Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Under the Tree - March

Carly, once again, thank you for encouraging these conversations.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby?

We have a table set up in our living/dining room for our Nicholas. On it sits a beautiful memory box with his picture that a dear friend gave us after we lost our angel. I have also framed a poem that I wrote for him in the early days. I have placed the "Caring" Willow Tree Angel that was given to me by my SIL and a gorgeous, ivory votive holder which we light every so often. Another piece sits on his table, it was given to me by another baby lost mommy (whom I have never met). The inscription reads "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

We also have a frame with Nicholas' picture and foot imprints placed together with our other two sons.

Besides thinking of him often, I don't have any rituals in place. I suspect as the years go by (gosh, it hurts to say that) we will begin traditions to honor our son.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I am not a religious person, however, I do feel like I have become a lot more spiritual in the last few months. I believe in Angels, now more than ever, and I believe that there is a Heaven. I have to, because I can't bare the thought of never meeting with my sweet boy again.

I feel Nicholas' presence every minute of every day. He is in my heart, in my soul. I can't say that I have consciously been given a 'sign' from him (although a beautiful butterfly in the middle of a Canadian winter may be one?) I often wish for some kind of sign, some kind of tangible reminder that he is with us... maybe I'm looking too hard. But I know he is with us. The 'signs' to me come when my boys ask about their baby brother, out of nowhere - that takes my breath away.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby?

I have written a few poems since losing Nicholas. This one is one of the first and it sits on his table in our home.

Nicholas’ Touch
Your soul, it touched my heart today,
Like it has many times before.
It feels so real, just like you’re here
I ache to feel it more.

Your time with us was much too short
But an impact you have made.
Our lives have changed, our views have too
Our memories won’t fade.

You were given to us for a reason too deep
For anyone to understand.
I believe you came into our lives
So we could forever feel your hand.

Sometimes I cry because we lost you
And other times I smile.
Because I know deep in my heart
You’re with us all the while.

I’ll always remember your smell, your touch
Those kicks that made me squirm.
You were so strong and brave my boy
Those feelings again, I yearn.

We forever have an Angel now,
Someone to watch over us.
I guess that makes us the lucky ones
In that I have to trust.

My comfort is that you went without pain
And although I miss you so.
My heart, my life is full of love
For our boy we had to let go.

They say things happen as they should
“Life works out for the best”.
I don’t believe that “they” were forced
To face the ultimate test.

Losing a child at any stage
Tests a mommy’s soul.
The pain, it reaches much too deep
It doesn’t leave her whole.

For part of me went with you,
And part of me will stay.
To be a mommy to your brother’s
There is no other way.

I hold them both much closer now,
For you have taught me how.
To see life as a special gift,
That we should live within the now.

I love you buddy
So much it hurts
And that love will continue to grow.
I must believe that there will be one day
We’ll meet again and know…

Your soul, it touched my heart today,
That I know for sure.
I cherish those times we come so close,
For my heart begins to soar.

Please know, my love
You will always be
Engrained in all we do.
You touched our lives like a precious gift,
That precious gift is you.

Mommy xo
January 2009

I actually have printed out quite a few poems, quotes that I have found to be helpful and inspirational. Here are just a few;

"But do not be afraid to cry,
it does relieve the pain,
but remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain".

"When you are walking
down the street
and you've got me on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind".

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair.. one kiss of his mouth.. one touch of his hand.. than an eternity without it.."


alliecat said...

What an absolutely beautiful poem. Your Nicholas is just gorgeous. I feel for you and your family's pain so early in your journey of 'life after' such an enormous loss. I'll be reading here a bit, hope that's okay. xox from another bereaved mummy in Australia.

Anna said...

Your poem and quotes are wonderful. As is the table you have set up for Nicholas. (((hugs)))

Dana said...

I am so sorry that your beautiful Nicholas is not here with you. I know what a heartbreaking choice you had to make because I had to make it myself. A life of tubes and needles is no life at all and your Nicholas was born straight from the comfort of your womb into Heaven where he waits for you. You definitely have a gift for poetry--they are beautiful!

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