Monday, November 2, 2009

Thanking you...

I just want to take a minute and thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the love and support you are showing us. From simple emails, to supportive comments on blog posts, to seeing our Nicholas' name spelled out in bright, colourful crayons..... I thank you. Each small gesture truly makes a lasting impression on my heart.

My new friends.

My ally's.

My safe place.

As Nicholas' Angel Day approaches much too quickly, I feel as though I am suffocating again. I am trying to stay busy. Trying to stay 'positive'... I'm exhausted and drained and emotionally worn out. The reality of losing him feels so incredibly raw again. So intense... like I am back in those horribly soul searing moments when we learned of our baby's fate.

I remember, in the early days after losing Nicholas, hearing that, as a grieving mother, you will physically ache for your baby. I did. Feverishly. My arms ached to feel the weight of my son again. My body literally throbbed and pleaded to have him back, safe in my womb. As I slept (or tried to) I clung, for weeks, to the blanket he was wrapped with once he was born and if I woke up in the night and couldn't find it I searched like a crazy woman until it was tucked under my chin again.... soaked with tears.

I have relived our precious moments with Nicholas a million and one times.. and still it's not enough. It will never be enough.

I am terrified that a year will come and go and he won't be thought of again... That the ever looming first anniversary of our baby boy's birth and death is somehow supposed to mean that everything is supposed to be better. That the 'protocol' is that we move on, forget about the torture we have been through...

I'm not ready for that. I don't think I will ever be ready for that. All I can do as his mommy now is protect Nicholas' memory. To help people remember him and what he has brought to our lives. To love him from afar... when I so desperately want him in my arms.

Love you, baby boy.

17 comments:

Franchesca Cox said...

Remembering your precious Nicholas with you as his Angel Day approaches.

Sending big *HUGS* to you

Anonymous said...

You will never ever forget--a mother's love is eternal, endless. I don't know you, but I check up on you via your blog. Nicholas's story has touched me, as does your strength in keeping his memory alive. Sending you a hug. I wish I could say something more profound other than this, but there are no words. Thinking of you. Remembering Nicholas.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I wish I had words to express just how much I understand. I am abiding with you, thinking of you and Nicholas.

Peace.

Jen said...

hugs* thinking of you.. we will never forget out babies and you are so right about our job being to protect thier memories.. what a great mommy you are!

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

We will always remember him with you, long after a year has passed. Even if you stopped blogging Nicholas would still be in my heart. After seeing his precious pictures, how could we forget. So even if the world seems to have moved on, just know other baby loss moms (if no one else) will always carry Nicholas' memory with us!

xo
Ashley

Karen said...

Oh, feeling so much for you. Remembering Nicholas with you. I get what you mean about the physical ache for our lost babies. It's agonizing at times. Big, big (((hugs))).

margaret said...

I hope the year anniversary doesn't mean that we are expected to move on and forget. If that's what it means then fuck it, I'm not doing it. Yeah right....I get you. I wish I didn't but I'm right here with you on this one Lea and hating every second of it. I AM thinking of you and of Nicholas so much these days, as much to distract me from thinking about Calvin I suppose. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do to survive the day let alone commemorate it. It's a shitty thing to have to remember, like we could ever forget. As you have a couple of days on me, let me know how you do and if it's unbearable like I think it will be, I might just pop a few dozen sleeping pills and wake up when it's over. Hugging you

Cristin said...

Lea,
I can't pretend to know how you are feeling as you approach the year mark as I am a ways behind you in this journey. But I KNOW you will NEVER forget him. You will NEVER not miss him. His memory will always be RIGHT there for you to grab, to go to, to be with. I know for I speak for the many many mama's who have the wings you so lovingly made for our angels, we will never look at them without thinking of Nicholas. He made an impact on this world. He changed people. He touched people. He has touched me.......through you, but still it was Nicholas who touched me. Hang in there my friend. We are with you, as is your baby boy Nicholas.

Holly said...

I understand that fear of him being forgotten. I have felt it myself.

Jennifer Ross said...

I think we as mother's are the ones who make sure that nobody forgets our children. Even though they are not physically with us, we still take care of them from afar. If that makes any sense.

Emalee said...

We will move forward, but we will never forget! I am always thinking of you and your nicholas. I will be thinking of you on saturday, I will light a candle for him, I will pray for you to have peace.
Much love

Jus and Kat said...

"To help people remember him and what he has brought to our lives. To love him from afar... when I so desperately want him in my arms."

Beautiful post Lea, your words are so touching and heartfelt! Hugs to you, Kat

Paige said...

Lea, I will think of Nicholas always and forever. xo

Lesley said...

I can not tell you how completely and fully I understand- right down to the blanket soaked with tears. We will never forget our babies, and shame on anyone who thinks we will, anyone who tries to make us 'move on'.

Bluebird said...

Ah, honey. I get it. I've been wrapped up in myself (as our day is approaching as well) and haven't been following along like I should. I didn't realize Nicholas' day was upon us. I'm so very sorry.

I still sleep with our babies' blanket. Every night. It's not always wrapped around me any more, but it is tucked in between my pillow and B's. Every night.

((Hugs)) sweet girl. Thinking of you all.

Kristy said...

You will NEVER forget Nicholas, none of us, your friends will ever forget Nicholas. He has touched out lives just as you have touched our lives. *hugs*

I don't sleep with my boys blankets, I was too afraid of them loosing the boys smell, the boys feel with my scent. So I have never touched them since they were given back to us, without our babies. I do sleep with a stuffie blanket (a small one) with the animals that represent each of them. Like you, there are nights I wake up in a panic because one of them is gone, fallen off the bed. I can't sleep without them, i'm not sure I ever will be able to.

So many *hugs* hun!

Jess said...

I know if must be so emotional leading up to the one year mark. Yet, take comfort knowing that Nicholas will never, ever be forgotten by the many, many lives he has touched. You have been such a great Mommy to commemorate his life in such special ways. I will always think of Eliana, and of Nicholas whenever I see my angel wings. His life, and all of our babies, carry such a great significance.
Blessings and Hugs!!

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