Thursday, November 5, 2009

Dreaming of you...

Dear Angel,

Mommy is not doing very well. But you know that right? I know that you don't want me to be sad, but it's like this overbearing force is creating massive lumps in my throat, weight on my chest and pain in my heart.

Buddy, I'm trying. I'm trying to be strong and "get through" the next couple of days with some sense of grace, but, truthfully, I'm a mess. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you, how much I miss what you might have been. I was shopping today and stopped in front of the birthday candles. It took everything in me not to reach out and grab the #1 for the top of your cake....

I keep telling myself that we have been through the worst. That saying goodbye to you this time last year was the single most heartbreaking moment of our lives. But I feel that pressure again, only now, I feel it in full force. There is no shock protecting my soul. No numbness to hide behind. I feel it and I feel it hard.

I think of you and find it hard to catch my breath. I dream of you and my eyes become glassy and distant. I ache to have you in our lives - here - in our home.

Dreaming of you eternally, Nicholas and as your Nana says "Kissing you goodnight, always."

Love you,
Mommy

20 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Oh Lea, without the shock it does make these days hard. I know, I felt that way myself. I'm thinking of you and your boy so much right now, and sending so much love.

croleyc69 said...

Praying for you so much. I know it hurts but just know that one day soon and I hope it is that soon, you will see Nicholas. I bet he is looking down from Heaven and can't wait to see you either. Praying for strength though the next few days and the days after.
{{{HUGS}}}
Caroline

Karen said...

(((Hugs)))

xo

Karen

Bluebird said...

I understand. But also, with this day so close upon you, I also can't imagine. I'm just so, so sorry. This is a milestone no one should ever have to reach. I've begun to unwillingly feel the force of it all over again myself - so I can only imagine the pressure upon your heart right now. How I wish Nicholas were here. . .

Thinking of you always, but especially in the coming days. ((Hugs))

Holly said...

Thinking of you Lea and sending you ♥ and (((hugs))).

Fireflyforever said...

Abiding with you Lea in this difficult season and remembering your beautiful boy.

Emily said...

Just wrapping you in a giant hug and crying with you. Loving you....

Catherine W said...

Much love to you Lea. I'm so sorry your gorgeous boy is not here with you, about to celebrate his first birthday. xo

Heather said...

That is so heartbreakingly beautiful. I'm so sorry Nicholas isn't here with you.

Once A Mother said...

Lea,
I am so sorry for the pain that this date brings. I am thinking of you and sending so many prayers for strength your way because I know how impossible Peyton's 1 year was, it was like being back at square one. Know that you are not alone in this journey, and that you are not alone in remembering Nicholas. We are all remembering with you.
Love and Peace

angie said...

Thinking of you during this difficult difficult time.With love.

Franchesca Cox said...

Lea, you have a way of describing the grief journey so thoroughly. I am so sorry for your heartbreak. My heart aches with you.

xoxo

margaret said...

Lea, I am there with you. If I were beside you I would take your hand and tell you I understand completely and how sorry I am that sweet Nicholas is celebrating his first birthday in heaven instead of at home with you. I'm aching too. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and Nicholas and Calvin and what could have been for our boys. I feel a special connection with you and Nicholas, because our boys were born and died so close together. I imagine them playing together in heaven and it makes me smile although nothing takes away the ache in my heart. Be kind to yourself these next few days and please know you are always in my thoughts. Hugging you

Yaya said...

(((Hugs)))

Courtney said...

Oh Lea, I have been thinking of you and sweet Nicholas all week. How can we be approaching a year already? It just breaks my heart and I wish I could bring your sweet Nicholas home to you and your family.

Always here for you
*hugs*

Jen said...

thinking of you today and always.. hugs Lea~

Lindsay said...

It may not seem like it now, but it gets easier. It always hurt, but it's easier to carry.
I'm honored to know Nicholas through your words. I'm so sorry he isn't here with you.

Tracey said...

thinking of you lea...and nicholas...and sending so much love.

Jennifer Ross said...

These letters to our children are always so hard to write... and read. Praying for you...

Heather said...

(((hugs))) Sniff. Sigh.

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