October 31, 2008 - Continuing the Journey

October 31,2008

We spent 3 earth shattering days at home waiting for the MRI to be scheduled so that we could truly begin our journey. It is very difficult to accept that there is so much "red tape" and beauracracy to muddle through when a family's life is being ripped apart.

Anyway, it was scheduled for Friday, October 31 - Halloween Day here in Canada. My husband and I headed downtown once again and prepared to hear more bad news about our baby (we had already been told the worst, this was just 'confirmation'.)

We got to the appropriate area and were met by a technician who was to take us up to the MRI waiting area. I'll never forget this guy. He most obviously did not read my chart. He asked us how we were... I said horrible, thank you. He continued to assure me that the process of the test would be just fine and not to be anxious about it. I think I must have looked at him like he had 5 heads... Are you kidding me???? Do you really think that the process of the test is what I am upset about??? It continued on. He really couldn't understand the tears streaming down my face or my snarky comments. Who can blame him, really? Except for the fact that every tech should damn well read what their patient is in for before he goes through the same old garble of why the MRI will be just fine. Are they not trained in sensitivity? We knew what the outcome was going to be... the test was just a formality. I knew my baby was going to die and he's telling me that being stuck in a tube for over an hour (when you can't move) is going to be just fine. I didn't give two you know what's about the test itself.

The test itself took over an hour... and it was 'fine'. I just remember thinking that I wanted to try to enjoy that time. It was just me and Nicholas in that tube (and my husband touching my head so I wouldn't freak out) we were together and he was safe inside me.... and I so desperately wanted to keep it that way.

We came home to our other two boys dressed up like a dragon and superman for Halloween - bittersweet, I tell you.

The next step was to wait for the results and for the Ethics Committee to meet and decide on the fate of our family and sweet baby Nicholas. The days that followed proved to be some of our darkest days yet.

To be continued...