I am going on a mini vacation to Ottawa next week. I have a very good girlfriend who lives there. We haven't seen each other in a couple of years because the distance to drive is about 5-6 hours and with kids.... just not much of an option. My Dad has a business trip in Ottawa next week and asked me a couple of months ago if I wanted to fly down with him and visit with my friend (he would buy my ticket). So, I hesitated, as just going to the store for a bag of milk sometimes brings me anxiety these days (how would I be on a plane, visiting someone's elses house, and on the 7th of May, no less??? - we lost Nicholas November 7). Eventually I said yes... and thank you. I thought it would do me some good?
Well, I had a call from this friend last week to inform me that she may look "different" when I meet her at the airport. My heart sank, I mean, literally sank and ached for what I knew was coming next. "I cut my hair short".... phew, instant, momentary relief.... "and I'm 6 months pregnant". Crap! I knew it! Of course she is pregnant, why not? Why not throw something else in my face right? It's funny because I had this nagging feeling for a couple of weeks that this may be the case. She has an almost 2 year old and the timing of another baby just works. So, I thought that it was a possibility, yet, I hadn't heard anything so I thought I was home free.... then she called.
As most you reading here know the feelings associated with this kind of news, I am very, very happy for her and her growing family - it's just that pregnancy and newborns are just sooooooo hard for me to deal with right now. BUT, it's not about me. It's about my beautiful friend and this new life she is nurturing inside her belly I just hope that it turns out better for her...... Gosh, I hate that that is our reality now. I hate that that is my most prominent feeling about her pregnancy.
So, to top it all off, I go to my closet this morning to pull out the suitcase I want to take to Ottawa.... Well, let's just say that I guess I haven't used that suitcase for 6 months. I opened it up and found a receiving blanket, my granny style pregnancy underwear, thick pads and nursing pads..... Uggggg!!!! Not a good morning all around. Thanks for the "reminder" suitcase.
7 comments:
Any chance you can stay home and blame it on the swine flu scare? I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I just wait for people to tell me this news. I am pregnant again myself, and I STILL can't look at someone's pregnant belly or hear about their newborns. It hurts too much and it feels like something that gets to be so innocent for others will never be that way for us. I will be thinking of you. Hugs.
How tough. I hope the journey ends up being a good one regardless, and *hugs* to you as you come up on 6 months. We lost Gideon on October 12th, and his 6 month day last month was hard. I know what you mean - it's so hard for this to be our new reality.
Ahhh, stupid suitcase. Lea, I hope that you do get a chance to enjoy yourself even though this sounds like a difficult trip now. You are a very good friend. I'll be thinking of you.
Lea, I pray that you recieve strength if you decide to still go. As I read your story, I too feared those words would come. This is so hard. Know that I believe this will get better for all of us. I don't know when but I have to believe it will.
Ugh. Oh, honey, you know, what gets me through these things is thinking, "I can always cancel. I can always come home." And I just take it day by day until I actually leave, see my pregnant friend, head out with people who never look me in the eye...whatever it is. Sending you much love, strength and grounding.
Oh, opening the suitcase and finding those things.... so hard. Good luck with your meeting, it may not be as difficult as you are anticipating. The anticipation is almost always worse than the event, usually. Sending strength and love.
Ouch, that hurts. I think I would have to cancel. It might be better than you think though. I hope so.
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