, the hospital where we said good-bye. I am terrified of going to meet with these doctors and have to sit in that same office. The office where we were told that our boy would most likely not survive birth. The office where we had to face the most horrendous, difficult, heart wrenching decision of our entire life. I am terrified of hearing anything else. Anything different. Anything new to add to our heartache.

I'm just terrified.... obviously.

Kreative Blogger Nominations

JenJen at Lily's Mommy Forever
nominated me for this award. So cool! Thank you.




Here are the rules...


1. When given the award, you write about seven things that you love.

2. Pass the award to seven bloggers that you love, and be sure to tag them and let them know they've won. (You can copy the award and post it on your sideboard.)

7 Things I Love:

1. Our boys. Our 2 earth angels, without whom I am convinced I wouldn't be getting out of bed in the morning. And, of course, Nicholas, who is forever watching over us.

2. My husband. He has been my rock. My true hero through the most trying and difficult time in our life. I love him unconditionally.

3. My family. Who continue to be supportive during the good and the bad.

4. Our cottage. The one place that is our safe haven. My husband and I met there, he proposed to me there, we got married on the property. It is a very special place for us.

5. My friends. I have a few close friends who have withstood the ravages of this grief with me. I am forever grateful for their support, their unselfishness and their love.

6. My home. One of the very few places where I feel 'safe' these days. For so long after Nicholas died, I felt so exposed, vulnerable.... and home was the one place I knew was my own.... where we could just 'be' and not pretend to be feeling something that I wasn't. (I suspect I will feel like that from now on, to some extent).

7. Spring/Summer. There is something about the fresh, clean air, the new flowers, green grass that soothes the soul. I am thankful to be able to get out and enjoy the weather now. It was a very long, difficult and dismal winter.

Okay - so now for my nominees:

1. Bir
2. Kate
3. Courtney
4. Angie
5. Margaret
6. Gregory's Mommy
7. Shanti Mama

Thanks ladies.

xo

Mattie's Mommy

Hi Ladies,

Mattie's mommy, Rosalin, is new to blogland and one of the many who have unfortunately joined our DBM group. The following is a link to her blog. Please take a minute and lend her some love and support.

Tiny Footprints on My Heart

Thank you.... xo

Hurt

So, it was probably over 2 months ago when I was faced with a barage of questions and comments about babies.

Yep, babies.

Newborns, to be exact.

A newborn who came into this world, beautiful and alive just 4 1/2 weeks after Nicholas was born.... sound asleep.

At first, the questions were standard. "How are so and so doing with the new baby?" I was more than happy to answer the question. I actually found it to be a thoughtful question... nice to show interest.

But it wasn't left at that.

"Oh, she must be beautiful..... your parents must be so proud.... she must look an awful lot like so and so." And on and on it went.

Then, the killer...

"I'm sure that it will get easier for you once all of these babies coming into the family start growing up".

Are you SERIOUS????????

I was shocked, astounded really, that something so insensitive (and so far from the truth) would come out of this person's mouth. And then I just hurt.... deep, deep, down, I hurt for my little boy.

Not only were we forced to deal with this situation... this lack of respect and understanding, but we were then told that this person's feelings were hurt over the fact that we were upset about what was said. We were expected to reach out and apologize.

My blood boils. Not for the questions and comments (that is something I can forgive) but for the simple fact that our world has been turned upside down and this person makes it all about them.

There has still not been an acknowledgment on this person's part. Not an "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive", or "after I said those things I realized that I shouldn't have".

Nothing.

Not a word.

Everything just goes on as usual.

And I don't want to talk to this person. I don't want to answer the phone.

First of all, I am angry and hurt by how this all unfolded. Second of all, I am terrified at what this person may say next (as they clearly don't feel like anything they said before was inappropriate).

Please know that I do not want anyone to be "careful" of what they say to us. I don't want everyone walking on eggshells. I know people talk about babies, pregnancy... new life and how wonderful and joyous it is. I know that, and I accept that.

But, come on. Some things are just better left unsaid. I certainly don't need it rubbed in my face.

Thoughts...

I have been reading snippets of a book called "A Blessing in Disguise" by Andrea Joy Cohen MD. My Aunt gave me this book a little while ago when she came to visit. I have come across a few insights that I would like to share;

"When a cloud is about to become rain, if the cloud knows it is not going to die, it is going to be transformed into rain, then it would not be afraid at all. To be a cloud in the sky is very beautiful. But to be the rain, falling on the grass, is also very beautiful. And with that kind of knowledge, a cloud is not afraid of dying. I t is impossible for a cloud to die. A cloud can only become the rain, the snow, or the ice. A cloud can never die, and become nothing."

There was something about the simplicity of this thought that touched me deeply. To think that our babies are always here. Not physically, but in other forms. Whether that be in the form of a butterfly, the wind on your cheek or in the laughter of other children... our babies are with us. Deep within us. We just have to learn how to recognize them.

Another excerpt:

"In our mind we think that to 'be born' means that from no one, you suddenly become someone. That is the moment that you call birth. If you were born on Feb 1 2000, and you think that before that moment you did not exist, you are wrong. You were already in the womb of you mother before that. That day of you birth is only the day that you were out, here on the earth. So to say that you did not exist before that date, that is incorrect. Before that moment, you had been there, inside of your mother; she had carried you for many months and during those months we cannot say that you did not exist. You already existed before your birth date. You were the object of love of your mommy and your daddy. That is why you have to put the date back several months."

.... we all feel this. It's just nice to read it too.

Hope you all find these thought provoking also.

Love to you all.. xxx

I love him

My head is swimming. Swimming with so many thoughts, so much grief, so much pain.... I can't seem to make sense of it. I sit here trying to put into words, trying to articulate the feelings that are bubbling inside and feel a bit lost. But here it goes. It may be a bit messy.

This past weekend was a holiday here in Canada - Victoria Day - the "unofficial" kick off to summer. We headed up to our family cottage on Saturday and set to work (and play). There is always so much preparation to be done in the hopes to relax on the beautiful days of summer. The weather wasn't great (cold and very windy) but that didn't stop the boys from helping daddy and papa. I couldn't help but think of what could have been. If we lived in a perfect world I would have been introducing Nicholas to cottage life. To the place where his mommy and daddy met. The place we got married. The place we have enjoyed so many happy memories. Instead, we are thinking about burying his ashes on the property. I constantly struggle with why any parent should have to think about such a horrendous thing. Why babies die. And I know all too well that babies do die. Way more than is even comprehensible.

Our beautiful boy would be learning to sit up, he would be rolling over, he would be starting his rice cereal. All of these things are constant thoughts in my head, but they are most definitely brought to the forefront when my baby niece comes to visit. My niece was born just 4 1/2 weeks after we lost Nicholas. She was born 5 weeks early and we often say that Nicholas was her guardian angel that day because she D pulled through and is now a thriving, beautiful little girl.

I hate, hate, hate to admit that I cringe when I hear my parents get so excited when they know she is coming for a visit. It's like, "clear the deck, here comes the baby in the family." Another little piece of my heart is shattered when I realize that she is the only baby in the family. There were so many plans for Nicholas and D to grow up together. So many plans that are now only in the stars.

D was rolling over on the weekend. One of the major milestones. Everyone was laughing and cheering her on, except for me, I was busy crying and feeling sorry for myself and my sweet boy in the bathroom. He would be rolling over too. In fact, he would be showing her how it's done.

And then I think, no, actually, in all likelihood he would not have made any of those milestones. He most likely would not have lived through the birth experience because of the abnormality he was faced with - and this makes me even more sad - even more defensive - and even more crazy with pain.

The 'why's' are the absolute worst. They are my worst enemy, my worst nightmare come true.

A neighbour dropped the cottage on the weekend and we were all catching up on the latest gossip and news from the winter. "Sure was a long winter, it's nice to finally be back up here"..... Oh yes, the winter was long, agonizing, torture... Hell actually. This woman went on about how her SIL lost his family business and has been suffering from the affects of stress, blah, blah, blah. Now, I agree, that is a life-altering event in one's life, but I hardly relate it to birthing your dead son, holding him, loving him and saying goodbye to him all at once. Now, this woman is elderly, but she does know of our situation. I am so utterly amazed at how people handle the unimaginable... like not mentioning my baby will be much better for all involved... NOT. She actually asked me what I was doing for excitement these days.... WHAT? I answered politely, "we have enough "excitement" in our lives at the moment" and left it at that.

Am I super sensitive? Yes. Am I okay with that? Yes. Do I want people to acknowledge Nicholas as a person and as a part of our family? Yes. Do I love my baby Angel desperately? Yes, dammit!

Well, I think that will conclude my rant for today.... stay tuned.

An Angel Never Dies

Hi Everyone.

I have so much to say... so much whirling around in my head... I just can't seem to get it all out... eloquently anyway. Soon, I promise. But for now, I came across this poem on one of the blogs (I can't remember where - sorry!).

I found it very touching.


An Angel Never Dies - author unknown

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and
Then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”…
An Angel Never Dies.

Ruby

Today my dear, wonderful friend, J, remembers her little girl, Ruby. One year ago today, Ruby became a beautiful, precious Angel and now dances in the clouds with our Angels. I am hopeful that they have found each other just as we have.

We are remembering Ruby with you today, J. Nicholas' candle was lit last night and will be again tonight.

I hope today is gentle on you and your family.

Love and hugs,
Lea xo

Thinking of Noah

I came across this blog in my surfing this morning and was so completely touched by this family's story that I had to share. This little miracle, Noah, is a beautiful 6 month old darling. Just a few weeks ago, he was shaken by his caregiver and ended up in hospital with severe injuries. By the Grace of God, he is now home with his parents, recovering, but he and his family face a long, challenging road ahead.

Please stop by Noah's Road to read their story and offer some and love and support.

Rainbows

Rainbows is an international, not-for-profit organization that fosters emotional healing among children grieving a loss from a life-altering crisis.

My oldest son's teacher recommended this program through his school just after we lost Nicholas. He would meet with a facilitator and other children experiencing crisis once a week and talk about their feelings, do crafts and just hang out. Evan was always very excited about attending these groups and for that, I was thankful.

Yesterday, the Rainbows Group had a "Celebrate Me" day at school and invited parents to attend. I went and was appreciative of what I saw. Although the group was big, there was a definite sense of calm and happiness among the children. An understanding that everyone there was there because they were experiencing scary feelings or events in their lives that were somewhat similar. They were understood. They were not alone.

What an amazing concept. The work that the Rainbows Organization does to assist children through tragic times is amazing. Often, a different venue, a different outlet, is what these children need in order to feel comfortable sharing their feelings. I am thankful that we were pointed in this direction for Evan. I support this organization wholeheartedly.

Sleep Well, Kayleigh

Just last night another sweet Angel slipped away from her family. Kayleigh Anne Freeman fought an unbelievable fight. She is a true Angel, in every sense of the word.

Please visit her family's blog and offer some support. They sure could use some love right now.

My Mini Trip

So, my trip to Ottawa was very, very nice. As we all say so often, the anticipation was much worse than the trip itself. I hadn't seen my wonderful friend in approx. 2 years. She is one of those friends you can just pick up with no matter how long it's been. We have always had a strong connection and this time was no different. In fact, I felt the connection even more with this visit.

I shared our sweet Nicholas with her. I shared his scrapbook, I shared some stories, we shared some tears. We talked a little about her pregnancy and her plans and that was okay. She is a beautiful person, a fantastic mom (I finally got to meet her almost 2 year old - cutie!) and a friend I am so honored to have in my life.

The Tulip Festival was on in Ottawa last week. Here are few of the shots. It was really, really beautiful.

Dear Nicholas

Dear Nicholas,

My sweet, sweet boy. Today is Mother's Day and mommy misses you so much. I miss your body in my body, your belly in my belly, your hand in my hand. Most of all, I miss your life in my life.

I will forever have your heart in my heart and feel your soul in my soul. Sometimes that's just not enough... We ache for you, sweet one.

Sleep well, Angel. We all love you so much.

Mommy, Daddy, Evan and Kyle

Ottawa

Well, I'm off to Ottawa for a couple of days. Wish me luck!

Thinking of you all.

xo

Heart Kisses

So, I'm tucking Evan into bed last night (our oldest) and giving him lots of kisses. He starts smacking his lips and says "mommy, wait... I have to get them (the kisses) into my tummy." I said, "oh, okay" and just smiled. Then he looks at me and says "well, maybe just to my heart".... Awwwww, I melted and was reminded, once again, how precious these blessings are.

Just thought I'd share.


xo

Some Pictures

Every spring I take a picture of the boys (intended for Mother's Day gifts). This year it has been very difficult to get in the 'mood'. In my heart, I wanted to incorporate Nicholas in some way. My Aunt gave me a beautiful, little, white bear with angel wings when we lost Nicholas. It sits beside one of his pictures in our home. So, I decided that that bear will symbolize our sweet Angel. Sigh.....he should physically be in the picture with his brothers....

Anyway, here are a few of the shots we managed to take.



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Love to you all.

xo