I love him

My head is swimming. Swimming with so many thoughts, so much grief, so much pain.... I can't seem to make sense of it. I sit here trying to put into words, trying to articulate the feelings that are bubbling inside and feel a bit lost. But here it goes. It may be a bit messy.

This past weekend was a holiday here in Canada - Victoria Day - the "unofficial" kick off to summer. We headed up to our family cottage on Saturday and set to work (and play). There is always so much preparation to be done in the hopes to relax on the beautiful days of summer. The weather wasn't great (cold and very windy) but that didn't stop the boys from helping daddy and papa. I couldn't help but think of what could have been. If we lived in a perfect world I would have been introducing Nicholas to cottage life. To the place where his mommy and daddy met. The place we got married. The place we have enjoyed so many happy memories. Instead, we are thinking about burying his ashes on the property. I constantly struggle with why any parent should have to think about such a horrendous thing. Why babies die. And I know all too well that babies do die. Way more than is even comprehensible.

Our beautiful boy would be learning to sit up, he would be rolling over, he would be starting his rice cereal. All of these things are constant thoughts in my head, but they are most definitely brought to the forefront when my baby niece comes to visit. My niece was born just 4 1/2 weeks after we lost Nicholas. She was born 5 weeks early and we often say that Nicholas was her guardian angel that day because she D pulled through and is now a thriving, beautiful little girl.

I hate, hate, hate to admit that I cringe when I hear my parents get so excited when they know she is coming for a visit. It's like, "clear the deck, here comes the baby in the family." Another little piece of my heart is shattered when I realize that she is the only baby in the family. There were so many plans for Nicholas and D to grow up together. So many plans that are now only in the stars.

D was rolling over on the weekend. One of the major milestones. Everyone was laughing and cheering her on, except for me, I was busy crying and feeling sorry for myself and my sweet boy in the bathroom. He would be rolling over too. In fact, he would be showing her how it's done.

And then I think, no, actually, in all likelihood he would not have made any of those milestones. He most likely would not have lived through the birth experience because of the abnormality he was faced with - and this makes me even more sad - even more defensive - and even more crazy with pain.

The 'why's' are the absolute worst. They are my worst enemy, my worst nightmare come true.

A neighbour dropped the cottage on the weekend and we were all catching up on the latest gossip and news from the winter. "Sure was a long winter, it's nice to finally be back up here"..... Oh yes, the winter was long, agonizing, torture... Hell actually. This woman went on about how her SIL lost his family business and has been suffering from the affects of stress, blah, blah, blah. Now, I agree, that is a life-altering event in one's life, but I hardly relate it to birthing your dead son, holding him, loving him and saying goodbye to him all at once. Now, this woman is elderly, but she does know of our situation. I am so utterly amazed at how people handle the unimaginable... like not mentioning my baby will be much better for all involved... NOT. She actually asked me what I was doing for excitement these days.... WHAT? I answered politely, "we have enough "excitement" in our lives at the moment" and left it at that.

Am I super sensitive? Yes. Am I okay with that? Yes. Do I want people to acknowledge Nicholas as a person and as a part of our family? Yes. Do I love my baby Angel desperately? Yes, dammit!

Well, I think that will conclude my rant for today.... stay tuned.